10 years ago
Sugar Dating: Decision Points


Sugar Daddies and Sugar Babies know the importance of being decisive about the type of relationship they seek. In non-sugar relationships, entered upon without much discussion about expectations during the length of the relationship, it’s common to be indecisive.

It almost seems as if non-sugar relationships lack a certain imperative, a certain mandate, for success.

A sugar relationship is rooted in mutual happiness, and often lasts as long as it remains mutually beneficial. There are many decisions that sugars make to help ensure that their arrangement is an enjoyable one.

As new poll results from SA show, about 80% of sugar babies say they joined the site following financial pressure after the recession, yet don’t ‘need’ a Sugar Daddy. According to the poll, most Sugar Babies on the site are looking for a sugar relationship to not only ease their financial burdens, but also to alleviate general stress and help bring about positive change in their lives.

We constantly receive emails and comments on the blog from Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies looking for help about sugar decisions.

Lots of sugars seek advice from fellow Sugar Babies and Sugar Daddies about a decision they have to make in their sugarlife. Yet no matter what advice is out there, making choices about your sugarlife and who you choose to allow into it requires careful and honest examination of the facts…

Non-negotiable expectations

The building blocks of every arrangement are the expectations each sugar comes into the sugarbowl seeking to fulfill. While every arrangement will adjust to it’s own individual circumstances, knowing what your basic expectations are is essential in assuring your satisfaction in Sugarland. If you know you won’t be satisfied without an allowance, it’s important to make that clear with your potential SD sooner than later. If you know that one of your expectations is having an open relationship, it may be wise to be upfront about that with your sugar early on, especially if their profile doesn’t specify their willingness to be non-exclusive, for example.

Operation Sugar: objectives…

Many sugars have said that this type of dating can be thought of as part dating, and part work. Yet while some may disagree with the sugar having to do with ‘work’, the notion of being punctual, responsible, and trustworthy during an arrangement is widely accepted in the Sugarbowl. Many here have discussed  their personal policies on how many chances to give a potential sugar. One Sugar Daddy said he has a ‘1 strike’ policy for Sugar Babies who flake on 1st dates. Sugar Babies have also mentioned a higher expectation for potential Sugar Daddies when it comes to being punctual and reliable. Since an arrangement only makes sense if it’s mutually beneficial, the objective for Sugar Daddies and Sugar Babies must also include ensuring their own promises are kept.

Sugar Mission Accomplished

Having a successful arrangement is no meager accomplishment. As many here know, there’s a lot of thought and consideration that goes into a sugar relationship. Yet when it all comes down to it, the most common measure of an arrangements success is fun. While there may be many reasons to pursue an arrangement, in the end, when looking back at the time you spent with your sugar, if your memories of them are fond, and your time shared was happy, then it’s fair to say your sugar mission was indeed accomplished.

Do you have any success stories with potential, current, or past Sugar Daddies or Sugar Babies you’d care to share?

Leave a Reply

264 Responses to “Sugar Dating: Decision Points”

  1. FLSD says:

    @Roxy… Just say “Next”… That is to say, you’ll get those. They’re not SD’s. They’re just guys looking for an escort. Just block and move on…

  2. roxy says:

    Hello bloggers. Have a question.
    I’ve been getting a couple messages with men being direct and asking me to meet them at hotels and how much do I charge per hour/night. I thought an arrangement was kinda like faux dating, granted assistance is a part, granted sex is a part but there is some moderate courtship in between right?
    I just don’t appreciate those messages I’m getting. My ad does not imply that that’s what kinda young lady I am at all!!!

  3. JHATX says:

    I have a question… how do you ask a SD for something that you need that is beyond the normal arrangement?

  4. Michael Alleycat says:

    New blog subject

  5. Dandelion Wine says:

    GESL, excellent point about the psychology.
    Even 40 year olds came of age in 80’s-90’s, when AIDS/HIV was a special place in hell reserved exclusively for gays and junkies, and had about as much relevance for an average American as nowadays does something like guinea or filarial worms!

  6. Dandelion Wine says:

    Considered to be *


    Tough Love, well d’oh. It’s called “keep a [insert slur] baby”. 3-4 K per month (tax-free!) is more than enough for someone with low opportunity cost for having a baby.
    To be honest I would question intelligence of any man that has a lot to lose, yet would consider not using protection in a relationship that wasn’t intended as one for raising a child.

  7. Dandelion Wine says:

    just as women give lame excuses as to why we have to by five different types of black shoes.
    Is 5 considered a lot? Lol

    Re: herpes. For some reason I was under the assumption that only one strain can occupy a particular ganglion (trigeminal (spellig?) for oral and sacral for genital,) so if trigeminal ganglion is already occupied by HSV1, even if HSV 2 heads there, it won’t be able to take residence. But maybe I’m wrong. It’s been years since I researched epidemiology lol.

  8. Bela says:

    NYC SB’s right. Disclose!!!

  9. NYC SB says:

    U can’t say that and not tell us what it is!

  10. carebear says:

    Just got the best sugar Christmas gift ever in my email!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

  11. Green Eyed Sugar Lady says:

    Good Morning,

    I want to thank everyone who offered comments and advice on my situation. I heard from him yesterday. He is home, but unable to go anywhere due to still recovering, and family obligations until after the Thanksgiving holiday. I think he was concerned that I may not want to continue seeing him (I do, I think some more contingency/health discussion is in order though.) He “sounded” like himself, which is a great relief.

    Toughlove, your advice on how to handle the “referral” question was great. I do keep things in perspective and would not have brought it up anytime soon (if at all), but your tips on how to go about it were really good. I am curious about something though, and it might be because I wasn’t totally clear: when I said it would cause “scandal” if something happened when he was at my place, I didn’t mean anything political or newsworthy (at least I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t make the news, not sure though) but I more meant the harm it would bring to his family.

    But where would you suggest meeting instead? I can’t see much of a difference on whether it was at my home, or on a train, at a hotel, etc, because were something to happen I couldn’t just leave- that seems unethical to me, as well as kind of sketchy from a legal standpoint. I do see that if we were at my home it puts me at some risk re: the neighbors. But that’s the only additional risk I see. Am I missing something? The reason I ask is because anything could happen to anyone (SD or SB) anywhere, and I do plan to continue this conversation once things have settled. This could potentially happen to any one of us.

    The safer sex questions: I have had two that didn’t pan out who made a lot of unhappy noises about having to wear a condom…. I’m not unhappy these didn’t pan out. FWIW, both were around 60….I don’t know how much age has to do with it, but I know men that age wouldn’t have had the awareness of HIV during their formative years the way future generations have had. Even during my teen years, (the 80’s) it wasn’t really seen yet as a disease that people in heterosexual relationships had a high risk of contracting, unless they (women) slept with a bisexual man, an IV drug user or they themselves used, or had the bad luck of receiving infected blood through a transfusion. I personally didn’t see condoms catch on for safer sex until the late 80’s, and much more awareness/activism throughout the 90’s.

    Now, I think with the younger (teens/20’s) generations of today, they have not known anything else and with all of the drug cocktails out there/people living with the disease longer, unfortunately it might be perceived as less “scary.” Just my opinion.

  12. NYC SB says:

    Muse – very jealous! My date is hot too :p

    DC – you need to come back for a reunion and I will update the blog shortly 🙂

  13. NC Gent says:

    Thanks for the well wishes, Muse and Bela 🙂

  14. Bela says:

    ToughLove – You are absolutely right. It’s not just men.

    NC Gent – Yay!!!! Congrats 🙂

  15. Muse says:

    Alleycat- I have done oral with a condom and yes, it is very weird. The fact it tasted like latex (yes, even the flavored ones) didn’t help matters any.

    NC Gent- Congratulations! I hope you and your new SB will be very happy together.

    Gemi- I have, but honestly, older men are better and not just in the sugarbowl.

    NYC SB- Hot date tonight. You jealous?

  16. NC Gent says:

    Hi all — had a great sugar date on Tuesday/Wednesday, so I now have an SB 🙂

    Regarding the protected sex question… I have never received covered oral sex, and not sure I would even want to. Nonetheless, it has always been puzzling to me that women will give unprotected oral but insist on condoms for sex, even when they are using birth control.

    I had unprotected sex with two of my SBs after we were together a while. We got tested together, and most labs will send your partners results to you directly, if you are there together and request that service. I know it isn’t foolproof, but it at least prevents forged paperwork. I guess at some point it is a matter of trust, and it wasn’t any different when I was dating outside the sugar world — eventually I trusted my “sex partner” when I was in a relationship. There is a risk in all parts of life, and it is a matter of personal choice. I wouldn’t have unprotected sex early in any form of dating. However, if my partner always wanted to have protected sex, I would oblige.

    Maybe I should have put a statement in my profile… I am able to maintain an erection even when wrapped in a condom! what a great selling point. 😉

    Regarding HIV testing, the FDA recently approved an new HIV test method (the Abbott method) that greatly reduces the time between infection with HIV and it showing up on positive on a test (now a matter of a week). Not sure if anyone feels more comfortable about this, but the latency period has been substantially reduced.

  17. ToughLove says:

    Men are not the ONLY ones…..

  18. ToughLove says:

    @Bibaby, Bela, DWine

    Just wanted to point out: men are not the ones who resist condom use. Occasionally, it works the other way. So, the issue is not gender specific. For now, I’ll spare you the details.

  19. Gemi says:

    Morning sugars! I know for one thing is that I’m on this site for FUN…I want to have a GREAT SD/SB experience, but I’m not willing to risk my life for a few moments (or more) of fun. Hopefully I’ll find a SD who will agree. Or its back to the regular dating bowl for me. 😉

    Anyway, I’m taking bibaby (and probably a host of other girls) advice and started emailing SD. Even SD I think I have NO EARTHLY CHANCE with, just because, why not?? Maybe they’ll see my profile that otherwise they wouldn’t have looked at and find interest in me. I’m starting to think that younger SDs are all bogus or have serious egotitius and not worth the bother. Has anyone had a wonderful younger (under 40) SD??? I’m not sure if they even exist, lol!!

    Ok off to work ladies and gents! Have a great day!!!

  20. Bela says:

    I’m already going to warn you that this is going to be a long one since, we’re talking about something that I spent the last five years counseling/studying/obsessing. Feel free to skip this one 

    BiBaby – Giving lame excuses as to why condoms just don’t work is not age specific. While younger men have been told about protection since they hit puberty, there are still plenty who believe that nothing bad could ever happen to something as fabulous as their penis. Men will use those excuses just as women give lame excuses as to why we have to by five different types of black shoes. It is human nature to want to find a way out of a “restriction.”

    Many safer sex counselors (myself being a former one) will warn people that taking away something will only work if you replace it with something. Choosing what that is lies between you and your partner. Like I said before, if you are willing to believe his allergy, sensitivity, mental block, or whatever then you need to be able to accept the consequences. If those consequences are not options for you, then you need to walk away. It’s unfortunately that simple.

    These days it’s bittersweet to know that there are worse things than HIV to have, but you still don’t want to leave yourself so vulnerable to have to find that out. Medications are better, with fewer side effects, but you still have to continuously ask yourself the question of disclosing to future partners. That can psychologically mess you up worse than three SSS nights in one.

    Personally, I’ve had to walk away from some pretty fantastic men simply because they couldn’t find a way to enjoy sex with a condom. My bed may be a little colder because of it, but I also sleep better because of it.

    Oral sex with a condom can be done (have you ever tried to cheek a condom? It’s actually a great parlor trick) but it can be a bit of a buzzkill. Personally, I prefer to save oral sex for someone I’ve been with for a little while and have more trust and regular testing. True, tests aren’t a guarantee, but if there’s more trust between the two of us (and he’s willing to wait) the possibility of his fidelity is greater.

    In terms of risk, there is less with oral but only regarding HIV (since there’s no blood or points of infection. When discussing all the other STD’s the risk is the same but the tests are better to detect it. Dandelion Wine is right in that herpes can’t infect the same site twice, but if IT’S A DIFFERENT STRAIN you can get infected with several HSV2 strains.

    Another thing, carry your own condoms!!! I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “baby, I’d be all about using a condom, but I don’t have one with me.”

    A user-friendly reference for more info is the body dot com.


  21. Dandelion Wine says:

    BiBaby, oral is safer.
    1) HIV is generally not a risk, unless you have sores/cuts in your mouth, and/or become exposed to a large viral load (use your imagination)
    2) Herpes is generally not a risk because most people (85%) already have oral herpes, and herpes cannot re-infect same site (very simplistic, i can go into the details if you want)
    3) HPV is a risk for throat cancer. You can gauge your risk by assessing the general state of your and your partner’s immunity. If your immunity is high, chances are you’ll fight off HPV easily; if your partner’s immunity is high, chances are he won’t be carrying HPV. If you are sickly, your odds of contracting HPV and keeping it long enough to develop cancer go up by a lot. If your partner is sickly, he could be carrying the HPV he contracted 25 years ago on the night of his fraternity initiation, which was the only time he’s ever had sex with anyone other than you and the love of his life angel darling wife, may she rest in peace.

    everything else is curable, but if you are considering bareback, results from a legitimate doctor + knowing what different symptoms look like, might minimize your risk.

    Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or a medical professional; the posting is intended as an opinion, and not a legitimate medical advice; for matters concerning your healthcare please consult your family physician 🙂

  22. MindyNYC says:

    Gosh! I’ve been away too long. Great to see old and new faces. Hope everyone is well! Gotta catch up on all the posts I’ve missed…

    WONDERFUL evening last night with my sugasis’ – always a great time when we get together!! I promise to continue to coerce and entice all naughty indulgences >:) – even the stalker staring ones hee hee

    Sweetest gratitude to SponsorSD for graciously providing us with a carefree evening. True gentleman.

    Gossip Girl – Oh really? Guess away, but you know I’ll never confirm or deny 🙂 …xo xo

  23. BiBaby says:

    Ok, so if no one (or is it just you Alleycat?…*LOL*!) has had oral with a condom, then is it that 1.) no SB’s are giving oral as part of the intimacy or 2.) SB’s are giving oral uncovered but thinking it is somehow safer than regular (vaginal) sex regarding transmission of STD’s?

    I am more puzzled by that last comment than anything!

  24. Michael Alleycat says:

    @BiBaby – “I wish I had a penis for just a day”. I’ll happily share mine with you if you like ….

    And while I practice safe sex, I have never had oral with a condom. That would be just too strange. Has anybody had/given oral with a condom? I’m curious what it was like?

  25. DC says:

    DC Girls,
    I consider myself the original DC SB 😉 I had a profile over a year ago, met my guy, and we’ve been together since.
    If you ladies are interested in meeting up – there are a couple of us girls from last year as well (we still keep in touch) and we’ve been dying to do a DC reunion as well. So we could make it one giant get together.
    Or if you just need advice on DC- where to go/which guys are creepy, sugar dating, sugar relationships etc.!
    Feel free to get ahold of me at: pop. candy. art. (all one word) at google’s email.

    HI NYC! I miss you darling! I keep up on your blog (stalker status much?) 😀 I haven’t been to NYC practically since we got together. Sad, I know.
    Hi Lily! <3
    And a lot of other bloggers have disappeared 🙁

  26. Michael Alleycat says:

    @Bela – “Alleycat – If Carebear didn’t bust your chops, you’d worry that she didn’t like you”

    I’m actually worried that she does like me – enough to scare anybody off!!

  27. Dandelion Wine is soooo right re HIV and other STDs. It is not worth the risk.

    Tests and papers showing the SD/SB is clean are really not worth the paper it is printed on. All you need is one person to lie, be a player, and you are totally screwed.

    Many years ago, a friend of mine caught HIV through unprotected sex. He suffered a long and painful death. It is a brutal disease. Other STDs – while not fatal – have also the possibility of ruining relationships and marriages.

    Again, I will not risk my health and I will not risk the health of my partner.

  28. Deco2339 says:

    Hi everyone:

    I haven’t posted in ages. Glad to see some familiar names.

    I am an older sugar baby. I had some success in meeting sugar daddys last year but nothing long term. My first SD was mainly at the site out of curiousity and while we enjoyed each other’s company, he decided it really wasn’t for him. Second SD got too attached too quickly and really could not afford the arrangement. Third just wanted pay for play.

    I may have finally found an SD who could be everything I am looking for. He is about my age, handsome, successful and genuine. Seems like a good man with a good heart except for the cheating on his wife thing of course..We met for coffee and had good chemistry

    This is a first for him. I told him up front my allowance expectations. He wanted to give me a reduced allowance for the first visit and I reluctantly agreed but told him that after that I would expect the full allowance. After making plans to meet he cancelled last minute due to a family emergency (yeah right LOL). He e-mailed me the other day to say he was still very interested but the only concern he had was how he could handle the arrangement financially since he thought he’d want to see me often. It’s not an issue of money for him, he is legit and can afford it. He just has never done it before and is wondering how he would hide the “fun” money.

    Would love to get feedback from the SDs as to how they creatively handle that side of things.

    Also for the working SBs how often do you see your SDs? is it usually during the day or evenings? and how does that work since many are married.

    thanks in advance everyone


  29. Dandelion Wine says:

    Ugh, sorry it’s a B!t€# trying to edit text on the phone 🙁

  30. Dandelion Wine says:

    Bi-Baby, HIV meds are super-expensive. The 2 that are a part of basic treatment (if there are no complications requiring additional treatment) are around $600 a piece. So think whether your allowance is sufficient to cover the minimum cost of $1200 a month. every month. for the rest of your life! (which will be significantly shortened)
    Moreover, SD populace generally has higher than average exposure to the hooker/escort/stripper circuit, so paperwork is really useless.
    Paperwork is generally designed for monogamous relationships, not arrangements.

  31. Sunny SB says:

    @ Bibaby: I have no idea how many guys use condoms but out of curiosity I did a search and condom sales rose both in 2008 and 2009 so they are being bought anyways..lol 😉 When I changed some of the questions I ask in the screening process I ask about if they have any sexual kinks and how they feel about condoms. I am a safety girl and that for me is a deal breaker.. we have to worry about all types of sexually transmitted diseases and even though a condom is not fool proof as it can tear etc. I still feel safer insisting on it. As SB’s we constantly say not to do anything we do feel comfortable with so why should we sacrifice our safety? And what does that tell us about a Potential sugar if he disregards how we feel about that issue? Don’t mean to play devil’s advocate here but at least for me that is something I cover early on to feel a pot out and if he backs out on his word it is a pass for me now.

  32. Dandelion Wine says:

    Bi-Baby, HIV meds are super-expensive. The 2 that are a part of basic treatment (if there are no complications requiring additional treatment) are around $600 a piece. So think whether your allowance is sufficient to cover the minimum cost of $1200 a month. every month. for the rest of your life! (which will be
    Moreover, the SD circuit probably has a higher than average exposure to the hooker/escort/stripper circuit.

  33. BiBaby says:


    Well too late on that one, this was the whole reason we insisted on paperwork after all.

    how do you girls get a guy to use the darn things?? 2 of my pots both said the second we started talking about intimacy that they “can’t get it up with a condom” and one guy cut me off at the pass by saying he’s allergic. (possible, I use polyurethane being latex allergic myself). I hate to admit but my current hubby used this line on me and I just finally relented to uncovered sex (he’s tested & clean all these years too) while dating him once we were exclusive and I was no longer in my other sugar relationship. I always resented it but figured guys are just like that and my experience years later STILL bears that out.

    Is it an age thing? The gentlemen I usually speak with are normally between 50-65 and I honestly think they *do* have issues with sensitivity. If the guys are all as on the ball as Michael Alleycat then how come there are so many men out there who make this a deal breaker? *sigh*

    I wonder, on the IRL dating side (eHarmony & ashleymadison hookups), how many men actually, really DO use condoms?? Obviously there’s women out there letting them get away with this WITHOUT testing or any precautions or I’d not be running into this all my life. Argh.

    I wish I had a penis for just a day to see whether or not I would act the same way as so many guys do. Would I really be ruled by the darn thing that much? Then I would know how much power women really do have over it and if I could do any better a job controlling my private parts. Ah, but that is a question for another time…

  34. Yaz says:

    Lily said

    “If it’s NSA and non-exclusive and you’re dealing with a man who has an account on SA and a bit of cash/game, then no paperwork is worth diddly to me.”

    I shouted AMEN when I read this. My sister looked at me like O_o

  35. Yaz says:

    Bibaby~ Always have him wrap it up. ALWAYS. A piece of paper and promise of a generous allowance should not make you risk your health. People lie and can fake medical records.

    Anyone read about Roberto Alomar’s story?

  36. Mariana says:

    Hello there,
    I would like to share my experience with you.. and share some advises that might be useful, so that you girls do not step into my footprints :).. (who would have wanted that?:)
    I have met this men, who has contacted me..
    First mistake: I haven’t asked for more pictures.. when he came to a meeting he was VERY FAT!!! ( not to mention 40 min of being late, I know, I know… I should have left).
    Second mistake, I have shared with him my mobile number, on which lately he sent some QUITE unpleasant messages (do not want to go into details);
    Third mistake, after he proposed me PROSTITUTION, I called him fat pig (ouups,girls, do not do that, while after all he announced that he has been harassed!(I really like this one))!!!
    Well, whatever your experiences are.. be very very careful.
    That was my first one, and I would not like it to be the last.

  37. Bela says:

    Sunny – All quiet on this western front (aside from the random emails from men who don’t follow through), but my patience, not to mention my tolerance for torture, is pretty hardcore when it comes to a goal. Besides I understand that given circumstances that I can’t immediately change my search will take longer than others.

    Midwest – Excellent question! I honestly don’t know the answer to that one. The same could be asked about yourself. What would the SD do if something were to happen to you? I always have a friend who acts as my non-relative ICE in case something were to happen and I needed help.

    BiBaby – If you want to get technical, if you’re having any kind of sex, there’s no such thing as “risk-free.” Having said that, I usually advise women (and men) who really want to experience uninterrupted sex to first admit that no matter what, you’re ready to accept the consequences – physical or emotional. If you are able to handle that, the rest is only a matter of available options. You mentioned the most important facts: 1) People lie; and 2) People don’t always know what’s going on in their bodies.

    Alleycat – If Carebear didn’t bust your chops, you’d worry that she didn’t like you 

  38. @michael alleycat- i wish there were more sd’s running beside me at the gym….ha 😉

  39. Michael Alleycat says:

    @Carebear – gimme a break! Ok so I did post while driving once, but it was at a stopligt never in the shower, but yes I have while hiking in the mountains. I gotta catch up sometime!

    Anyway stop busting my chops and go back to your hangover.

  40. carebear says:

    Michael-do you also post on the blog from the shower? while driving? hiking through the mountains? on a sugar date……during sex maybe? in church on sunday mornings?

    Call me the chops-buster =)

  41. Michael Alleycat says:

    * who knows what

    Sorry, am on treadmll at gym.

  42. Michael Alleycat says:

    Absutely agree with Lily. It’s just a bit of paper which can be faked as well. Even if the test was last week, who what your partner or their partner or whoever has been up to.

    If it’s not on, it’s not on. I refuse to risk my health.

  43. Lily says:

    About HIV, it takes 3-6 months for the test to show up as positive after becoming infected/contagious. So the same day test is telling you how healthy he was 90-180 days ago, but anything he’s been up to in the last few months is a big fat question mark. If it’s NSA and non-exclusive and you’re dealing with a man who has an account on SA and a bit of cash/game, then no paperwork is worth diddly to me.

  44. Midwest SB says:

    BiBaby – I’m sure you will find something soon…It’s wonderful your SD is helping you network! I’m lucky in that there is a tremendous amount of support helping me network, polish my resume’ and to pick me up when FUNemployment get old. Fortunately, the finances will hold out for a while, so I’m not in panic mode. I need to attend some functions and make sure people don’t forget my talented face 🙂 Thanks for the kind words!

    GESL – I’m sure you know what to do deep down. Trust your instincts.

  45. carebear says:

    @bibaby and michael. excellent ideas. and the damage i did on my phone before i got home was much worse.

    the sugar rush i had going that was previously filled by 3 cups of coffee and mindy spoon feeding me whipped cream and souffle crashed on my train ride on the way home. i was lucky that i woke up in time to peel my face off of the vinyl seat and stumble to my car to find my angrily awaiting guy-friend.

    nycsb-i just woke up. haha.

    whoever said funemployement wasn’t fun needs to come to the next meet 😉 ill show ya fun!

    and i will leave you all with a message thanks to textsfromlastnight.com

    (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there’s enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

  46. BiBaby says:

    Ok…I have a question/concept to liven things up around here on my mind…

    How have you all handled the “paperwork” question? I.E. if you are going to be intimate, without cover so to speak, do most of you (SD’s & SB’s) get tested once its brought up as part of the arrangement? Do you test yourselves yearly? Quarterly? More often?

    I ask because I have had experience in this area..shall we say that as a woman who has always either had monogamous sex with a husband or fully protected sex if elsewhere, that the 2 days it took waiting on the results were nail biters! Though I had no risky behavior, I found myself very worried “what if?” from the few relationships I HAVE HAD that were monogamous (hubby’s 1 & 2 and SD #1 years ago).

    See if your partner/SD is cheating on your OR his wife/partner is, OR they are infected and just don’t know it (25% of people carry Herpes B, which is incurable), then you still fall into that risky category. I got super lucky and didn’t test positive for so much as a cold sore, and my SD is the same. BUT I was shocked at the price to get tested (over $400) and also by the fact if you go via Planned Parenthood, they release your results if positive for anything to not only the CDC but they are now available to your family doctor. And if you are married, in many states its legal for the doctor to notify your husband/wife of the results!

    Until recently I had just handled this by INSISTING on condoms but many things are even orally transmissable (and who here has ever gotten a guy to take a BJ using a condom? If so, you have persuation skills that would be better used selling Ferraris….) so you run a risk anyway.

    What have the SB’s & SD’s done in this areas in their past? Have some of you not been tested but don’t worry about the results? Having this done has opened my eyes not only to the cost (and knowing why so many people DONT get tested…it’s a huge hassle and expensive if insurance doesn’t cover it) but to the risky behavior many men are willing to participate in that perhaps they don’t know could endanger not just them and their SB, but their wives as well. And who is to say if wifey at home isn’t hanging with the pool boy? So you never know.

    My experience has been it is best to get tested via the online companies, samedaystdtesting.com is a good one and totally discrete. You don’t have to even give your real name or a social security # and it bills discretely. Not a commercial but just a suggestion.

    Any thoughts or stories on this? How many SD’s are willing to put up current paperwork in order to ride bareback? And if you’re not willing to put it up, are you actually finding SB’s willing to do the do without it??

  47. Midwest SB says:

    NYC – Took one for you mistress!

    Great advice following GESL’s questions and I thank all for their input. It’s a great idea to a) have some non-negotiables that can compromise the arrangement and b) have an emergency plan. I like BiBaby’s “safe” phrase.

    Let’s pose a specific scenario and see how you would handle it: My former SD and I would meet in Vegas often. Say he had a medical emergency, but didn’t want people to know we were together. Would I call 911 and leave? Would I get someone else to call 911? Would I stay and claim to be a bystander or co-worker?

  48. Sunny SB says:

    @ Bela: Thank you for the good luck wishes.. that pot is not the lurker and am still looking forward to next meet. The more I learn about him the more comfortable I feel.. especially when his his walk meets his talk. 😉 How’s things going for you?

  49. Bela says:

    Awesome advice! I like lurking 🙂

  50. ToughLove says:


    That’s funny, I thought you already were a part of it.
    Glad you liked the info, especially since the “business” side of this often involves knowing what, when, and how to say something to the other party. It’s one of the reasons a beautiful SB with a great attitude can still find herself frustrated and empty-handed. (For the record, you’re still beautiful, just no longer empty handed…)

  51. BiBaby says:

    Totally agree, I forgot to mention asking to access his network of friends looking for SB’s would, in my opinion, be tacky given the timing.

    I really do like the way you work it in later down the road in your explanation. That way it comes off as second hand, and as you taught me, By the Way. Which I will definitely use if needed, it’s a good approach and classy. I also agree GeSL should keep in touch as possible in a light manner. I ended my relationship with my quasi-gift daddy but we still chat and he emails me at least once a week to see how I am, talk NFL and compare notes. I suspect if I ever needed anything in his area or had a true emergency he would come through however he could afford to do so. That is the benefit of ending arrangements or near-misses on a positive note…the network/friendship stays open and that’s the bigger picture.

    Would love to be part of the parntership of Sugar Consulting, LLC! *LOL*

  52. BiBaby says:

    @Midwest SB,
    FUNemployment? Not! I hate being unemployed, this is why I have resorted to school and trying to better my education so I can get back into my field and make a lot more money.

    The first month was fun, it’s been 6 months now and it’s sheer hell. I had to apply for Tier 2 yesterday and I’m hoping for the 13 week extention which they’re pretty sure I qualify for being in school (nights) and available to work. I made so darn much money, over 60k, at my lay-off job that they can’t even find anything making much over 1/2 that right now. I’m better off finishing my school and getting a job on the Ladders.com. Lucky me my SD is in a similar field of work so we’ve been discussing ideas for me to find lucrative employment once I finish school. He’s quite smart!

    I think you handled the 3some reply quite well. Really I think it was crass of the gentleman (if you can call him that) to suggest after blowing you off for your kids but you handled it well. I still think all you will wind up getting back in reply at best is a well-paid pay for play offer but his response will be far more telling of anything than any other info you can gain, so it was worth it to send it and see what, if anything, he replies with. I would move on, you deserve better. DC is actually a good market…we are far luckiler than the NC girls. I am originally from NC and can tell you it’s slim pickings there and in SC both, the economy is devastated down there. This is why Im now in DC after all.

    @NC gent,
    Wow, now I’m worried about tax issues on the check. I know they can'[ track it down to my acct since I direct cashed it but I’m not sure what to do about the 1099 issue on HIS side. I think I may cut/paste your post and send it to him with the question/caveat “hey, is this going to be ok for YOU” and see if he’d rather do cash. I appreciate him helping out, I truly do but gads if I had to pay 40% tax, I’d die. The money is already on my truck in the form of tires, new bumper and tuition payments. I can’t afford taxes.

    I’m worried about the travel issue for you, he won’t offer any $$ up front? Does this mean “I’m not giving you an advance on allowance?” (which is ok) or “I’m not covering the trip” (totally not ok). My gas money rule goes out the door when it comes to flying somewhere, all travel long distance is on the pot SD. I would ask myself why the pot SD is flying in a SB? Those arrangements can work but having had one near miss, I would really work hard to get a local guy. What if you end up with an SD who only wants to pay per meet? (not pay for play, those fizzle, but you end up long term and he pays when he sees you?…). Then you have a much harder time trying to arrange meets than you do if you’re like me and at most an hour or so away. If he’s married, multiply that by 100 how hard it’s going to be to coordinate. My joke daddy in FL had to reschedule 3x due to wifey’s plans always changing and it still fell through (thankfully). Not trying to get you down…I love to travel more than anything…but travel arrangements are very difficult;

    You can see IP addresses! Do you see dead people as well? (obscure movie reference, who can guess what movie??) 😉

    We need to put a breathalizer on your computer so if you blow over the limit, you are NOT allowed to post! *LOL* Worse than drunk texting….
    Isn’t there a word for that?

  53. Sunny SB says:

    @NY Gent and Guru and the lurker in this blog who sent me an email:
    NY Gent said: “SD Guru: you apparently did not notice what SunnySD did, which is that they are totally different people physically, using the same or nearly identical text in their profile. ”

    Someone read this and sent me an email and thinks NY Gent meant that those profiles are me pretending to be someone else..LMAO.. on top of it this is a pot that is going Poof .. my response is simple.. NY Gent simply stated I noticed the pictures were not of the same person you can change hair color and style but not bone structure..lol.. I am not the person in those profiles..lmao.. but actually glad that happened as our topic is decision points and when someone does not even read a post clearly enough to gain an understanding and jump to conclusion they just did me a favor in saying Next! It is in these early screening processes that we need to pay attention to clues.. and my hat goes off to you NY Gent for being observant.. Guru you are always a dear wise omnipotent one who obvious needs a little stroking from time to time 🙂 and that is in reference to the massaging comment from you.lmao… and that is enough drama for me for the day.. really I think we need a drama topic for the blog.. think that would generate much response as we all have had our share in the sugar world. 😉 Hugs to you both.

  54. ToughLove says:

    Thought I’d comment since the Sugar Group LLC is billing. Sorry about your SD’s stroke.

    1. High risk situations are handled by starting with the worst case and working backwards. If an emergency at your home would cause a scandal, then he should NEVER be in your home. Nev. Er. What if a family member (wife?) gets suspicious about his whereabouts and chooses to follow him one day? Nev. Er. If his position is scandal worthy, then you must assume some informal surveillance. The slightest “huh?” from a wife, neighbor, family friend, etc. can get cranked up to full surveillance with a phone call. Unless you’ve been trained to handle that, best avoid. Nev. Er.

    2. Assume the missed allowance is gone. No tears, big girl panty time. Please stay focused on the big picture. Your most important “assets” in this situation is the relationship with the SD and the access he (eventually) can provide to his network. The missed allowance is minor. If you push for the allowance during his time of “crisis” you risk blowing those assets. Simply ask him (when the timing is appropriate) if he wishes to continue the arrangement. NEXT question, ask if he wishes to remain exclusive. This gives him an opportunity to take a step back if he can’t continue in the same manner as before and if frees you to find a second SD.

    3. Do not, under penalty of severe “stink eye”, ask this man for access to his network now. Again, big picture. Wrong timing, burn the relationship/asset. If he chooses not to continue for health reason, simply wish him well. Then, keep in touch by phone with calls one week, two weeks, one month, and two months out. Keep it light, cheerful, and focused on him. Tell him you saw something that reminded you of him and the time you both went to that great restaurant, blah, blah, blah. By the two month mark, if he hasn’t already asked how you’re doing, THEN you can mention the search has been slow and, “by the way”, don’t some of his friends have arrangements….would he be willing to introduce you, blah, blah, blah. If you’ve done everything right up to this point, you should be able to get access to the network while maintaining your relationship with him. Big picture.

  55. BiBaby says:

    Wow, lots to catch up on! My next sugar is looking to be Thurs or Fri (waiting on details), so it’s been a busy month! This is good as I did $3,200 worth of damage to my truck after that foot surgery, so between insurance and allowance I’m at least back up to square. I think an iPad for school just might be in my future…yippee!

    Don’t know if any other students on the blog, mid December is semester exams and I’m dreading it…..

    Ok….to wit:

    Girl, I am worried about you, in the sense that I feel awful for what you’re trying to figure out with this SD. Honestly I’d never wondered what to do if something happened but it’s a GREAT question. my IRL SD of 2 1/2 years many years ago and I had a “contingency” plan which consisted of a phrase he or I agreed to send that basically meant we couldn’t talk, sh– going on at home, in trouble, will reach you as soon as possible. I called one time his wife had to be hospitalized for depression and he answered “I’m sorry but we’re not interested at this time. We’ll be in touch if that changes” (as if I were a telemarketer not a mistress calling!) I knew that meant deep kimchee and I held tight knowing he knew to reach me when he could. It was 2 weeks and it was a very long 2 weeks.

    Regarding allowance….in that situation, he paid some of my bills directly as they came due, and that didn’t stop (don’t know how he found time, but he did…). However with these new SD’s who are more likely to do “per meet” or monthly allowances, I really suspect you would not collect. I hate to sound like an escort (I’m definitely not a pro, though I appreciate the compliment when given! *LOL*) BUT I would not likely expect my SD or any other to give allowance if they haven’t seen me in awhile, regardless of cause. I imagine that is a very individual person-to-person variable with the SD but myself, if I’m not meeting and sugaring them up, I’m not expecting back pay.

    Mind you I don’t like that system, it’s a nightmare trying to budget tuition and bills when you are working with someone who doesn’t do a set monthly allowance and you never know from day to day when you can get time to meet again (married man syndrome here…). However for me I’m actually coming out ahead right now as we both like to meet whenever we can, which is winding up to be weekly right now. 🙂 on the other hand, as difficult as it is, if I can’t see him for several weeks, I really wouldn’t know how to ask for allowance. If bills are high I probably would just ask directly for what I need covered (books, phone bill type stuff) and accept with grace whatever the reply is.

    Sorry that was so long, will post my other replies on next post…

  56. NYGent says:

    Green Eyes: I agree with those who say his story sounds very, very fishy. Tread carefully.

  57. NYGent says:

    SDGuru: she did cancel a planned meet but given my experience I can hardly designate that as something “particularly bad happened” (!)

  58. NC Heels says:

    @Green Eyes Sugar Lady
    I have to speak up because it sounds fishy to me too.

    1) A few years ago, my poof SD got a freebie off of me (not fully but some) and then told me his aunt had a stroke and he was rethinking his life choices…liar liar

    2)Another man I had an affair with (not sugar, just circumstance) was admitted to the hospital for chest pains. I didn’t hear from him for a good week and a half and I had no idea what was going on. I thought maybe his wife had found out. When he got home, he emailed me but not from the hospital.

    3)My dad was having some tests done and while I wasn’t particularly worried, I used a “family illness” as an excuse to get away from a scary potential…turned out he was on the sex offender registry.

    Take that as you will but I don’t like his story. I hope he is ok if it is true…

  59. Green Eyed Sugar Lady says:

    Micheal, I think we were typing at the same time 🙂

    In response to your last post, he has always been straightforward and upfront with me as far as I know, it is one of the things I have greatly appreciated about him. I’d be really shocked if this were an elaborate scheme to get out of an arrangement, and I was the one who brought up the “contingency plan”, so I don’t know. I am going to give the benefit of the doubt until I have reason to believe otherwise and hope I’m not wrong about that.

    Your advice is good though it may be hard to do those things since I he didn’t mention which hospital he is in, and he owns his own company which is overseas. The number I have for him is his personal cell. This is all food for thought though and appreciated. I’ve been alone with this situation and it’s good to get some perspective.

  60. Green Eyed Sugar Lady says:


    Thank you especially for sharing your experience about recovery, I don’t have any personal experience with strokes, and know very little about it. He had some other health issues already, which is how the discussion came about in the first place.

    Right now, of course I’m not able to see him as it sounds like he has been in and out of the hospital, and he indicated that everyone is “hovering” around him and so he has no space. I would be willing to see him, keep him company, and help, but given the situation right now that isn’t possible.

    Thanks also for your input on the allowance piece… if we aren’t able to continue to see each other, I wouldn’t expect to be provided for, but I am wondering about what was already missed, and of course I have been in limbo for a little while (which is no one’s fault.) While I can’t be at his side during this time I do feel it’s the right thing to do.

    I hope I didn’t give the wrong impression about an introduction…. it is definitely a sensitive subject, and I would only consider bringing it up if he decides we can’t continue and tells me so. Even then, I may not. Right now I’m just waiting to see what happens and hoping for the best.

  61. GESL – following Midwest’s comments and re-reading your post, something does smell a bit fishy. He had the conversation with you, promised a trip to Vegas and half his winnings, and then a few days later happened to have a stroke and disappears? Hmmm.

    Is he normally a BS artist? Have you seen him since he had the stroke? Called the hospital where he was admitted? Do you know where he works – call the main number and ask to speak with him, but block your callerID first.

    Do your background checking to make sure what he is saying is true. His story smells a bit. You need to validate his story in a bunch of ways. He may be a coward, and is using an elaborate setup as an excuse to leave the arrangement, rather than just talking to you about it. Just sayin’.

  62. Green Eyed Sugar Lady says:


    Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. I had thought about the memory piece of things, and it has also occurred to me whether or not it would even be safe to go forward, but I hadn’t thought about the possible change in personality. Which makes sense, since so many parts of the brain is affected. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

    I should add that this was considered a “minor stroke”, but based on my research it isn’t as much of a minor thing as the name would imply.

    I think it’s always good to consider the more cynical side of things, and I have, although I would be very surprised (and extremely disappointed) if this were a set up to leave the arrangement.

    I think the emergency discussion is something to think about for sure, after all things can happen, be it a health emergency or even an accident.

    • SD Guru says:

      Yes our SSS was indeed a rolicking success.

      Let’s see some pictures as proof!! 😛

      you apparently did not notice what SunnySD did, which is that they are totally different people physically, using the same or nearly identical text in their profile.

      I thought you meant you had met her in person and something bad happened. But if it’s just a run of the mill case of multi profile fake SB, then it’s not that uncommon. While no one wants to waste their time, stuff like this does happen on both sides. As for the similar wording profile text, it sounds generic enough and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s lifted from somewhere else. Several years ago I discovered another SD’s profile basically copied mine word for word. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but that’s carrying it a bit too far!

      I’ve concluded that the conventional wisdom that SBs under 30s are so much worse than those over 30 in regard to flakiness doesn’t really hold up, the percentages aren’t all that different in my experience. It’s more an individual thing.

      In that case should we just call you “flake magnet” from now on? 😆

      @Dandelion Wine
      Wow, the job of a blog admin is a lot more challenging and demanding than anyone could ever imagine!

      Hey, it’s a tough job but somebody has to do it!! 😀

      Gosh,I love you guys.Like my own team of consultants lol “The Sugar Group LLC”

      You’re welcome. You’ll be getting a bill from “The Sugar Group LLC”! 🙂


      How old is he and how long have you been seeing him? If we take the situation at its face value, then he has more important things to worry about for a while (ie his health, family, business, etc). Therefore I think it’s very unlikely that you’ll be able to continue the arrangement. It’s time to move on and you can forget about whatever he promised you and the missed allowance. OTOH, if it was some kind of ruse, then you don’t want anything to do with him and his friends anyway.

  63. GESL – while I am not a doc, my Dad had a few strokes, and recovery is patchy. Most recovery tends to happen in the first 2-3 weeks, then slows down after that.

    Re your questions – you really have to negotiate this with your SD. His health was obviously on his mind, as he had the discussion with you. Whether he continues to provide allowance during his illness depends on a lot of things – how long, were you able to see and support him during that time etc etc. If he is of for a couple of weeks, I would assume he would continue to provide. More than a month, if it was me, I would hold off providing during that time.

    If he is incapacitated, maybe you could ask him for introductions, but jeez, sensitive subject. I would wait a while before I had that conversation with him!!

  64. @Carebear – you know those things they put on cars that won’t let you drive until you pass the test? Maybe you should get one of those for your laptop.

    One of those unforgettable nights you can’t remember anything about?

  65. Midwest SB says:

    GESL – There are a lot of red flags here, but the one I will stick with is the residual affects of a stroke. Strokes affect the brain and for many, they are not the same person after the stroke…sometimes permanently, others temporarily. Be careful during this time as anything could happen. He has obviously not forgotten about you, but I wouldn’t expect much from him for some time. His memory, his actions, his capacities may seem randomly odd and it could be related to the stroke. I have no idea on how, or if, you should move forward other than to say go with your instincts and plan for the worst.

    A lesser red flag and the sometimes cynical point of view is could he be setting you up for a way out of the arrangement?

    Interesting question you pose about covering bases in the event of an emergency. Can’t wait to hear the answers!

  66. Green Eyed Sugar Lady says:

    I have a question/situation I’ve not seen come up since I’ve been reading this blog.

    Last time I saw my SD, in the course of conversation he said, “So when you come to my funeral…” That’s when I broke in and said- how will I know if something’s happened to you? So we came up with a contingency plan in which he was going to take me to Vegas, share half of his winnings with me, and introduce me to a trusted friend of his. That way, if something did ever happen I would receive an email from this friend. This wasn’t intended to be morbid, he has has some health issues in the past so something happening was a possibility.

    We didn’t get a chance to do that. After not hearing from him for several days (unlike him, especially since we had to firm up details for our next meet) I got a quick text from him that he has had a stroke and had been in the hospital, no computer access, will email when he gets home and settled. Several days later, another text, he has continued to have “little strokes” and is still getting stabilized. I’m very concerned about him. Naturally, he is surrounded by family and has a lot of other things to be concerned about than simply staying in touch with me- so I very much appreciate that he has when he can.

    His health being the most important thing by far, I am still concerned that I was due to receive allowance nearly three weeks ago (it happens twice a month), and naturally I am NOT going to bug him about that at this time….but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t affected some things on my end, mostly on knowing how to plan. I don’t have any problem paying my bills, but my allowance was for pretty much anything above and beyond that.

    I have some questions:

    1. Another thing we had discussed if if something happened to him while we were together (at my home) I would need to get him out of here to avoid scandal. I made some joke about throwing him out the window….but seriously, has anyone else had such a discussion? If so, what did you come up with? Any contingency plans?

    2. If he fully recovers, which is my hope, what is a reasonable expectation re: the missed allowance? We agreed to be exclusive, i.e. no other SD/SB, and as such I’ve been “off the market” for quite a while. I am keeping it that way until things are more fully resolved one way or another. But naturally, we have not been getting together. I’m especially interested in the SD viewpoint here.

    3. There is a chance that he may recover, yet not be able to continue due to health reasons, which I will understand completely should he need to make that decision. If this were the case, I know he has a network of associates who keep mistresses. Would it be wildly inappropriate of me to ask if he would be willing to introduce me to one of these associates? I am discreet, I would never discuss any details of his and my relationship with someone new. I am very trustworthy. The idea of having to begin the online search all over again- should it come to that- fills me with dread. But is
    it tacky for me to even suggest this?

    I hope none of this come off as cold or calculating, I don’t feel that way about this at all. My fervent wish is that he will make a full recovery back to health and we can continue our relationship. I genuinely care about him and I’m also more than happy to make any adjustments that may be needed (diet, physical, etc) so as to help him maintain good health. But as this happened a few weeks ago, my mind has been filled with questions and any input, perspective, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

  67. carebear says:

    who let me have access to my laptop when i got home last night damnit??

  68. Bela says:

    Morning! Glad to hear SSS went so well. Just remember: No disclosing without acceptable bribes 🙂

  69. MissmilanDC says:


    I have so much appreciation for you all,definitely gave me a perspective I noticed but wanted to overlook, I do like this guy but I refuse to be naive and I absolutely won’t settle. I hope for the best,but I’m prepared for the worst…..after careful critique I decided to hold off on that offer and see If he’s willing to get to know me further without all of the hangups.I wrote him an email to the effect of…

    “I spoke with my friend about her possible role in making your fantasy become a reality,unfortunately she opposed the idea because she wasn’t comfortable which is very understandable.I don’t really know anyone else that I’d be comfortable approaching this with,but regardless I think that it’d be great to get to know you better :).I have to admit,when you told me about your fantasy I was a bit skeptical since it was our first contact after you decided to patch things up with your children, despite how well I think our date went,I assumed it wasn’t good enough to pursue further…and as a result I thought you probably wanted to explore your options…after reading your previous email,I have gained a little confidence in this.I love your honesty and I definitely appreciate it.I found comfort when you said ” I am reluctant, because i want you as just mine: I don’t want to share”…made me smile.I’m definitely interested in pursuing something long term but I want chemistry and friendship,not just sex.I don’t want you to think that it’s because of your fantasy,I spoke with my friend earlier and went she declined I was somewhat relieved,couldn’t figure out why then it hit me…It’s just the timing….I know when I’m wanted,but our current situation is still in it’s early stages,.We still have much to discuss and learn about eachother,and it’s so easy for situations to become awkward.Feel free to let me know how you feel.I won’t judge.Promise.”

    Took forever to try to put my thoughts on paper,I loved how you all clarified t…helped get out was I was feeling.If I don’t get the response I desire from this then so be it.In the end my comfortability is most important to me,I had to get that point across to him without sounding jaded or pushy,because I am interested but of course my interest in contingent him being my preferable match.In the meantime I’ve met a great Pot SD,nicest guy you would ever meet….we’ve been talking daily for about a week now,so far no pressure,easy to talk to,great sense of humor,ideal location and he’s more than comfortable providing an allowance I’d be comfortable with…put it this way,I’d probably date him if he wasn’t an SD<—-and that's pretty much my standard for deciding on potentials.Hopefully,Mr.Ménage à trois is what he seems to be and this is just a minor flaw.If not,I know what to do…
    Gosh,I love you guys.Like my own team of consultants lol "The Sugar Group LLC":)

  70. Dandelion Wine says:

    SD Guru, analyzing trends in IP fluctuations? Wow, the job of a blog admin is a lot more challenging and demanding than anyone could ever imagine! XD
    using the same or nearly identical text in their profile.
    Why would that mean that either of them is fake? I guess I assumed that most people “borrow” bits and pieces that fit them from other people’s profiles*. I mean it’s SA.com, not PulitzerPrizeNominees.com

    * keep in mind, when you borrow from one – it’s plagiarism, when you borrow from many – it’s research!

  71. NYGent says:

    SD Guru: you apparently did not notice what SunnySD did, which is that they are totally different people physically, using the same or nearly identical text in their profile. I had previously matched her SA profile to one on another site, Sd.com — again, same person but totally different pictures. Other bizarro stuff: she had emailed me on SA to set up a date, and when I responded I had been blocked. And while (both) profiles are well written, even eloquent, her email to me was in broken English, clearly written by somebody else. I did eventually email her to say what was up with the different profiles and she never responded. All of that is enough for me to conclude that both profiles are fake (certainly one is, and I believe both are).

    On another note a pot with whom I had a lunch date tomorrow emailed to say she had come down with a bit of a cold and had to cancel. A couple things she had said previously didn’t quite ring true but I thought there was enough potential to go ahead with a lunch date which is not a huge investment. I don’t think I will reschedule, too many red flags. She lists herself as 35. In going back over the flakes/fakes I’ve encountered I’ve concluded that the conventional wisdom that SBs under 30s are so much worse than those over 30 in regard to flakiness doesn’t really hold up, the percentages aren’t all that different in my experience. It’s more an individual thing.

  72. Lily says:

    Yes our SSS was indeed a rolicking success. I waited the first 30 minutes as the gals all ran late so when I posted I was waiting at the bar alone. 🙂

    Thanks, meet sponsor!!!

  73. Gossip Girl says:

    Mindynyc – I know who your sd is! Lol

  74. NYC SB says:

    Guru – the MUCH better looking and SUPER generous twin 🙂

    Sss was a success – thanks sponsor! Thanks sugar sisters!

  75. Bela says:

    Wishing you luck Sunny!!

    • SD Guru says:

      @Midwest SB
      You read my mind, but I didn’t want to massage the ego too much

      It’s not my ego that needs to be massaged! 😛

      Ugh… the boredom of unemployment is starting to sink in!

      That’s why they call it “FUNemployment“. Enjoy it while it lasts!! 😆

      @Dandelion Wine
      well, the IP can change if signing through proxy, lab/library computers, etc etc

      That’s been taken into consideration, and it’s not difficult to spot a trend over time.

      @Sunny SB
      I thought as he was the Guru.. he might have the ability to know all and see all!

      Actually, I’m just a figment of your imagination! 8)

      Warning to SDs: profile #’s 480307 and 552361 in NYC area are the same person (and both are fakes) (learned the hard way)

      How about some details, what makes her fake and what did you do to learn the hard way? Her profiles seemed harmless.

      @NYC SB
      I do come with good references! :mrgreen:

  76. Sunny SB says:

    @NYC SB: LMAO.. I know I can be a bit naive at times but really..his cousin for real. I thought as he was the Guru.. he might have the ability to know all and see all!

    @NY Gent: So Sorry you learned the hard way.. checked out the profiles and she does not even look the same.. I can look different by changing hair styles to some degree but my bone structure never changes.. guess we all deal with fakes from time to time and personally I find them annoying. 😉

    @ Midwest and Dandelion Wine: OMG maybe we need to get out binoculars to see Guru’s head explode over being the almighty great one who can see into the future or well at least into log in key strokes ..lmao.

    On a lighter note I spoke on the phone with a pot this morning and was actually surprised on many levels.. so hope to meet later this week if the sugar gods align. 😉

  77. Midwest SB says:

    DW – You read my mind, but I didn’t want to massage the ego too much 🙂

  78. Dandelion Wine says:

    Can’t we just say Guru’s a genius and leave it at that?!
    Omniscient, even !

  79. Midwest SB says:

    Can’t we just say Guru’s a genius and leave it at that?! 🙂

    Lily – stop posting and start celebrating! I’m sure your sugar sisters didn’t come to see you post on the blog silly!

    Ugh… the boredom of unemployment is starting to sink in! I’ve rearranged furniture, cleaned, and caught up on the things I used to wish I had time to catch up on. Search and networking are going quite well though! Time to start singing…All I want for Christmas is a new passion, doing something I love, saving the world is enough…

  80. Dandelion Wine says:

    SD, well, the IP can change if signing through proxy, lab/library computers, etc etc, *although* none of the fragments of the fractured online psyche seems to be particularly intelligent (maybe the initial IQ was evenly split among the multiple personalities? Lol)

  81. Lily says:

    I am, too!!!

  82. Bela says:

    Who has time (and patience) to have multiple profiles? Am I that lazy?

  83. Dandelion Wine says:

    As a blog set of perfectly reasonable and natural coincidences loosely tied together in folklore and enhanced with selective smoke and mirror ostentations (because i don’t believe in “god” XD), SD Guru most likely has the power to see the email address associated with a particular display name. I didn’t want to say anything, but I figured if the multiple personality posters are too dumb to have figured it out on their own, they most likely won’t catch on even after reading this.

  84. NYGent says:

    Warning to SDs: profile #’s 480307 and 552361 in NYC area are the same person (and both are fakes) (learned the hard way)

  85. NYC SB says:

    Sunny – didn’t you know? Guru is Brendon Wade’s cousin … That’s my story and I’m sticking to it :p

    • SD Guru says:

      @NYC SB
      didn’t you know? Guru is Brendon Wade’s cousin … That’s my story and I’m sticking to it :p

      Actually, I’m his better looking twin. Sorry Brandon!! :mrgreen:

      @Dandelion Wine
      SD Guru most likely has the power to see the email address associated with a particular display name.

      Let’s just say the blog admins can see more than the email addy. 💡

  86. Sunny SB says:

    @SD Guru: Spill..yes we want your secrets.;)

  87. Sunny SB says:

    @ Tanya: If you have only received a message from him and not even had a couple meets in person.. beware!!! First you need to meet to establish if there is any chemistry. Second it is my humble opinion that when I get a message promising me the moon that they will Poof or be fake. How do they really know that they want to be vested in helping me when they have not even gotten to know me yet? It has been my experience that when a SD has chemistry with me, and makes that connection with me that he wants to help make things easier for me due to the connection and it is not simply for how sugary I can make it for him but that is equally important. Anyone can correct me if they think I am wrong.. but a real SD shows an interest in his SB otherwise he can find a escort practically anywhere if he just wants shallow sex. 😉

  88. Midwest SB says:

    Tanya and NC Heels – Long distance arrangements can be fun and open up opportunities to many more potentials, but they are quite the different scenario from local sugar. Definitely look at the link SD Guru provided for some guidelines (better to say they are strongly recommended). Whatever you do, keep safety at the top of your list!

    Before I entered a LDA, the potential SD came to my town to meet with me. I had to wait a few weeks for the plans to come together, but that was fine. We met for dinner and a few drinks…2-3 hours tops. Once we met and knew we were interested in pursuing things further, details of the arrangement were discussed via e-mail and agreed upon BEFORE arranging the travel date. The first travel date, I had my own room and flight…confirmed and unable to be canceled. Intimacy was optional, but the arrangement was formal. As a LADY, you are under no obligation to see if “connection first” = intimacy. This is known as a test drive and no genuine SD would suggest it. We all know that it’s easy enough to tell if you want to be intimate with someone without actually putting yourself in a compromising situation. Beyond that, expect that you will see him less, but for longer periods of time unless other opportunities allow for more visits. Give yourself some space on the first long visit with time away. A genuine guy will offer a little play money or spa time while he is working. You can be of great assistance by arranging your flight and car during the travel (mine let me use his cc#, others will send money in advance). If he has a favorite hotel chain, you can even help arrange the room…use caution if he’s married.

    Hope this helps!

  89. Tanya says:

    Thank you SD Guru.

  90. Tanya says:

    Thanks to everyone for their input in regards to my situation. I apologize now because this is going to be a rather long post. Perhaps it will keep you all busy as I have seen posts saying the blog has been slow 🙂

    I just recieved a message from another SD who wishes to have me travel with him. How do I go about starting with this arrangement? Should we meet somewhere to see if things click and if so at what point do I travel the world with him? I have heard horror stories where girls have met a SD who seemed nice and never had a single bad feeling about him, only to be stranded in a foreign country with a creep later.
    Dont get me wrong, he seems nice enough already, he has similar interestes to mine. Both in the fashon industry in one aspect or another. He has even offered to be a mentor. He stated that he does not give any $ up front, which is understandable and I would never be so shallow as to ask for that. He prefers to see if there is a connection first. Again I agree, I just choose to have travel expenses covered if I have to travel far. Have yet to discuss many details. I wanted to ask you all first.

    Should I go for the local and see how that pans out or go for my dreams and travel the world with a kind and generous SD?

    I want to thank you all for taking the time to answer my questions. Safety is my number one priority and I value the experiences and input from each of you!

    • SD Guru says:

      @Sunny SB
      how do you know they are just using random names and not actually just new to the blog?

      You want me to give away my secrets?? 😯

      @Totally Different Name
      You mean me?

      You’re not doing a very good job of hiding your identity!! 😆

      Should I go for the local and see how that pans out or go for my dreams and travel the world with a kind and generous SD?

      Most of your questions about a travel meet are addressed here: “Travel Guidelines for SB’s

      I’m just giving you the perspective of one man who’s been there, done that.

      It takes a player to know one! :mrgreen:

      And the problems didn’t occur in bed. It was always LATER that weirdness ensued.

      That may be true, but plenty of problem can occur in bed as well. In a threesome arrangement the issue of chemistry is very difficult to manage in and out of bed because it’s much more complicated.

  91. Bela says:

    Tueday morning…So far so good 🙂 (Fingers crossed of course)

  92. NC Heels says:

    Thanks to all for greeting me in the blog! I might use this website for the blog alone! Anyway, I will live through all of your sugar experiences since mine are kind of “meh.” I really enjoy reading all of the stories and inquiries.

    I am beginning to field emails and and not loving what I’m getting. A lot of winks, stuff from potentials in Missouri, Fl, etc. A good portion of the NC selection either winked or sent me a short email. Certainly not nearly all in the area, but I recognize them from my searches. I have already eliminated a few based on emails alone. I have already had red flags in emails. Nothing vulgar yet, but I was a little angry when I gave a potential access to my private photos (which are just shots of my body in various cute outfits) and he said “there wasn’t much to see.” I asked him to clarify the comment and he said he could see I was attractive, but the photos didn’t add anything to that? WTF, backpedaling a bit if you ask me. I will see the humor in it, but can we say expectations??

    I am going to be very “not desperate” in my search. I plan to have zero tolerance for any red flags or bad feelings. I just hope I can hold onto mu job and my financial grounding long enough to find someone!

    @Cinnamon Sugar

    Thanks for the greeting. Good to know there are others in NC! NC pickings are worse than they were in 2007. I think I will expand to VA and SC, maybe even Georgia. I really want someone here where I live, and I haven’t eliminated all of the nearby options, but they are dropping like flies!

  93. If a 1099 is sent by “employer” and not reported on your own tax return, it will also trigger an audit for you.

  94. NC Gent says:

    Hi BiBaby — first of all, so happy that you found a great SD! I was reluctant to chime in on the tax issue, but since SD Guru brought it up… First of all, I am going to assume that he isn’t going to send you a 1099, but you may want to confirm that so you aren’t surprised by a tax burden. If he doesn’t send you a 1099 and he gets audited, there is going to be some explaining on his company’s part, and potentially your part if you have elected not to pay taxes on the sugar. A corporation/partnership/business entity isn’t allowed to give tax free monetary gifts (even up the standard dollar amount) because it would be a tax evasion haven. (They can give them to 403(c) registered charities though). Legally, he needs to provide you with a 1099 if the company provides you more than $600 (assuming you haven’t incorporated your sugarness and provided him with the W-9). Not trying to be a buzz kill, but you need to understand you have some exposure here. Cash is still the best gift card that I know of, and I would recommend putting the burden on him.

    I am not a tax accountant or lawyer, but I have learned more tax law than I cared to learn by being in business.

  95. The Lone Gunman says:

    Goooood Mooooorning Suuuugar Bloooooog!

    Are you a Tuesday Titan–meaning that even though the week has only started that you have a Sugar meet today? If so, will it be sweet, or Splenda?


  96. BiBaby says:


    Hey you glad to see you’re on again. New SD & I are doing well so far and regardless, yes, I have learned a lot and the learning curve can be brutal. But in the process of searching for success, I’ve been able to find/fix the things that I can change to improve and that alone is helpful. I’ve also learned that there are true SD’s out there, even if they are very rare, and knowing that is all I need to know to continue being in the sugar bowl despite the ups & downs.

    I didnt’ really think about tax issues, I cashed the check at his bank (not mine) so it never hit my account. I keep all my allowance in cash and pull out as needed in small increments here and there. Regarding him hiding it, as he’s a partner in a partnership of 3 or so, I don’t think there’s a problem with that, the wife is not involved with the company in any manner. At our next meet I plan to ask him if that is best for him to continue in this way, I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to be walking around with 1 or 2k in cash…

    I totally understand where you are coming from, I have to travel usually 1 1/2 – 2 hrs each way and it takes about a half tank of gas ($20-$25) on average to go to a meet.

    Honestly at first I did ask ahead of time if they minded covering my gas up and back since I’m out of town. Often the answer was yes, however I’ve also been offered to meet halfway (which I accepted, and worked great) and about 1/2 the time the pot SD would “forget” the gas $ and I’d have to ask for it at the end. Not a good way to end a date.

    This is JUST my opinion as a fellow sugar sister, but Lily advised ME that it may come off as desperate to ask for gas money, and you don’t want to start any relationship on so obviously an unequal footing. While we all know that the inherent nature of sugar is that there is an unequal footing financially, the RELATIONSHIP itself should be a meeting of equals. Each has something the other wants and a benefit to offer in return.

    I will admit I stopped asking for gas $, the next meet with a pot SD he suggested meeting halfway. I hoped he would offer but I didn’t ask and I was politely blown off, so I just had to suck it up. However he did drive halfway and I didn’t pay for lunch so it wasn’t all one sided. My next meet I did not ask nor get gas $ offered but again, the pot came closer to me, this time less than an hour away. I did not mention money once nor anything doing with my own situation (unemployed grad student) nor the 2 bald tires I had to replace for $400. This worked like a charm however as I know my SD knows I like him for him and that is so much more than just whether or not he covers gas $. Obviously with an allowance gas $ isn’t an issue and my tires are paid for now as well.

    I know this may not be a popular viewpoint, but I would say the cost of gas, unless you are literally driving far enough that you should be taking the train or flying instead, is just the cost of doing business, much the same as haircolor, nails, gym, dry cleaning or any other sugar expense.

    A true gentleman will usually offer and if they don’t and things work out, the end payout more than compensates for it anyway. Just my opinion, I wish you well!!!

    I agree 100% with TL, Guru and everyone else who says it is not the request for a 3some that is weird, but the TIMING!. I can’t say for the right guy, after a long time together, that I wouldn’t consider something like that. (I’m not bisexual but I’m not a homophobe by a long shot either…I think women are beautiful)….BUT even for the right guy, I’d want to be sure WE were a great item first and that this extra spice is just to add to the sugar and not be the foundation of it. It totally sounds like a pay-for-play situation and I would steer clear of this guy.

    Definitely want to get my DC sisters together for Georgetown Cupcake….we have to do it girls!!! Esp if they are taping, OMG!! 🙂

  97. Sunny SB says:

    @ Bela: Actually I have been using an aloe plant.. great for healing.. and yes lots of night time moisturizer..mostly just have some red and a few blisters out of it so it should heal quickly. Got a nasty email from that Pot so I am glad I have paid attention to that red flag after this had happened.. chalk it up to lessons in learning. 😉

  98. Bela says:

    I like to try to think that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for and today I may have accomplished that. Anyway…

    @Tanya – VERY sorry to hear about your job! You are not alone in this and I hope you are able to bounce back quickly. In regards to travel expenses, hopefully this was something that was addressed when negotiating the arrangement between the two of you. If not, you may want to speak up sooner than later before the wear and tear on your vehicle takes its toll and you’re in need of a new set of tires. Your best bet is to just be honest. Inform your potential or current SD that about your recent loss and what you may need to continue the arrangement. If this is not something they can handle, it may be time to move on. Incurring more debt to pursue a sugar arrangement won’t make the most sense to the average person, but it’s entirely up to you.

    @Sunny SB – Yay about your dress!!! Are you putting anything on your skin while you heal? Don’t forget that in terms of skincare, there are very few times when there’s no such thing as too much night-time moisturizer.

    @ToughLove – For the record, I am LOVING the term “in stereo.” You’re right though, oddly enough, the negative issues when dealing with multiple partners tends to occur after the actual sexual act rather than during. I’ve always wondered why that is.

  99. Sunny SB says:

    Picean69: I am confused as to why your name links to a sugar daddy blog..I realize it is talking about seeking arrangement but what does this tell us about you?? If you are serious about wanting advice, you place your profile wait for it to be approved which I imagine you have done and just be honest when you are searching for what you want but if you appear desperate you will attract some unsavory characters who may be fake so you need to screen potentials very carefully before agreeing to meet them.

    @ Tanya: It is advisable that a first meet take place in your area where you are the most comfortable but if you choose to meet him in another area you need to let him know that you just lost your job and if he is a gentlemen he may come to you or at least offer to reimburse you for travel cost.. but unless it is in your hand never count on promises as many never follow through with this.. so use caution.

  100. ToughLove says:

    Congrats on the new SD! I read your post from the other day about what’s happened over the last few months and all I could think was “Oh, my f’ing god, this girl has guts.” It was interesting watching your transformation from newbie to SB veteran. At least you were willing to push yourself through the learning curve, while others fell by the wayside. Well done, Madame.

    I have to agree with Guru on this. The fact that he brought up a threesome is irrelevant. It’s the TIMING of the request that sets off alarm bells in my head. I’ve gone through periods of my life where I preferred my women in stereo, so I became rather familiar with the landmines when handled poorly. I can’t imagine giving a woman the “brush off” (even done tactfully and skillfully, it’s still a brush off), and then almost immediately asking about a threesome…unless….I knew she was more into “me” than I was into “her”. At that point, it’s a “throw away” request. If she goes for it fine, if she doesn’t, well, I’ve risked nothing. This has nothing to do with your value as a woman. I’m just giving you the perspective of one man who’s been there, done that. (Yes, I’ve had times in my life where I’ve been an “ass” simply because I could.)

    Now, you talked about “your rules” for multiple partners. Great idea, however things have a way of getting “weird” when you least expect it. Something I learned long ago is when it comes to sex, humans are creatures of infinite possibility. The best laid plans of mice and men and all that, yadda, yadda, yadda. I’ve witnessed the end of many friendships simply because rules were ignored, violated, or treated as mere suggestions. And the problems didn’t occur in bed. It was always LATER that weirdness ensued.

  101. Picean69 says:

    Hi my name is Gayle, I am a single female bi-sexual looking for an arrangement with sugar daddy or sugar mumma. I have never done this at would appreciate advice on how to. Five years ago I went through something awful and i have lost everything and struggle, I am so over being poor. I would like to find a man or woman who can help me financially in return I am willing to respond in any way they may need me too, I am single and I have no hang ups, I’m genuine and want to find a man or woman who will be genuine and help. Discretion and honesty and trust you will find in me, Im not here to hurt anyone just desperately need that help.

    Being bi-sexual you may be a couple I am open to any arrangement


  102. Tanya says:

    So, I have been emailing with a pot SD and we are discussing meeting the first week in December. It will be a 3 hour drive each way for me. How do I approach the topic of having my transportation costs covered? I was laid off from work, this morning in fact, and without income getting there an back on my dime is going to be hard. I don’t want to seem like a gold digger, but from what I have read here and from past experiences it seems as though asking to have this cost covered is common. How do I do it?

    This is my first good feeling meet and don’t want to mess anything up!

  103. Sunny SB says:

    @SD Guru : lol.. I knew that.. I was just having a little fun.. as the blog has been usually quiet the past few days. On a happier note I just came back from cleaners.. and my beautiful treasure dress is saved..;) now if my skin just heals I will be tip top again. Just for curiosity sake.. how do you know they are just using random names and not actually just new to the blog?

  104. SD Guru says:

    @Sunny SB

    What I said didn’t apply to you, you’ve been posting long enough in the blog so you’re a known quantity. What I referred to are occasional posters who drop in with random posts under totally different names.

  105. Sunny SB says:

    @ SD Guru: LMAO.. but hope you are not referring to me..lol.. I have used other screen names..started with Sunnylane and someone said that was a porn star..;) so went to Sunny Funny but lost my sense of humor there briefly so shortened it to Sunny ..lol.. but I do get what you are saying. So in my own way I am guilty as well but figured everyone would still know who I am as my name always links to one of my blogs..;) Happy Monday!

  106. Sunny SB says:

    MIdwest SB: Yes, it is definitely a story I can tell in the future.. as for the restaurant owner.. now that is a delicious thought..lol.. unfortunately I am attracted to older men.. and he is possibly 34 or 35 however if I was looking for IRLR I would give him a second look but that is not what I want. 😉 Hope all is very sweet for you in the sugar world Midwest..

    @ Bibaby: I am on the same page as you.. and really looking at what his actions tell me about him.. so I move on. 😉

    @ emmanuelle: I linked my name to my 411 blog.. it is not finished but it is something I wish someone had told me when I first started fishing online in the sugar bowl. When you learn how to screen pot’s which is not foolproof, learn how to negotiate an arrangement and more important know what to expect and how we SB’s need to practice safety the sugar search becomes more manageable and you can actually enjoy the hunt or as I like to put it be hunted. Just avoid those who talk with their hands too much in a restaurant..lol..;).

    Even the seasoned SB’s will sometimes end up with a dud that slipped by their radar.. but there are genuine gentlemen out there. I wish you the best.
    @Carebear… glad to see you on here.. lurking or not.. and yes I so agree with you when it comes to height.. as we use certain clues they tell us to look appropriate for them at a meet. 😉

  107. Sunny SB says:

    @ SD Guru: (the wise omnipotent Guru sprouting horns) ..lmao.. but all views are welcome. The decision point in this.. he did present the envelope and that is the issue as taking it back brings up the point of his integrity, countability, reliability and when you first meet a pot it is important early on to establish if as a SB you can trust and count on this individual as we both operate on blind trust and faith in the beginning as we are getting to know each other. So I ask you what does his actions tell you? I did not open the envelope so I do not know how much was in there but even if had only a twenty dollar bill in it the point would be at least he was making a gesture. When you give something and take it back you are demonstrating and showing a glimpse of what you might be like in a sugar arrangement. This is a big red flag and the more I think about it .. the more I realize that I escaped the bullet.

    Even now he has yet to ask me about my skin that got scalded from that hot sauce covering the food. That also shows me a lack of consideration. I had patrons in the restaurant that were more concerned about me when it happened and one woman from another table who I did not know actually followed me to the bathroom to see if she could help me.;) It all comes down to using the meets to learn a little more about a pot before possibly entering an arrangement and I learned volumes in this chapter and decided to close the book. I would actually have preferred if he had not presented the envelope considering he took it back, however, it is best it happened this way as I got to see a little of his true character. I would not of held anything against him that I did not expect… it is not the money… it is the principle however. As a SB I often in the past have overlooked certain things that were red flags and this is how I got into bad predicaments.. I am simply wising up, know what I want now.. and refuse to settle for lack of character.

    @ RealDeal8888: In general yes.. the sexual side of the arrangement comes into play after the arrangement is agreed upon but not necessarily right away. Some SD’s want to build a rapport with their SB.. they take their time to not rush them.. some like to get to know you well before becoming intimate but if they are paying your allowance on time.. they are meeting their financial obligation. You many want to ask him how he envisions this arrangement working out a month from now..three months from now and so on.. so you have a better idea of what he is wanting from you.

  108. carebear says:

    -de lurk-

    Still need to catch up on the blog and email everyone back, but I have to just say something to get it out of the way.

    All SD’s, PLEASE, I beg of you. Lie about your age, lie about your wife, lie about your house, lie about your money. But STOP lying about your HEIGHT! I chose shoes according to your listed measurements. DON’T LIE TO ME!

    I stand 5’6, if I’m wearing 3 inch heels and you’re 6’0, I SHOULD NOT FLANK YOU.


    -re lurk-

  109. Michael Alleycat says:

    @RealDeal – it ain’t called ‘mutually beneficial’ for nothing. Its all in the agreement you set up between you. You get what you negotiate – looks like you have negotiated yourself a very expensive friend!

    • SD Guru says:

      There had been some interesting stories in the blog and I’d like to offer my two cents. Please note I’m going to play devil’s advocate to provide a different perspective than what’s already discussed as food for thought. I’m not telling anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. Each person has the prerogative to make their own choices.

      So as you can imagine I’m extremely confused,first I questioned why he didn’t bring this up when we spoke a a few hours earlier when he told me he was out of the country,second I’m a bit skeptical….I’m not sure if this is an “escape route” or if he’s telling the truth.

      When a pot SD tells you after a first meet that he needs time to sort things out (regardless of what his excuse is), what does it really mean? Despite how well you think the meet went, maybe it wasn’t good enough for him to pursue further so he wants to explore other options first. Even though you said he hasn’t logged into his account, he may have another profile or is active on other sites.

      Ive always wanted to bed in bed with two women at the same time,so please dont be mad at me if I ask if you would be comfortable sharing this with me.

      So he went from wanting to focus on his kids to asking you about a threesome as soon as you contacted him. Does that strike you as a little odd? You went from looking for a SD to contemplating a threesome? Here’s a hint. If you want to seriously consider him as a SD, then make sure you get to know him one on one first before thinking about indulging in his threesome fantasy. OTOH, if you don’t care whether he’s a SD or not and think a threesome might be fun, then of course it’s a choice you make.

      He told me he actually took it back and not because of anything I had done but he was afraid he would have to replace the dress and it was obviously expensive.

      The fact that he took back the envelope and how he behaved afterward seem to get most of the attention, and rightly so. But consider this… I assume the envelope wasn’t discussed prior to the meeting and it was not expected, and therefore is it a big deal that he took it back? I mean if there was no envelope to start with, would you have held that against him?

      Only weird thing was he gave me a check…it came down to trusting my instincts, and my gut instinct said it was good (drawn on his personal company), and it was.

      A while ago I wrote that one shouldn’t take checks of any kind until you have established trust. You trusted your gut instinct and the check was good, so good for you. Now the issue is, there is a paper trail from him to you so you should consider the possible ramifications. Such as, since it’s a company check, are there any tax considerations for you, and how does he get it past the company’s accounting/finance/audit process? I don’t recall whether he’s married, but with a paper trail on an on-going basis it will probably increase the chances of being discovered.

  110. Realdeal8888 says:

    All SB’s…

    I have a question. Is the general expectation that if you meet a POTSD, have a good time and agree on an allowance amount, that the relationship will be (at least in part) physical? Would anyone expect otherwise? Just curious, because I have found someone who seems to fall into category II and I have been up front (hoping for change maybe?) but I think I should cut my losses and move on. Thoughts?

  111. MIdwest SB says:

    Bela – My heart goes out to you ((((hugs))))

    Emmanuelle, et al- It’s so hard to be in financial need and look to sugar to solve those problems immediately. Finding a great, genuine SD takes time and unfortunately most ladies don’t have time once they have resolved to come here. It’s a double-edged sword in that what brings us here ends up being solved in some other way, but we find that genuine sugar and friendship keeps us here. What I’m really trying to say is keep all options open to solve your immediate problems…don’t let some p4p SD take advantage of your situation. Don’t let finances drive your decisions. Instead, take the time to screen out the wannabes and go for the true gents. These men are out there and well worth the effort and time it takes to find them.

    Sunny – This date will one day be one of those stories that you love to tell during parties and everyone will think it’s hysterical! Meanwhile, sorry about the dress…perhaps the restaurant owner will be your future SD?!

  112. warning says:

    watch out for
    524967-just wants pix-makes alot of promises-doesn’t come through
    545927-only wants pay for play in person-gross
    347028-midget! cheap! gross

    • SD Guru says:


      I noticed that you’ve posted under several screen names in the past month. Why? Although your posts did not incite flame, by posting under various screen names it calls into question the credibility of your posts. My comment applies to others who have done the same thing as well. You know who you are! 🙄

  113. Bela says:

    Not the best day for me (death in the family) but I’m hoping this week will be manageable. Throwing myself into my work tends to help.

    Keep smiling, sugars. If you don’t, you might as well give up now.


  114. emmanuelle says:

    Well because I do not know everything about the Sugar world some men,

    have used it that. I only got intimate once once with this one man on the

    third date. we discussed the arrangement before and he proposed to give

    me 200 everytime we were to see each other, and then later on 800 a

    month. I like 800 idea but, now I absolutely hate it. and I don’t really

    know what decisions to make since I need the money. I’m seeing

    somebody else who is extremely busy, I only saw hi once. But he’s too

    busy trying to make me model instead of helping me around with the real

    things that I need right now. Like my rent. and being an engineer.

    I haven’t realized that I need to be direct, and not have these guys make

    decisions for me. I thought a million times about deleting my profile, but

    times are hard. I really wish I could find someone who suits, someone

    who understands that I am very intelligent and does not want to make

    me somebody else or decide how much they want to give me! I admit I

    have been very very weak.

  115. BiBaby says:


    I would have agreed to meet for dinner, at least if for no other reason than for him to take the gift he took back, and give it to you to cover the replacement of the dress. Even if dry cleaning worked out (he doesn’t know and apparently doesn’t care), I would have gotten the replacement of the dress on principal.

    The fact he took back the envelope due to the cost of replacing the dress tells you that he cannot afford to be in the sugar bowl…either because 1.) he doesn’t have the money truly or 2.) he has the money but he’s cheap with it. Neither one makes for a good SD IMHO.

    Sounds like you are better off without him but it sucks you couldn’t get the money back for the dress. He should have offered but were it me, I would have insisted nonetheless.

  116. Sunny SB says:

    @ Bela: I know you are so right, and at least I had the opportunity to see the person he was hiding to some degree. Sometimes I find it hard when I go into a meet being myself and too honest at times to a fault and just keep finding that main breaking point for me which is respect and honesty. So the search continues for a second more steady SD with a vigor. 😉

  117. Sunny SB says:

    @MissmilanDC: Now that is what I call empowering and I love the honesty of him putting it out there.. real life situations do happen and it is nice that he responded back to reassure you of his interest as well. This is what I love about the sugar world as we have the opportunity at times to act out those little fantasies that we are curious about..so more power to you what ever choice you make and when you make it! 😉

    @TLG: hmmm I think all those little voices in your head are right as all my little voices starting screaming at me when I talked to him on phone earlier. I would be a liar to say I did not mind that he took back the envelope , actually I could really have used it no matter what the denomination was in it. However, at the end of the day it is me who wants to close my eyes to a clear conscience and feel I am always true to myself. So closing that chapter is best for me as once trust is broken it is hard to repair especially at this early of stage. I just wish I could have a meet where the planets align and there is a real gentlemen there whose talk meets his walk . 😉

  118. Bela says:

    Missmilan – The whole threesome issue will be interesting for you. I love that you’ve already decided that if this were to happen, it would be on your terms.

    Personally, under the right circumstances, I enjoy them, but when dealing with something so unfamiliar, it can be very tricky.

    Just stand firm in making sure that whatever happens is because YOU want it to happen and not because you want to make HIM happy.

    Your body. Your rules. Period.

  119. The Lone Gunman says:

    Sunny SB:

    What Bela said…particularly the part about how the pot did NOT step up and see to your needs prior to that restaurant manager. This was what bugged me about the story the most, even before you told us about the Incredible Vanishing Envelope.

    FWIW, *I* think you made the right decision.

    All of the voices in my head agree as well. 🙂


  120. MissmilanDC says:

    @SUNNYSB – You were right,he seemed very sincere but I was definitely weary as a result of already experiencing a ”poof daddy”….this ordeal took place last week,so I didnt contact him this week to give him sometime to clear things up…last night,prior to posting I wrote him saying ‘Thought of you,hope your day was great and all is well…. I woke up this morning and was elated to see a new inbox message which stated”still addressing problems with my daughter.I appreciate you for understanding.I have a question that im reluctant to ask because I want you as just mine:I dont want to share…but my question is a fantasy.Ive always wanted to bed in bed with two women at the same time,so please dont be mad at me if I ask if you would be comfortable sharing this with me.Totally up to you,and deciding not to wont make me feel any different towards you
    xoxo”….Now I have to be honest Ive had a few fantasies myself and im indifferent to his proposal,cant say Im for or against it…he was sooooo sincere and truthfull,honestly I cant even be mad that he asked.I’m somewhat flattered that he felt this comfortable with me because he actually has alot to lose….I’ll decide,but either way iy WILL BE ON MY TERMS,AND MY RULES(I choose,who,when,where and how…and of course no contact between him and my counterpart)..should I dare follow through.Who knows it might be fun.;) I need to weigh the options,it might be to early for this type of thing lol but what the hell,you only live once.;p

  121. Bela says:

    lol Believe me, it’s not you. You were exactly right. His actions said a lot and you handled yourself beautifully. Closing that chapter was the right thing to do. Hopefully, he’ll learn from his errors and treat the next pot right, but you shouldn’t have to be the one to teach him those lessons nor should you have to put up with that type of behavior.

    Had he been the guy you deserve, not only would he not have retracted the gift, but he would have tended to you before the restaurant manager offered to help.

    Just as BiBaby and the others have said, finding the quality guy takes time. The good thing is you’re putting yourself out there without sacrificing who you are. Think of this as paying your dues just as you do in your career. Sometimes you have to go through some bad stuff to get to the good stuff which will make you even more appreciative and grateful of the great stuff.


  122. Sunny SB says:

    @ Bela: Thank You for your feedback.. I know its a dress but I was questioning myself if this is a red flag. I just got off the phone with him as I felt I did not want the discussion via email. I actually asked him if he had picked up the envelope or if it had gotten tossed in the clean up of the mess of food everywhere. He told me he actually took it back and not because of anything I had done but he was afraid he would have to replace the dress and it was obviously expensive. WoW and Ouch! He took the opportunity to tell me how much he had enjoyed the afternoon and was impressed with the way I dealt with it. Wanted to know if I would like to have dinner with him tonight and I passed. I told him it was not due to the accident with his arms and the waiter but it had to do with his actions. That he would think I was less deserving of the gift he had already handed to me and then took it back with out a word I felt was a slap in the face. I also told him I was looking for a real gentlemen and although I was enjoying lunch for me it is not simply about money but there are just certain elements missing and one of those for me is trust so I wished him well in his search and have closed that chapter. 😉

    I really feel like I am may be getting a little gun shy now.. hey an accident is an accident but I would love to meet a pot with the same integrity that I feel I possess and someone who wants not only the sexual connection but connect on other levels as well and who can leave drama out of it. So tell me Bela am I looking for some elusive SD that simply does not exist any more? I still have my part time SD who I will not see for quite a while and grateful that he is genuine. Heck I would travel out of the country to meet a pot of quality like that..lol.. but then wouldn’t we all. 😉

  123. Bela says:

    SUGARS!!! OMG Longest, but most awesome business trip! The only thing that sucks is wherever my college statistics professor is, I owe her like $500. I remember telling her that I would never need the crap she taught me and damned if I didn’t just spend the whole last week building software reports with the exact things I learned from that class almost ten years ago. Major nerd bummer.

    Very glad to be back in the country, and I’m loving how much awesomeness has been happening with everyone. I just stepped on the scale after two insane weeks of funky hours and crazy eating times. I wonder If there’s such a thing as a fitness SD (as in, I’ll take care of my financial stuff, but the SD pays to get my fluffy butt in shape lol.) Actually that’s not true: fitness and waxing. I’m addicted to it, but can’t afford it and I hate shaving.

    A-Doc – AWESOME news about your trip! I am so jealous and thrilled that you’re doing this for yourself. You’ve worked so hard and have had quite a past few months. This trip is going to rejuvenate you 

    Alleycat – Being 29, I definitely see a difference in my sexual confidence now than when I was in my early 20’s. I embrace my body more and am more open about the things I want and enjoy. I think that’s partly the reason I’m looking forward to my 30’s. It can only get better! I pity the guy who decides to take me on 😉

    BiBaby – Very glad to hear things are working out well for you. I hope this guy is one of the great ones, because you deserve to enjoy yourself.

    Midwest – As always, awesome advice. I like that you remind people that you can be assertive but still classy. Many times, those lines are crossed and something as simple as tact can fly out the window and turn off the other person. I hope your job search gives you some great results soon. You’re in my thoughts!

    Tricia – Not even mentioning the interesting detective work you did, I’m sorry to hear the guy was just a Gunna. At least you didn’t lose anything from the experience. Way to trust your gut!

    NC Gent – Good luck with Tuesday!!! Hopefully, she’s a good one 

    SunnySB – Oh no!!!!! Not the Chanel  Poor thing. Maybe there is some good in this situation…………not seeing it yet, but I’ll keep thinking…….yeah, no that just sucks all around. Not offering to replace the outfit was a major faux pas and I hope he later realized that. If not, it just shows that he may not be very attentive to your needs. I see a flag, so be careful.

  124. Sunny SB says:

    @ Emma: In person chemistry is often different than what we perceive it to be through email. I use the first and second meets to either confirm what I believe to be true about a pot or determine points that helps me to decide if I want an arrangement with this person. I usually limit my first meet to just a few hours unless this person is a distance away from me.. and that is usually the only time I will spend a whole day getting to know someone.. when great distance is involved.. Use your meet to really get to know him, and pay attention to body language. If he brings up details of an arrangement use the opportunity to see how he envisions the arrangement working. As to him viewing you as a gold digger there is a flip side to this.. many SD’s will be concerned about your well being and at least for me I have found that being honest about the circumstances so they understand why for example you have not called develops a bond of faith. It is not that you are asking for anything just simply stating the facts so he does not think he is being rejected. Good luck on your first meet.

  125. Emma says:

    I hope everyone had a good weekend. Although I just returned to the sugarbowl, I have a first meet in the works for later tonight. I was wondering if anyone has rules about how long they converse with a pot SD before they meet up? My previous SD and I talked a lot, even cancelled once, before we met. But they were all mutual circumstances that delayed our meeting.

    This pot SD and I have exchanged a few emails and it seems that we have a lot of intellectual chemistry, but he seems too eager. He kept pushing his phone number but I didn’t call because I’m out of minutes this month. (I didn’t tell him because I don’t want to come off as being so poor that I’m only a gold digger.) And he asked me twice about upcoming plans. Once unsolicited a few hours after he already replied to an earlier e-mail. We haven’t worked out any of the sticking points of an arrangement, and I’m hoping he’s going to use this first coffee date to discuss these things.

    I’m not getting a sketchy feel off of him, I’m getting the impression that he’s really nervous I’m going to disappear if I don’t meet him in person soon to prove I’m real. I guess I just wanted to see how y’all on the blog deal with bridging conversations to the first meet.

    @BiBaby and @MissmilanDC – Yay for DC SBs! When I first started there were none on the blog. I agree with BiBaby. Someday we should all meet up for Georgetown Cupcakes. Red velvet is my favorite!

  126. Sunny SB says:

    @MissmilanDC: Wow! Your experience definitely fits into decision points topic. I think it is often after we have dealt with a jd,fd or poof daddy we quickly get suspicious. And life does happen.. were there any red flags you had picked up on when you went out before? Up to this point did his talk meet his walk? Many SD’s have children and some are responsible entirely for their children.. and when a child is having difficulties they put their children first which is how it should be. The clues in his message to you are that he will contact you.. no signs of animosity and it appears to simply state the basic facts. To me the decision is do you practice blind faith in his statements that what he says is the truth? If you feel the mutual connection is strong and you want to wait I would set a time period so at least you are not waiting indefinitely. If you agreed to not logging into your mailbox before this happened I would say that is null and void but if it was agreed on through his email contact with you I would view that as another clue of his sincerity. Some people will disagree with me and quickly say Next! I have learned that real life often takes a role in a sugar arrangement and when it is early in the arrangement it is hard to know what to believe when you are still developing trust so I would recommend trusting your gut.

    Tricia29: I have found that some SD’s prefer someone who is already in a IRLR and I have even seen this in their profiles. Some have problems but as you were upfront from the beginning about it with him, this is something he needs to figure out if he can be comfortable with. You can let him know that you appreciate him and enjoy your time together but in the end he will either have to come to terms with it or move on. In the blog we often talk about not doing things we are not completely comfortable with and this applies to all sides. I hope it works out for you as it appears you have developed a connection and care for this SD.

  127. Tricia29 says:

    Thanks everyone who gave me feedback. I do have a SD that I had been seeing first. He is not extremely wealthy, but is generous so far. I guess I was being greedy when i stumbled on the poser. Anyway, the not so wealthy generous SD, I have been out with only twice. The first time we had lunch at my favorite mexican resaurant LALOS(its in chicago area) and he took me shopping, his idea. He spent about $450 on me. The second time dinner at Olive Garden and He gave me $350 to help me with a bill or two. I live with my boyfriend, and I was completley honest about my un happy situation. Now he says he feels funny, steping on another man’s toes. i dont want to loose this SD because he is so nice, Sure he is 25 yrs older than me and he is not the best looking man, but non of that seems to matter. How can I get him to stop worrying about my boyfriend.

  128. MissmilanDC says:

    @BiBaby-We should definitely meet,It would be great to finally have local sugar sisters 🙂

    Meeting a Pot SD this week,Last week I met with a “gift daddy” and a Potential.The date with the gift daddy went well,he even took me to Neimans later that evening to buy an ensemble for a wedding I attended in NY last weekend… 🙂 Wonderful.The date with the potential was one of the best dates of my life and I was extremely comfortable…I thought things were going great and I spoke with him briefly a few days after our date and he stated that he was out of the country (Which he often is) and that he’d follow up as soon as he returned from his business trip….then I received this message a few hours later.. “my kids are upset with me for a number of reasons.
    so, i need to focus on them.
    this means that, unfortunately, i don’t think i’ll be going out for a while—-with you or anyone.
    i am just being honest.
    my most important responsibility is being a good father, and right now, my kids need my total devotion and time.

    this has come up in the last few days.

    when i am through this, i’ll contact you.

    sorry honey”

    …..So as you can imagine I’m extremely confused,first I questioned why he didn’t bring this up when we spoke a a few hours earlier when he told me he was out of the country,second I’m a bit skeptical….I’m not sure if this is an “escape route” or if he’s telling the truth.From what I know our date went well and honestly I can’t do anything but give him the benefit of the doubt right now and believe him,because he is quite busy (travels most weekends etc)…..He hasn’t logged onto his account since we established a mutual connection,so im almost certain he’s not looking for another SB and overall I feel there’s nothing I can do but wait…I emailed him to check in and see if all is well….We decided to abstain from logging in on our accounts but after this email I pursued other options,just in case.I’m all too familiar with failed attempts…..seems its always the great ones.On another note if he’s telling the truth I don’t want to lose his trust by letting him find out that I’ve pursued other SD’s,because if he and I work out there’s great potential for an executive position at his firm,a great bond and a hefty allowance…he’s really a great guy.I waited 3 months to finally meet him…Do any of you get the same vibe I got from it?
    In the meantime I’ll maintain contact with my other SD’s via phone/email and do my best to keep my word to him….which should be easy considering I’ve already built a bond with the others.

  129. Sunny SB says:

    @ Bibaby: I love my outfit but when I got home I immediately changed clothes and ran it to the dry cleaners that the owner stated to go to. So now I will wait and hope for the best. Honestly I do not blame anyone, accidents happen and except for some red patches on my skin from the hot sauce the only injury to me is ego. 😉 I love a guy thinking about removing my clothes..he he he.. but just not that way..lol. The owner of the establishment is a sweetheart and I am not too worried about it as at the end of the day and now that I am all calmed down it is still just a dress no matter what the label is or the price. So tell me Bibaby do you think I should schedule a second meet..lol.. until that point things were going quite well but as you say gut.. and my intuition tells me to pay attention to his actions after this happened.

  130. BiBaby says:

    sorry, meant to say Tricia29, Sunny was replying to her….my mistake!

  131. BiBaby says:

    Always trust your gut. I can’t explain why but every time I’ve felt “off” or that something was wrong, it was. And when I felt calm or that I could trust, the same was true. Can’t understand why rationally but if anyone else’s intuition is anything like mine, it is a far better screening tool than any amount of emails, questions, or phone calls.

    Sometimes there is just no substitute for what your instincts tell you, esp if you meet someone in person. Humanity survived thousands of years this far for a reason and I suspect gut instincts had something to do with it.

    Sunny so sorry you had that experience! I’m glad I only own dresses that are under $100….I’d die if I had a Chanel ruined. Perhaps the owner will graciously replace it if the dry cleaning doesn’t repair it. Most restaurants have commercial liability insurance policies that pick up these type damages should they exceed the deductible, which I believe is usually around $1,000 or so. If under the deductible, he should cover it out of petty cash. Hope it all goes well for you.

    You handled it well! 🙂

  132. Sunny SB says:

    @Tricia29: Men want to help a SB because they form a bond/connection with them and I am not saying you can’t form a connection over the phone but I avoid those that talk too much today as it is usually fake anyways. I recently had a pot from mass. go that direction and I asked him why he was trying to tell me all things he is going to do for someone who he has not even met.. stated I was not for sale to the highest bidder and was looking for a mutually beneficial relationship with someone who was experienced and grounded but felt when promised outrageous things it is too good to be true so I would not be replying back to future correspondence. I have learned a few lessons the hard way in the sugar bowl but always trust your gut.. and if he is promising the moon and has never met you say the word Next! but do not let it have an affect on you.. there are some great ones out there and patience and careful searching and screening will at some point open the door for you. Just avoid the clumsy ones who gesture with their arms. 😉

  133. Sunny SB says:

    @NYC SB: His reaction was interesting and very apologetic .. as the waiter approached he was already swinging his arm to mimic an action as he was describing something that had happened but his back was to the approaching waiter and did not see him coming. The waiter was not looking where he was going either and had turned his head and it all happened so fast. He really felt bad about what happened but he did not offer to replace the outfit which is one of my best and not cheap nor did he offer picking up the dry cleaning tab but the owner of the establishment did.

    @ TLG: yes this incident was clearly caused by his actions but I do not think it was a set up and until this happened everything was actually going wonderfully and he clearly stated half way through lunch how much he was enjoying himself and asking me if I would consider meeting him again. We were at the point of ordering desert when this happened and he had laid down an envelope on the table just minutes before this happened telling me it was a token of his appreciation for taking the time to meet him. I had not picked up the envelope when I ended up getting covered in food and sauce. Afterward when I returned from the bath room to wipe off as much as I could.. he was still at the table but the envelope was no longer there.. when I got home I checked my purse which in my distress I had left under the table when I went to the ladies room and the envelope was not in there either so add insult to injury. Earlier I received an email from him again apologizing for the incident and asking me for a second chance as he feels we connect on many levels. I sent a short reply thanking him for his inquiry and apology but stated I needed to think about this and would touch base with him in the next few days. I do not hold an accident against anyone.. but his actions irk me a bit and that for me is a major flaw and an example of how conditional his generosity is and would be in the future. Other than that there were no red flags and he is interesting so I will give it some critical thought and give the red patches from the hot sauce time to heal. 😉

  134. Tricia29 says:

    Well its official this potential was a fake. I new it was too good to be true, I should’ve followed my gut feeling. I talked to him briefly a few minutes ago. (rememember he canceled our first meet today after saying his son was in hospital) Anyway he romanced me with all these promises of 5,000 a month allowance, credit card, car,ect. Well I asked him what was his sons name so I could pray for him. I called hospital where he said son was at, there is and never was anyone under that name. So I told him to please not contact me again. I dont like liars, especially because I have been 100% honest about everything. Just thought I let everyone know what happened. Also this a good lesson for me to have learned and hopefully some one else will as well. If a potential promises me the world before meeting me in person, he probley is a poser who is sitting on the other end of phone wacking off to my voice and picture.

  135. The Lone Gunman says:

    Sunny SB:


    Was he doing this wild gesticulating in any way prior to striking the waiter’s arm? If not, I smell a setup.

    Like NYC SB, I’m curious what his reaction was to something that–as you described it–was clearly caused by his actions.

    That’s just how I roll, though; simply because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t planning to get you.


  136. NYC SB says:

    Sunny sb – what did your pot sd do? I’m sorry you got covered in tomatoes and your outfit was ruined …

  137. Sunny SB says:

    @ emmanuelle: It sounds like you have had a bad experience..so sorry hon… what things was it you did not realize? There are quite a few help topics to help you navigate the sugar world but it is not for everyone.

  138. Sunny SB says:

    Well my lunch date turned out quite interesting.. nice restaurant interesting conversation and things were going so well until my date started gesturing wildly with his arms as he was telling this story. A waiter was walking by carrying a tray over his head and my date hit is arm forcefully and despite a desperate attempt to not lose the tray the food went sliding and I ended up wearing Italian food all over my cute little channel number. Wow after a few gasp and the fact the food was hot especially the sizzling sauce which was scorching my skin and a upset waiter and apologizing manager/owner running to our table. I accept his card to have my outfit sent to the dry cleaners and made a hasty retreat to the bath room and when I was done.. I said my farewell to the gentleman and headed home with my head held high cover in sauce. lol.. Needless to say I would rather be coated with sugar than tomatoes. And how was your day???

  139. emmanuelle says:

    Well, Im done with these men, didn’t realize a lot of things! thanx for the advises everyone!

  140. aspiring-doc says:


    I think spending your money on tuition fees and college is great :). Mind you I would say that. :D. Im a big believer in attaining ones dreams. If my life is but one drop in a bucket, I want to at least make a decent splash ;).
    I spent (currently on a break) all my $$ sugar on tuition fees, rent etc. It gave me the freedom to work less and study more.
    Aslong as you are confident, I dont think the label on your dress matters all that much 🙂 wear things that make you look and feel great, regardless of the label :P.

  141. carebear says:


    i’ve been lurking but not commenting. shame on me.

    going to another concert tonight! then tomorrow i will catch up on blogs and emails =)

    excited about tuesday! <3

  142. FL-SD says:

    @Midwest, NC gent
    I agree on the allowance discussion. I tend to favor an explicit statement of the amount of allowance. The “open negotiable” choice is more difficult to figure out, so I’d prioritize those lower in a search.

    I suspect that most real SDs are comfortable with the allowance discussion, and should be comfortable getting specific sooner rather than later.

    The more difficult issue is the one where someone deliberately picks a higher category to limit the insincere SDs… those would frequently not show up on searches within your own budget zone.

  143. BiBaby says:


    I’m near DC, by about an hour or so….are you too?? Maybe we can meet up! I think there’s a MilanSB and a DC Baby SB too??

    Sounds like us DC sugarbabies should hit up the Georgetown Cupcake factory and see if we can get on TV!!! you know they tape there! 🙂 And the cupcakes are delightful too BTW.

    You may want to cut some slack, just once. I was worried earlier about my SD as I hadn’t heard from him since our date…only to find out his phone took a swim and was RUINED, including all his contacts. He had to wait to get online to find my info again and be able to reach me after 2 days…so it’s really possible something happened with your pot SD and he’s unable to make the date. Crappy stuff happens to us all and it’s not always an indicator of a bad person or a flake but rather just bad timing.

    I agree with NC Gent in that you should try however possible to make your meets (I made mine with a post op bandaged foot, but it only served to make funny conversation….I decided to make light of my misfortunate & add levity to the situation) BUT on the other hand, you do have to cut the SD’s a little more slack. Not only due to the ratio but the fact that an absence of nagging & drama is a huge selling point to why they are choosing to spend time with a sugarbaby instead of their wife or another woman. If he flakes a second time, I’d next him myself however….I had that happen and it was indeed a waste of time when we finally met on the third attempt.

    Yes, I’m working hard on keeping my good fortune….I really like him a lot so it’s worth it. I still miss the cats my ex SD had though, from time to time, isn’t that sad?? *LOL* Maybe they can send me updates & pawprint letters….

  144. FL-SD says:

    @tricia29. I too agree with Midwest & NCGent…there’s a high probability that the guy is/was fake. Small chance that it is otherwise. Life *does* happen sometimes, but first dates set the tone, in my opinion.

  145. Lily says:

    BiBaby- yay!!!!!!!!! You really lucked out. Hang on to him. So happy for you.

  146. nc gent says:

    Hi Midwest – I have a sugar date on Tuesday that I am very excited about I I ill let everyone know how it goes 🙂

  147. sunny SB says:

    @ Midwest SB: sorry to hear you are back in the job hunt.. hope you find something soon.. but it is also great opportunity to look other places if you are seeking a warmer climate 🙂

    @ Tricia29: I so agree with NC Gent and Midwest.. to tread cautiously but do give me a chance just in case it really was an emergency situation. Last month my dad had a stroke and I had to cancel with a Pot.. I explained the situation and was honest about it but he thought I was a Poof SB and that was not the case but life does happen.. and I get where he is coming from as we SB and SD’s experience this quite often. Just my 2 cents..

    NC Gent: How are you? Do you have a sugar coated weekend planned? 😉

    @ all I am getting ready for a lunch meet.. hope everyone’s day is sugar coated.

  148. Midwest SB says:

    NC Gent – Good point. I never put my allowance as open-negotiable as it tends to attract the ones who shouldn’t be here in the first place. I strongly recommend putting your range in as yet another screening tool. How’s the sugar these days?

    Tricia29- NC Gent is spot on. Some guys just want to talk the talk. I’m surprised he didn’t already try to reschedule. Walk with care and give your current guy some fireworks!

  149. NC Gent says:

    Hi Midwest — glad the job search is going well. As always, you have some good points on allowance as a screening tool. My only comment would be if you put something such as “seeking a generous gentleman” and you have stated your desired allowance as “open negotiable” I am inclined to pass those profile by because I think they may be out of my range… just the perspective of one SD.

    Tricia29 — stuff happens. I would be inclined to give him one more chance, but I would narrow the future conversation to setting up the next date. Don’t let him waste too much of your time — he may just be looking for a chat buddy. At least you have one nice SD already — some people never find one!

  150. Tricia29 says:

    Good morning all

    Well it looks like my potential may be a “fake”. He romanced me with all of the great things he wants to do for me and with me, and the generous allowance. He text me this morning saying there has been a family emergency, so our shopping date and lunch has to be canceled. Maybe it is true, but it is a little bit too convenient. I am thinking I should just not talk to him anymore. Why waist any time talking to someone over phone that is a poser? What does everyone here think? Am I being to judgemental or I am I right. I did kinda think he was too good to be true. I am so glad I still have my other daddy that is not as wealthy, but at least does what he says and is generous for his financial status. I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts.

  151. Emma says:

    @BiBaby, Sounds like a great thing you have going on. Don’t let him get away! You mentioned Georgetown Cupcakes… are you in the DC area? Because I am!

  152. Emma says:

    Hi all, hope everyone had a good Friday and I hope the slow action on the blog today is because everyone is going out on fabulous sugar dates!

    @Lily and TLG – sorry for the delayed response, but work will keep you away from the computer for most of the day. I was Jamisen. I still really liked that name, but something funky was going on with my old account and so I had to create a new one. I guess I might as well take the time to create a new name too. You don’t get many opportunities IRL to do that! Oh and Lily, Taylor does sound familiar. I think you may have been joining the blog when I was starting to wane off. Thanks for the welcome back!

  153. Tricia29 says:

    @midwestSB: I think you are right, it is a good idea to talk about the allowance right away. There are so many men that think they will get lucky and the benefits will only be for them. Then there are the one’s who want to provide a small allowance of only 250 per month. Why waist your time on someone unless you both can come to a arrangement that can benefit both parties involved. Some of these men, I dont know what they are thinking, after all this is a sd/sb site. I find a lot of SD’s want to take me shopping, that is great. However the clothes and jewelry doesnt do me much good when I have bills to pay. In my opinon he will take me shopping for his enjoyment, because he wants me to wear the clothes, ect when I am with him. so far with the two sugar daddys I have dated they both were no problem when it came to the allowance issue.

  154. Midwest SB says:

    Evening sugars!

    Ladies- Would it help to consider using the allowance discussion as a screening tool early on? A genuine SD has realistic expectations and knows the conversation is coming. A fake will run and you haven’t wasted much time.
    You can start with hints in your profile “I’m looking for a generous man who is willing to help a lady through college (start a business, etc)”. Then when you are e-mailing or talking, ask him about his previous experience as an SD…What did he like/dislike…What type of arrangement did he have (gift, travel, allowance)…what would he do differently. Let him know you have goals to achieve personally and that his mentoring and assistance would be a great way to help you reach those goals. Be tactful, but don’t apologize for being here and having an expectation of allowances.

    Bibaby – Congrats on a wonderful gentleman. I love that he went out of his way to assist with your travel arrangements…a great start!

    Welcome newbies! Definitely read the private blogs linked to the names here. In addition, there are some links on the blog landing page that address those questions that arise when we’re new. Then bring the specifics here…we all wish you tremendous success!

    The job search is going well…already have leads and an amazing support network! I’m a lucky lady!

  155. Tricia29 says:

    Hi everyone,
    Tomorrow is my first meet with my “hopefully” new SD. He seems very nice on phone and on internet. He offered to pick me up, however I decided I better make sure he is ok before I let him know where I live. I try to make first meets during the day in a public place, for safety precautions. We are to meet for lunch and he wants to buy me a few outfits. I am hoping it will go well. The allowance we agreed on is very generous. We decided he would give me a partial amount tomorrow and the rest next week. I have too admit some of the things he says he wants to buy me and do for me seem a little too good to be true. I did mention it too him. He just replys that he really feels like we will have a connection and I will see for my self that he is for real. So I will find out tomorrow. He also agreed to pay for a baby sitter for my kids. I will let everyone know how it works out tomorrow. I have had SD’s in the past and they all worked out very well. I am hoping the same with this man. I find that I can usually weed out the men that are sleezy pretty fast.

  156. Stormcat says:

    Bibaby – I know I haven’t commented for a while but I’ve read your every post and feel inspired by you. Bravo!

  157. Stormcat says:

    oops: bane/death/poison not band/death/poison

  158. Stormcat says:

    Perhaps for this struggle would have been a better descriptor than confusion. Initially both the rhythm and the meter are irregular. It is hard to read. It is clumsy off the tongue and the reader struggles to say it smoothly. This symbolizes the feeling that the person being discussed is struggling to understand about his role as an SD, about how he should act, and about whether his expectations are unrealistic. The struggle continues in view of the competition and stigma that the SD experiences not from other legitimate SDs, but from the fakes and flakes that give him grief a tarnish the acceptableness of the real SD. In the last stanza both the rhythm and the meter smooth, out as well as the tone of the language, so it no longer is a struggle to read and speak the lines. It is even relaxing. This symbolizes the romantic resolution or realization of his real beautiful role as an SD. Yet that only sets the stage to highlight the band/death/poison as the NSA nature of arrangements startle his naive romantic sensibilities and strip him of the warmth and color that the arrangement just moments before represented.

  159. BiBaby says:

    hello sugar family,

    Back on briefly, have to spend some time tonight IRL doing family stuff. 🙂

    First, the sugar date was absolutely terrific. My SD is officially so now and things were not awkward. I think we had less time than he had hoped but he has told me he wants to meet again next week as well, so I am excited. I don’t think he’s going to “poof”, he is just very busy with work and we are trying to see when his job brings him down closer to my way instead. Only weird thing was he gave me a check…it came down to trusting my instincts, and my gut instinct said it was good (drawn on his personal company), and it was. I decided rather than object to just roll the dice on it rather than appear ungrateful as there was a little extra included.

    We clicked really well, more of a comfortable friendship as well as some fun time and I think he needs a friend and confidante as much as a playmate. He was a total gentleman and I never once felt awkward or taken advantage of, it was a lot of fun. I talked him into going to Georgetown Cupcake and they had just finished taping for TV! It was sooo cool to see the tv crew and I explained to him about the show. he’s so busy he doesn’t have much time to think about neat things to do together so I think that will be something I can do for him, suggest fun & unique ways to spend time that he will enjoy & look forward to (not just shopping).

    I put enough in the bank today to fix my truck from the accident and a little towards next semester’s tuition, so I’m grateful. One nice thing he told me…he has dated younger (20’s) students but the last SB just blew her money on Louboutins and designer clothes and it wound up being a total turnoff to him to see her spend his $ that way. So actually the fact the best handbag I own is a Dooney & Bourke was a plus, he said he feels great about the fact I’m using my allowance to better my life in non-frivolous ways. I was initially ashamed I don’t have high-ticket clothing (I wore a Tahari dress, newly tailored & very chic, with black stillettos) but now I feel ok about it.

    Anyway, it was a success and I’m looking forward to spending time with him again, he really is a sweet person and I think he felt comfortable and supported by me, which is my goal after all, to make him happy. So hopefully a good journey begins!

  160. Dandelion Wine says:

    Ah, missed it: AU-tumn / ex-TRA

    I don’t really get the confusion –> resolution feel, may be just me.

  161. Stormcat says:

    Sunny – It goes straight to the heart of the topic that was being discussed by others earlier about subterfuge in profiles. (I believe it began when someone suggested that a married SB would do better if she indicated herself as being single in her profile.) Even if the exageration embellishment bravado pretence etc. never becomes exposed it will still thin the relationship and undermine the potential trust in a multitude of subtle ways. On the other hand, it is easy to understand the behavior. It is taught to us from a very young age. Just take a course in resume writing and you’ll see what I mean.

  162. Stormcat says:

    Dandelion – not even the last verse has consistent rhythm. I eliminated a number of words on this edit and broke the consistancy of the rhythym, moreso in the initial stanza less so in the last. It is less comfortable to read but gives a stronger feeling of confusion leading to resolution.

  163. Dandelion Wine says:

    Stormcat, I’ll comment on basics: only the last verse has consistent rhythm.

  164. Sunny SB says:

    @ Stormcat: Thank You for the kind words.. I am humbled by the fact that you got what I was saying! Yes being accepted at face value is actually something that is important but it only takes one over inflated statement to crush trust and faith in each other, even in the sugar world. Sugar arrangements to be good actually require faith in each other, that both sides will deliver on what they say and when that faith and trust is broke things go sour quickly. I feel so blessed to realize how important certain qualities are to be in any kind of relationship albeit friendship, sugar relationship or real life relationships. Applying this made me comfortable and more receptive when I was searching for a Pot.. but honestly I think the sugar bowl has changed to some degree and is being redefined by online technology as well as introducing new styles of sugar dating that are widely being accepted by many as sugar arrangements for example P4P style.

    Your poem is deep.. it reminds me of the saying.. and when it was good it was very very good and when it was bad it was horrid! lol.. in the sugar world there is inevitably an end.. yet it does not always have to be cold shades that it mutes too :), but while it is sweet the nectar is very sweet for all.

  165. Stormcat says:

    BTW alleycat – Thank you.

  166. Stormcat says:

    Alleycat – Yes it is aha! And somewhat ironic. I was overthinking. I believed what you were saying about being detached but I got hung up on how to communicate that detachment without appearing jaded or desperate or worse not actually detaching but pretending to detach (which I was sure wouldn’t result in anything good.) The very act of acquiescing to the futality of my desires, (i.e. giving up) was, in actuality, the detachment I was seeking. My only regret is that it’s felt rather more like an act of cowardess than an act of strength. Go figure!

  167. @Stormy – aha!!

    So you detached from the outcome, and relaxed and enjoyed the moment. No more pressure, and she totally responded. Isn’t it amazing how it happens?

    The next challenge, grasshopper, is to REMAIN detached from the outcome. Now that she is responding positively, talking about ‘we’ and ‘us’, the temptation is to jump back into old habits and let the dream of the two of you together push you along. Danger, Will Robinson, danger!!! If you do this, you will totally destroy it and you will be back where you came from.

  168. Stormcat says:

    @ Sunny – That is really beautiful! It is really true that often both SDs and SBs overstate their worth. I guess it is hard to believe that we are acceptable at face value. The Irony is that we are easilly acceptable at face value but are not acceptable the minute we overstate it because we overstated it.

  169. Stormcat says:

    @alleycat – Well I didn’t do or say anything. Must be that I’m much too cowardly for that! All I did was change me. My additude. I just realized my relationship for what it is and allowed myself to accept myself, as is where is, and simply be in and enjoy the moment. Wow! I mean WOW!!! The change in her was amazing! I’m trying to catch my breath! Always in the past plans or thoughts were singular, in terms of her or I, suddenly, she is saying everything in plural; “When we . . . ” “I can see us . . .” and “Lets . . ., or Lets not . . .”! Maybe those “feelings” are not so one sided after all.
    @Guru – No comment, by you or anyone, on the verse I wrote in your honer? I know it was dark, but I didn’t think it would flounder in obscurity. Perhaps I should have entiteled it “The Romantic SD Bane” but then it would have been too obvious that I was eating hat! Well here it is again, subtlely revised, your critique is requested. (And critique by everyone else is also encouraged and desired.) (You too Stephan!)

    The SD Bane (Alt. The Bane of a Romantic SD)
    by Stormcat

    They cultivate a lifestyle
    Harvest sweet surrender
    Mining the nectar flower to
    Precious golden honey render

    Silent hopeful beasts afield
    Scavenge below the offered price
    Opportunists in the shadows
    Ranged beyond destructive vice

    Autumn colors never fade
    They simply float away
    Extracted from the treetops
    Replaced with cold and grey

  170. Sunny SB says:

    @ SD Guru: Very well translated..lol.. so do you know understand the value of my list?

    @all sugar family: I have approached my search for genuine SD’s as I do my school work.. I research the heck out of them. I took the very wise advice of SD’s and SB’s and as so many of you know before I did that I had found practically every fake on the internet or so it seemed and it was financially costly to me. I met my first SD by chance in a real life situation and that arrangement showed me how sweet a good sugar arrangement is for both. The excitement made me tingle every time I went to see him, and there really is something magical and rare about a good arrangement when you connect on many levels. When drama is left out as was in mine, it took on a strange movie quality to it where you are actually just swept up in the passion of being together and many of you know that this animal style instinct of passion is so ultimately sweet in itself and needs no extra sugar coating. Spoiling and Pampering was a two way street and we met it equally and when you feel like a princess you respond and rise to every occasion with anticipation. Not all arrangements are like that but he had character, and he was quality.

    I made my list to guide me to search for some of those high quality character traits and mannerism’s that I had seen in my previous SD’s that contributed to my trusting them and respecting them. Nothing in the sugar world is fool proof but at the end of the day when we focus on the real in the person it does eliminate a bit of the fakes out there. In my new search I quickly found a SD on this site and though the money is not what I was searching for the quality was.. and I accepted that arrangement. I can say I do not regret this decision at all at this point. At the end of the day I would rather share my sweets with someone I have chemistry, a connection and look up to.. then waste my time on someone who will not deliver his overstated allowance. 😉

  171. Hey BiBaby – how did the date go yesterday?

  172. SouthernGent2 says:

    ChicagoSB – if you like the guy, and he does what he says, then you should keep him around. Its two nights a month for you, which is a small investment in your time. Finding a guy that keeps his promises is hard to do, and they need to be held on to.

    As for the new guy, I am always skeptical when someone says he is going to give that much. More power to you if he does. But he is also a more risky candidate for poof………..

  173. The Lone Gunman says:

    Goooood Mooooorning Sugar Blog!!!

    Fabulous Friday starts right now, and we’ll see if all those decision points we reached this week will bear sweet goodness this weekend.

    Welcome back, Emma! Care to share your original name here so folks that knew you when can know you now?

    Lily–unhide the blog and link to it. As I recall, some live vicariously through you.

    As for me, I’m posting here while doing the famous Dance of the Damned Unanswered Email–traditionally done to The Castaways Liar Liar–when dealing with Poof Babies.

    For a good visual, go to youtube(dot)com/watch?v=oAKRFZQIkeA by making the appropriate edits.


  174. Lily says:

    Welcome back, Emma! Was I around last time (or my initial nick: “Taylor”?)? I’m a few weeks away from hitting my 1 year anniversary of posting on this blog. Scorned by several, enjoyed by more, I’m almost as seasoned & established around here (duration-wise) as NYC sb! 🙂

    I’m wondering if I should un-hide my blog & start writing again……hmmmm

  175. Emma says:

    Hello sugarland! Former SB returning to sugarlife after a year long hiatus. I’ve even changed my name because I’m a very different person compared to last year. Long story short, I left sugarland for a relationship that didn’t work out so well. I’m excited to get back into relationships with more stable men and where everyone’s agenda is out there.

    In regards to the blog, I’m glad to be able to recognize some names but sad to see that most of my sugar family that I had known have left the blog.

    Decision points…
    What’s a great story that I have about sugar dating? Well, I’ve only had one short sugar relationship, but he treated me with respect. It wasn’t necessarily the best chemistry, but we both kept our promises to each other until we both saw it wasn’t working anymore. While this isn’t the most exciting success story, I just wanted to point out that I think it’s a success if you find pot SDs who treat you with respect right off the bat.

    I read through all of the comments and can’t remember half the things I wanted to comment back on! I guess I’ll just take my time getting back into the swing of the blog. I can’t wait to get to know my new sugar fam!

  176. ChicagoSB says:

    I have read the Blogs on here and I have really learned alot. I am currently in a SD/SB relationship with a very nice and considerate SD. He is not supe rich, however he is generous for his income. We go to nice restaurants, and he loves to take me shopping. He does provide a small allowance of $500 every time we meet. Sure it is not alot, but he always does exactly what he says. Since we only see each other twice a month, I am starting a new arrangement with a very wealthy man. Since he does alot of buisness in other countrys he wants me to see him 3 times a month. He has agreed on a allowance of 5,000 a month cash, and a credit card with a 10,000 limit. Also he said he will give me extra money to straighten out my bad credit. So far he has held up the cash end of the bargain and we are waiting for credit card to come in mail. we have only seen each other 3 times. For christmas we are suppost to go looking for a car for me and spend new years in the cayman Islands.
    I really like my SD that is less wealthy, because he is so nice to me. Any SB’s out there, have you juggled more than one SD. Would you recommend it? Any personal storys?

  177. The Lone Gunman says:


    Maybe I need to head over to KiwiLand next month whilst in Oz.

    You could introduce me to the gang. Wellington, right?


  178. aspiring_doc says:

    The lonegunman

    not all of us are unfocused
    having said that: i have amazing friends who have done a couple degrees to figure out what they want- and thats okay :). 20’s is a good time to figure urself out. Id like a car 😛 a nice one that is

  179. The Lone Gunman says:

    Jeebus, what IS it with some of the SBs in their 20s and the need to have someone buy them a car?

    Common theme seems to be that they are also unfocussed and have no life goal as well.


  180. Green Eyed Sugar Lady says:

    @ Emmanuelle I also think you’re the one that’s being used, and these men are using the line that they’ve been used by escorts as an excuse not to come through for you.

    The allowance negotiations/discussions are not the most comfortable topics to begin with, on either side, but I think it behooves *both* sides to be gracious and to not make it more uncomfortable/awkward than it needs to be. I fear some men take advantage of this… knowing it’s uncomfortable, so maybe she just won’t bring it up.

    The flip side to this is if you are bold and assertive enough to bring it up (because he won’t), you run the risk of being told (or having it implied) that you are “acting like an escort.” (I’m using the royal you, and speaking from my own experience here.) Actually, what last happened to me was I was also called a “scammer.” This was offensive because I am none of the above…. but neither am I willing to be used, and am not afraid to speak up for myself if the situation demands it. (And I fully believe if a man is being a gentleman it won’t come to that, but some men *might* just be naive and I have tried to give the benefit of the doubt.)

    The reason I will ask is because one time about 6-7 years ago I was intimate with a “SD” without making sure the allowance piece was in place- and I will never, ever let that happen again…. I’d rather be called a bad name than lose my dignity. I’ve read about the same thing happening to some SB’s who have posted on the blog, because we are socialized to be nice, and ladylike, and unfortunately that can be used against us sometimes.

    A real SD won’t put you through all of that, it can be awkward for all, but in this arena he should take the lead to get that out of the way in a timely and gracious manner so the lady is not put in a position where she has to ask… that sets a negative tone for everyone concerned.

    @ A-Doc “He used to refer to it as compensating me for the fact he was married and asking me for a nsa attached relationship with intimacy.” Yes, and my current SD also says it’s compensating me for time I may have otherwise spent working.

  181. NC Gent says:

    Welcome to the blog NC sugar babies! Hopefully you will find a great SD in your search. I think the sugar pickings are somewhat lean on both sides of the sugar table in NC. All of my successful sugar relationships have been with SBs out of the state. You might want to consider travel if it is a viable option!

  182. aspiring_doc says:

    @ emanuelle: RUN!!!!!!!!! they are the ones using you. Lets be honest- there is an element of transaction involved. Your a beautiful young woman and they are using you for your time, resources and emotional energy without compensating? My first sugar daddy and I had great chemistry and trust but the financial aspect was still acknowledged. He used to refer to it as compensating me for the fact he was married and asking me for a nsa attached relationship with intimacy. He felt his duty to provide for me

  183. Dandelion Wine says:

    Emmanuelle, what do you mean they’ve been “used” by escorts? (or rather, what do THEY mean by that?)

    And what do you mean you’ve been in an arrangement for 2 months without him ever helping you? That’s not an arrangement, and it’s not even a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, since a caring boyfriend would always help his girlfriend if she is having trouble.

    If you want a regular relationship, that’s fine, but keep in mind that just because it’s a regular relationship doesn’t mean your partner shouldn’t reciprocate.

    If someone takes your time and uses your emotional resources without providing the same in return and without compensating in any other form, that is not a healthy relationship.

  184. EvaSB says:

    @BiBaby, thanks for sharing your experience. Valuable advice there!
    I have emailed quite a handful of men , but dont get replies even though I can see they read my mail. I think it could be because I am in the UK, most men on here seem to be from the USA.
    Any one from the UK, got experience to share?

  185. NYC SB says:

    Emmanuelle – how are these arrangements MUTUALLY beneficial?

    Hint: they are not

  186. Sunny SB says:

    @ Emmanuelle: Did you discuss with these SD’s an arrangement up front.. in regards to money? When it would be given and how? I realize you are just learning and that is a hard lesson to learn but it is so important that they follow through with their end of the arrangement. If I do not receive that envelope in advance I do not waste my time even if the connection and chemistry is strong.

    If you are still meeting with them you need to have a discussion no matter how difficult it is for you, let them know you have fulfilled your end of the arrangement and expect them to fulfill theirs. It needs to be done with tact otherwise you need to look at it as lesson learned and keep searching and make sure that you discuss the finance side of the arrangement in detail before entering another arrangement. I am sorry you have went through this.. and there are some really good SD’s out there and sometimes what they are willing to give may not be what we seek but if you run across one who is genuine and follows through with what he says it is definitely worth the consideration.

    I have been in your situation and made some wrong choices and then I learned from it but it hurts when you are deceived which is why as sugar babes we need to find a way to be comfortable with discussing financial arrangements in details. A genuine SD from my experience will always get the envelope out of the way right at the start to show good faith and also know the sugar is so much sweeter when negotiations are out of the way.

    • SD Guru says:

      In Sunny SB’s blog she has a long list of qualities she looks for in a SD. And after seeing several newbie questions in this blog, that got me thinking… how does a SB know she’s dealing with a genuine SD? Does it have anything to do with how great he looks, how expensive his taste is, or what he is offering in an arrangement?? So I thought I’ll borrow Sunny SB’s list and translate that into:

      “You know he’s a genuine SD if…”

      – If he presents and handles himself as what you’d expect from a gentleman.

      – If you feel comfortable and at ease when interacting with him.

      – If he takes an interest in getting to know you as a person.

      – If he takes the time to explain what he is looking for in a sugar relationship.

      – If he takes the initiative to ask you about your expectations.

      – If the allowance discussion doesn’t feel awkward or weird.

      – If there is no ambiguity about how the financial aspect will be handled.

      – If he backs up his words with actions.

      That’s all I can think of for now. Anyone else want to add to the list? When you’re dealing with a genuine SD it should be a pleasant experience even though it may not result in an arrangement. I suspect some of the stories we’ve seen from newbies are the result of dealing with SD’s who are less than genuine.

  187. Nico says:

    OOoooooh NYC….been tempted to get the lash extension too. So seductive and simple 🙂 Have a fabulous weekend!!!!

  188. Dandelion Wine says:

    BiBaby, you can get custom trays made for about $200-300 and then just buy the dentist grade bleach – 7%-9% hydrogen peroxide, or 20% – 22% carbamide peroxide, which costs about $35-50 per pack (2-3 syringes) and a pack is usually enough for the whole course of bleaching (what you would get at zoom or britesmile).
    If you plan to stick with bleaching, that’s a lot more cost-effective than zoom or britesmile and in my opinion store-bought bleaching strips too (amount of bleaching vs. Price)

    Plus you can use the trays to apply desensitizing gel as well

  189. emmanuelle says:

    I’ve been in two arrangements for a couple of months, and I’m having

    problem with being direct to sugardaddies. They say that they want

    someone to be straight to the point and who knows what they want, but It

    really isn’t true. The guys I talk to have been used by escorts, and feel

    like I if a sugarbaby ask for any money she automatically wants to play

    them. Which is not me; I’ve been in this arrangement for a couple of

    months now, AND i AM having so many financial problems, I feel so

    down. If I came on this website, it’s because I need money. Why do SD’s

    get suspicious about a SB who ask for money so, even after a couple of

    months?? I feel like I am wasting my time, and also feel like every other

    SD are exactly like this!

    • SD Guru says:

      I feel like I am wasting my time, and also feel like every other SD are exactly like this!

      Don’t let the so called SD’s you met waste your time with their excuses. The real SD’s are out there as illustrated by some of the success stories in this blog. Take the time to screen and weed out the fakes and flakes and you’ll have a much better experience.

      I am not sure if my story is typical or perhaps a bit longer because of being married myself… BUT if it’s typical, I would say it would take 3-4 months to find a really good situation and that’s being open minded on marital status, age and looks.

      Thanks for sharing your sugar journey with the blog. Your story is typical in the sense that you’ve experienced the ups and downs and learned a few lessons along the way. It’s been a pleasure to see how you’ve evolved from a newbie to a SB on the cusp of success. Some newbies may get lucky and have the perfect SD fall into their lap without much effort. But for everyone else, your experience is a great example of how patience and perseverance will eventually pay off. Have fun with your sugar date!!

  190. Sunny SB says:

    @ bibaby: Wow.. you are going all out.. I am like that too as it gives me such a confidence booster when I look my best. Hope you have a wonderful time and he turns out to be exactly what you hoped for. Lately so many of us have had so many downs.. it will be nice to hear a good experience so make sure you share the details..;).

    @ Lily: sounds like you are going to have an incredible time.. and oh the pampering to look your best.. wow now I am thinking what I can do today for myself.. maybe we should have a pamper a sugar day on the blog to focus on doing something special for ourselves..;) or a big sugar sisters meet next year in Las Vegas where almost every hotel has spa treatments and such. 😉

  191. Sunny SB says:

    Good Afternoon all! Welcome to all the new SB’s .

    NewSB ask “are there any signs that I should be looking for, to make sure that a SD is for real? ”

    On the home page of Seeking Arrangement there are topics on the right side you can click on to help you. I highly advise all new babes to read these. First and foremost you must think about your safety in the sugar world! Take the time through email or SA messages to ask critical question and find out what his real name is. Google his name and see if what he has told you matches up with what he has shared with you. Many of the SB’s on this site have personal sugar blogs ..that if their name is in blue you can click on it which links to their blog..lots of good information out there for spotting fakes..security..and when to discuss an arrangement. Remember to take your time and do not get desperate, when you talk about an arrangement and the benefits you are seeking make sure you discuss how often you will meet, where you will meet, what are his expectations as well as your expectations for the arrangement. Make sure you know how the financial end will be delivered to you and take the time to let someone know you are meeting someone you do not know initially until trust is developed. Trust your gut instinct at all times, if you feel something is wrong or that it is too good to be true.. you are probably right.

    NC Heels: Welcome back.. there will always be poof daddies and fakes out there.. screening process is essential during the search. Take the time to ask the hard questions before a first meet to develop some sense of who this person is. You also may want to expand your search within a reasonable mile range and state in your profile you are willing to travel. I had to do this to find better quality in my search of pot SD’s.. but persistence really pays off.

    Most of the SB’s on this forum will all say that careful screening to weed out the fakes takes time, we each sort of learn as we go on, I have learned that those who after one or two messages who make comments like I miss you.. or those who do not answer the questions I ask but instead type half replies I now put in my Next category. I also have learned that when they are promising you the moon after a couple message exchanges and have not met you or even talked on the phone are just phonies and I do not waste my time with more communication. Also look for clues in their photographs.. to see what you can learn about them.. I am often Leary of a man with a timex watch that is promising a 5k allowance. Often we have to change our profiles a few times to attract the real SD’s and it is all a learning process. Good luck in your search.

  192. Lily says:

    I don’t feel ignored!

    NYC SB – I’m getting eyelash extensions the day before we meet! Hair salon & skin spa for a microderm facial just before I meet you gals also. Love beauty treatments!

  193. NYC SB says:

    Bi baby – you went all out for this date! Do not go broke in the process please … We all know that “maintenance” can become expensive

  194. BiBaby says:

    I want a sugar wife!! *LOL* Wish I could afford one. 🙂

    Off to make the 2hr trip for my sugar date, very excited!!! I may be staying in school next semester too and that is a very wonderful prospect for me. Now if I can just save up for an iPad….

    Lils, I’m not ignorning you, just been waaaay busy getting ready for my date with new SD. Did hair, cut & color, gel nails, waxing, new dress with alterations and some at home whitening to get ready. If all goes well I hope to also be able to afford Restalayne and maybe some real laser whitening. Got to invest in “betterments” here after all. 😉

    Off to the races…

  195. NYC SB says:

    I am getting beautified this weekend … Eyelash extensions … Then hot date with my sugar wife over super expensive sushi :p

    Then next week I see lily 🙂

  196. Lily says:

    This sugar is sugarfree this weekend! 🙂

    Next week, however, I’m gonna bathe in sugary sisterhood! Muse, NYC SB, MindyNYC, &, for the first time meeting IRL,- carebear!! I love racking up sugar friends in the NYC area for periodic girls’ nite out!

  197. The Lone Gunman says:

    Goooooooood Mooooooooorning SUUUgar Bloooog!

    It’s Thundering Thursday, where we all hit some Decision Points regarding how our sugar life slides into the upcoming weekend: Speedo or Mankini? Formal dinner or Asian take-away? Teddy or LBs–or both?

    What’s shaping up for YOUR weekend?


  198. NewSB says:

    Hi all,

    I’m new here, as well as to the world of SD relationships, so I have some questions.

    The biggest one being when the subject of money should come up and how it should be done. Before the first meeting? Once it’s obvious that there’s chemistry? When he brings it up?

    Also, are there any signs that I should be looking for, to make sure that a SD is for real? I’ve e-mailed a few that seem off, for whatever reason.

    I’m really looking forward to seeing how this will all turn out and I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot, before it all gets going.

  199. Hi NC Heels!!! I’m so excited because I thought I was the only one here from NC. 😉

    Yes, the pickings in our area are slim. I’ve only had one SD from this site but he was from VA and traveled to NC frequently for business. Just continue to use your better judgment like you’ve been doing and the right SD will come along.

    Good luck to you!

  200. NC Heels says:

    Hello All,

    I have been a lurker on the blog for quite some time. I find all of your thoughtful stories, inquiries, and responses very intriguing. I live in NC and find that while there are profiles in the area, the selection is difficult at best. I have given up the search in the past, but for some reason, I keep coming back to it…I don’t know if it will ever work out… there is something about thinking about it and fantasizing that does something for me, but I’d love to get the real deal going here. Here is my frustrating story to add to the mix.

    Around 2007, I was in my early 20s and decided I wanted to be in an arrangement. I made an SA profile and went for it, but it did not go well for me. I was very disappointed by what you all call a “poof daddy.” After contacting me on here, we met probably 4-5 times for coffee dates and dinners. Unfortunately, I made a crucial mistake with him. I found that over the month or so we spoke and went out, I was becoming more and more attracted to him. At this point, I began to get emotionally invested in my desired outcome. I also had trouble bringing up the allowance topic, when that was exactly why I wanted to enter an arrangement. He must’ve sensed this, because I received a dreaded breakup email one morning…he claimed he was trying to get things back to normal with his wife! (yeah right!) Very disappointing because the intellectual and physical attraction was perfect for me. Around this person, there were a number of other contacts but most were sleazy (talking about sex almost immediately) or wanted an escort situation.

    After giving up the search for a few years, I randomly responded to a craigslist ad for a mutually beneficial relationship. I met the guy and although I wasn’t immensely attracted to him, I liked his personality and I thought he could grow on me. We had a few dates and I even got to the point of the “funding” conversation and I felt I nailed it. The arrangement almost began when I had the sense to look up his information using a personal gift he had given me. He had not given me his full name at that point. I found his name, and when I googled him, he came up on the sex offender registry! I was shocked because this man was very intellectual and seemed kind, not at all sleazy. I found a way to back out but yet another disappointment.

    I want an arrangement in order to secure a better financial future for myself. I want to pay off credit cards and start saving, which I can’t do at my dead-end job. I don’t want money to buy designer purses and shoes or anything like that. I find it incredibly sexy when a man provides for a woman. I realize I’m on the disadvantaged end when it comes to supply and demand, but I wonder can I do this again? What should I do differently?

    Thanks for reading my post!

  201. @Tough Love – Great examples on how to bring up the financial issues.

    @Bibaby – Thanks for sharing your personal timeline. I have always been nervous about sending emails to SD’s but I think it’s time I take charge.

    Thanks to all you guys for giving such valuable advice.

  202. BiBaby says:


    forgot my other main point, forgive me for having to put up 2 posts (I think ToughLove tends to distract me, drat that man! 😉 )

    My experience:
    1.) 30 days researching my profile, joining SA, talking to bloggers & really thinking about what I had to offer & what I was seeking in the Sugarbowl

    2.) I received over 30 emails in my 1st week of having a new profile. Of those, about 10 were well-written enough to warrant a reply, i.e. not crass or overly suggestive or just “Hi baby” without any obvious reading of my profile. I replied to all 10

    3.) It took 5 weeks before a meet actually took place with 2 of these gentlemen. The 1st one was a near rape and a horrible experience due to bad judgement on my part and greed to get a promised gift (that did not exist). The 2nd one was briefly a gift daddy but in seeing him I realized I needed an allowance for tuition and this caused us to be on different pages numbers-wise. We are still friends actually to this day.

    4.) I renewed my search again after this, updating my profile and adding 3 new photos. Another 4 weeks resulted in 7 gentlemen emailing me and 2 more meets scheduled. of those 2 one disappeared and never showed up, never to be heard from again until a month later (His wife found out, so he deleted everything and is out of the bowl. I was worried he might be dead but he called me one day and said he was alive and wished me well).
    The other meet offered an arrangement but then changed his mind when I insisted on safe sex or STD testing with negative results before I would consider intimacy.

    5.) another posting of profile & revision, and I increased my allowance range to what I truly needed if I were to consider one SD at a time. Fewer results came about but higher quality/calibre men. Met 2 more, both were not interested but were very polite and quality experiences for all concerned.

    6.) Was then contacted by a new individual who just made a profile and logged in the same moment I did, so I popped to the top of his search list for the area and we emailed. met twice, entered an arrangement for a month or two and ended amicably because he wants a girlfriend and not an SB, so he wants to give a lower allowance but spend more time together in something leading to marriage. This ends and I unhide my profile again.

    7.) I then sat down and went through all the eligible men in my target area who had ranges within or higher than mine, and reading their profiles, chose the best 10 I could see myself in an arrangement with. 6 had no pics and 3 were eliminated once those were shared. of the 7 remaining, 2 didn’t want a married SB, one just entered a very happy arrangement and 2 of the others would not consider safe sex or STD testing first. (What is with all the guys willing to raw dog?? how do you know that your SB is clean?? 1 in 4 have herpes B and DON’T KNOW IT!!!)

    8.) That left 2, I met those 2 and after inquiries from both, selected my current SD after a lunch date and several phone calls.

    Bottom Line: It took me about 5 revisions to my profile, a half dozen new photos, over 50 people emailed, at least 7 or 8 meets in person and 1 failed quasi-arrangement to get to the real thing after 3 months of continuous, active searching.

    Don’t be surprised if your journey takes several months. I am not sure if my story is typical or perhaps a bit longer because of being married myself (married men really will consider a married SB BTW….3/4 of my inquiries were from married guys who thought my situation was a boon to theirs..) BUT if it’s typical, I would say it would take 3-4 months to find a really good situation and that’s being open minded on marital status, age and looks.

    Good luck!!!

  203. BiBaby says:


    Well I started my sugar search sometime in August, after taking most of July to prepare myself physically and mentally, and I am just finally starting to begin a quality arrangement with an SD who is charming, generous, kind and most of all, actually expresses concern about my well-being. For ex I recently had foot surgery to remove a splinter (so no high heels…*sigh*…flats, ugh!) and not only was he fine with me wearing flats to our meets but he even offered to pay for taxi & train for me to come see him and get home again, about a 4hr round trip drive. I’m fine to drive now so I graciously declined but the fact he *thought* about what I might need to come see him & offered it was the tipping point for me to decide this is the right situation to pursue.

    I’ve had other gentlemen offer arrangements, one of whom I took up on but even if you do meet a pot SD that’s willing, trust me, that’s not ALL it will take to make things work. If you don’t feel safe with them, or they’re stingy or otherwise negative in any aspect towards you, it will fall apart eventually. My last one did after awhile but now I’m glad because if it didn’t, I would never have been free to meet the terrific guy I’m seeing now who is literally light years above what I originally thought I’d have to settle for. Looks and allowance are NOT everything, I have learned that.

    Also I would encourage other new SBs to initiate contacts as Lily suggested to me….I had been just waiting to see who emailed ME, but sometimes there’s a law of adverse selection at work when you do that as an SB. This is because the most desirable SD’s (mine is such a one, generous allowance, kind and loving spirit, in good shape & married) have so many SB’s pursuing THEM that they rarely if ever wind up sending emails to SB’s. I think my SD was the same because he wanted to know that the pot SB is as much into HIM as he is into her and to know that requires her to contact him with interest first. Had I not had the courage to face possible rejection (and I was rejected several times, mostly because I’m married), I would have missed out on a great opportunity and a wonderful person I’d never have met otherwise…

    Ahah! Glad I called you out of retirement! *laughs*. I’ll try your suggestion of by the way…that’s a nice way to bring it up and I truly don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I was reading with horror Sorta’ New’s story about the allowance dispute and I would hate to lose out over a dumb misunderstanding. You’re right though, when a man really wants something, he’ll move Heaven & Earth to get to it and so I probably have nothing to even worry about as I suspect he’ll offer well before I feel that I need to ask.

    I agree with the keeping it away from intimacy issue too, but I would be a liar if I didn’t say peeking at that little envelope doesn’t help with the excitement of being together though! Not in the sense I NEED it to get through it (I got lucky & got someone I truly like & am attracted to), but in the sense it can be quite a rush to put A and B in the same day. Probably similar to when a guy test drives a Porsche and then wants to go have some fun participating in some “other” sports…shoes and sugar and sex just seem to go hand in hand I think 😉

  204. v. badbunny says:

    had to come out of lurk to lol @ “budgie smugglers”


  205. EvaSB says:

    Hi all new to SD/SB arrangement. Have read all your wonder posts and advice. Still waiting for a pot SD and just wondering who else has had astruggle finding one.

  206. Sunny SB says:

    @ The Lone Gunman:
    I just logged back into SA and on the featured profiles I see a pic of a man hugging his mattress in his mankini’s with his butt cheeks showing..LMAO.. first thing I thought was oh no TLG forgot to tuck in his sharp shooter… lol.. it is funny after joking around with you and then this pops up .. realize its not you but found it hysterical how coincidences can make a person curious.. profile 514284.. guess somebody beat you to your own idea..lol 😉

  207. Sunny SB says:

    Welcome Newbie:

    It often helps when you look at a profile that you find some common interest and comment on that.. sometimes it also has to do with our own profiles.. and what it projects to a pot SD.. are you clear in your intentions.. have you spelled out what you are looking for? Have you listed some of your interest to help them determine if you have common interest? Do you have a clear head shot in your photos that you have uploaded? Half the battle is perfecting your profile but sometimes we contact SD’s that are presently happy with their SB as they do not hide their profile while in an arrangement so you will not hear back from everyone. I know how frustrating it can be.. but hang in there and do not give up and before you know it you will start getting responses.. you might want to tweak your profile a little bit and see what happens. Good Luck to You.

  208. Michael Alleycat says:

    Speedos? In Australia we call them “budgie smugglers.”

    (budgie = budgerigar)

  209. newbie says:

    hi everyone i naeed help plz..i have been on this site for a long time now still i haven’t had not one SD..i don’t know what I’m doing wrong cuz when i send a message that i’m interested i don’t get a reply..so somebody help plz. i have not done this before and i don’t know what to do.

  210. Sunny SB says:

    @tlg LMAO.. you paint such a comical picture reminds me of a commercial being filmed.. cut to the Lone Gunman standing in front of the mirror in his mankini.. he strikes a manly pose… zoom in on his handsome smile.. music begins “Get your motor running
    head out on the highway”.. TLG strikes another pose leaning against the cool glass of the mirror to give a Pot SB a glimpse of how his backside is just as luscious as his front… ” Looking for adventure in whatever comes our way.” cut.. wardrobe change.. TLG strolls back in his black speedos hugging every inch of manly body..belting out to the music:

    “Yeah darling gonna make it happen”.. camera zooms out.. as the music stages center stage “Take the world in a lovely embrace.” fade to a waist down shot where TLG stands with hands on hips wearing a six shooter holstered in his speedos.. and his cowboy boots. ”
    “Fire all of your guns at once and explode into space.” ROTFLMAO and TLG was Born to BE WILD! lol… Thanks for the visual TLG..;)

    As for Decision Points.. I have decided to just be silly today and enjoy myself.. I have a meet tomorrow so looking it forward to it. Have a sugary coated day all!

  211. The Lone Gunman says:

    Goooood Moooorning Sugar Blog!!!!

    It’s Wild Wednesday, when you’re 38th poster and you are trying on various Mankinis and Speedos in the mirror to determine which one(s) are the most photogenic while loudly singing Born To Be Wild by Steppenwolf.

    Yes, we all reach a Decision Point by Wednesday.

    What things have YOU decided, Sugar-wise?


  212. ToughLove says:

    @SD Guru

    Thanks for the warm welcome back.

  213. ToughLove says:

    Ask and ye shall receive…

    @ BiBaby
    Timing is important, and I’d advise keeping it as far away from intimacy as possible. Make every effort to avoid the “escort” frame. So, no allowance discussion within 1,000 yards of intimacy. Preferably after dinner (SD has had a good meal). By then, he’s also had time to appreciate you as a woman while fantasizing about “dessert” (or get reacquainted if he hasn’t seen you in a while). Then, transition, pace, request.

    1) “By the way, (pause) when we spoke online, you mentioned you were comfortable with x allowance.” (He agrees.) “Is that something we should get out of the way now?” Or “How do you think/propose we should handle that?”
    2) “By the way, (pause) last month/last time we were together, you provided my allowance in an envelope over a game of Scrabble/in a card during dinner.” (He agrees.) “Is that what you were planning to do this time?”

    These examples are to help smoothly initiate the discussion. It’s all said in a very relaxed, very matter-of-fact manner. “By the way” is my favorite, all-purpose transition for bouncing from one topic to another. The “pace” sets the frame for him to agree. You’re just verbalizing his previous words or actions. The “request” is his cue to take care of the allowance. Keep in mind, as men we spend obscene amounts of money on things we truly “want”. And, this is a rather gentle way of introducing the allowance topic. If an SD hesitates or backpedals at this point, there is a possibility he’s not really interested. Either way, at least you know where you stand. Hope this helps…

  214. Sunny SB says:

    @TLG ROTFLMAO… oh you are so priceless! Maybe you need a photo editor to help you choose.. “Waving my hands frantically saying me me I will help” 😉 I just love pics of men looking seductive lol. Recently posted a pic on my blog of me in bikini but covered it up with tank top when I was playing in the surf in Fl. last month..lol.. so glad to hear it is your face that you have chosen to obscure..lol.. thanks for the laughs dear one!

  215. Yaz says:

    Adoc~ Lucky you. I hope I get to visit Asia someday…

  216. Yaz says:

    Lmaoo TLG got me dying over here! 😛

  217. The Lone Gunman says:

    Sunny SB says:

    @ TLG..are you updating pics too?

    Yes. Soon you will be seeing me in my Mankini laying seductively on the beach in bright sunshine, my face tastefully obscured. I’ll follow that up with one in a Speedo for that certain ‘extra exposure’ that will have all the pot SBs screaming and swooning.

    I’m still debating on the three-quarters artistically done dorsal nude glancing seductively over my shoulder.


  218. NYC SB says:

    Alleycat- guess whom else might be in mexico in december 🙂

  219. Michael Alleycat says:

    “all we need now is a nice Kiwi bitch”

    My favorite: “I can feel her wind. She’s blowing you”

    For those who haven’t seen them, they are TV ads for Air New Zealand. You think MasterCard is priceless? See these ads.

  220. Sunny SB says:

    @ Midwest SB: 🙂 Thanks for the compliment.. I am still working on it.. but so glad I took up the 30 day challenge.

    @ Micheal Alleycat: Thank You for sticking up for those of us who are over 30 🙂 and honestly I can say I am much more comfortable with my sexuality in the 30’s then in my 20’s.. much more open and comfortable talking about it pleasing and letting the other person know what to do to please me. 🙂 It is funny but I think those SD’s who are stuck on wanting to only have someone under 21 actually do not know what they are missing!

    @ TLG Tweaking your profile is a good thing.. so it is relevant to who you are..are you updating pics too? I hate it when you see someone pics and then meet them and their pics are like 10 years or older and I can not even recognize them..lol.

  221. aspiring-doc says:

    Michael- i just text you !! i know im waaaay excited. :D. lucky i saved some of that sugar ;). hehe i wasnt even born in 1987 ;).
    But yes- Im a huge SE asia fan- I love it :D.
    Im taking royal brunei as it was was cheapest airline .. but the rico adds are priceless :). Im planning on stopping in bangkok to see friends- not to worried about chaing mai- as ive been there before. and then my friend who lives in thailand is going to train down to singapore with me: stopping in the south of thailand and KL (and more places if you have any suggestions?). then staying in singapore with family and plan to go through cambodia (definetly angorwat!!!) and vietnam- i want to get as far north as the hill tribes 🙂
    feel free to send me any pictures

  222. Michael Alleycat says:

    And don’t forget to go to Chiang Mai, Chiang Rai and Golden Triangle. If you can possibly squeeze it in, go to Burma. Great place!!!! Went there on my first honeymoon in 1987. I got married v v young… 😉

  223. The Lone Gunman says:

    Good topic header regarding ‘Decision Points’ in Sugar.

    Hit one of those this evening, when I realized that my profile was the same one I had up last year. Does anyone want to see last year’s anything?

    SO–tweaked it a bit, and will probably continue to do so for a bit as my Sugar Search continues….

    Blog SBs that know me: what would you recommend that I put in my profile based on your knowledge of my high-calibre self?


  224. Michael Alleycat says:

    and I’m in Arizona looking at freakin’ cactus … but I will be in Mexico in December, Oz in Jan (maybe NZ as well), then NZ in March. Not too bad.

    Seen those Air NZ ads, starring Rico? Lmao!

  225. Michael Alleycat says:

    A-doc – way freakin’ cool!! I lived in Singapore for 2 years, great place. The train from sgp up thru Malaysia then to bkk is v v v cool. You MUST go to Angkor Wat in Cambodia, I will post photos and send you link.

    Never been to Vietnam but all I hear is that it is fantastic!!

    V v excited for you!

  226. aspiring-doc says:

    ps: guess who just booked a ticket to asia in feburary….wooops!!! 1200 return to bangkok :D. $30 for a train down through malysia to singapore, visiting family in singapore and then hiking through vietnam and cambodia :D. EXCITED but broke :P!

  227. aspiring-doc says:

    Hey all

    wow so many posts- i cant keep up!.
    sex and 20 somethings? I dont know i gues it depends on the person. I dont like it with someone Im not comfortable with, but weather that comfort comes on the first sugar date or the second or the third is a diffferent story. My frist sugar realationship it took me 3months to warm up to it, but by then i trusted him, had a good rapport with him, enjoyed his company, felt comfortable etc etc.

    Yes at 20 soemthing, we are stil figuring ourselves out but this is the beauty of your 20’s :D.

  228. stephan says:

    @Michael Alleycat: Yes I do write the blog subjects. Thank you so much for the kind words!

    I think it’s safe to say you’ve coined the indisputable best alternate title for the W. memoirs. Interwebs: welcome “The Deciderator”, in stores now!

  229. Midwest SB says:

    BiBaby – I prefer deposits via Paypal, but have had an agreement that I would receive an envelope at the beginning of every month at my home before we headed out for our time together. It always had a clever card with it and it was a non-event.

  230. BiBaby says:

    This is a good question, on allowances…

    When should a lady ask for the envelope, so to speak? My last one did it over Scrabble, but new SD has not mentioned how/when, but we have agreed on a range I’m happy with.

    Would it be considered rude to inquire after lunch (on an afternoon/dinner meet), or should it be done just before private time perhaps? Of course it may just be offered up front so I am hoping for the opportunity to not ask and to receive graciously before intimacy starts, but to the gentlemen out there, would you be offended by your SB inquiring on this if you had not already offered? If so, how should she word it?

    I imagine knowing these things will take time for me to learn and become more comfortable handling?

    And I can’t believe I was offline while ToughLove was on! I missed the fun!! ;p Hi to you TL, yes, my sugar life has been tumultuous but definitely worth it!

  231. Re-post from previous blog subject…

    @SD Guru – “Personally I think the notion that women need to be over 30 to be at their sexual peak is over rated (ducking for cover!). ”

    I don’t think it is an issue of being over 30 to be at their sexual peak, I think it is an issue of maturity and awareness the role their sexuality plays in their life. I have found – generally – that women over 30 have an open enthusiasm and joy regarding sex, whereas younger women are still trying to figure it all out, and how it all fits together in their life.

    I’m not saying that I haven’t had some wonderful romps with younger women over the years, I have found that older women (more than 25 – 30 years old) just enjoy it more, and are more relaxed about it, hence it is more fun for both parties.

    Just my $0.02.

  232. Sorta new at this says:

    @Midwest SB: That is a very good point. It would explain his reaction more than him just thinking I was out of line. I did say in my last texts to him that I appreciate his kindness and that I have always enjoyed our time together. Hopefully he’ll cool off and come around soon. Unless he’s been greatly exaggerating, I know he’s very into me and he doesn’t seem like the type to just walk away because of one thing. Thanks!

    @NYGent: Thanks for the advice!

  233. @Stephan – do you write the blog subjects?

    Whoever does it, well done, taking current news and linking it to Sugar. This week, W’s book “The Deciderator” (or was it “Decision Points”?), last week the election etc etc. Keeps it all fresh and relevant. We can see the amount of thought that goes into the topics, and the way they are presented. Thank you!

  234. Midwest SB says:

    Hi Nico!

    Sunny – Forgot to say how AHHHHmazing you look!

  235. Midwest SB says:

    Sorta – Welcome! You have received great advice. Perhaps letting him cool off and understanding it was a mistake is a good start. Another is to realize he may be thinking you are only seeing him for the money, so try to focus your next communication to let him know how much you appreciate EVERYTHING he’s done..from dinners to treating you like a lady to allowance. Then suggest that although the allowance is important, it would help you focus on him better if there were a better way to exchange funds. Paypal, the card with chocolates, whatever will put your mind at ease and allow you two to have a great visit. Make sure he always knows you are genuinely interested in him.

    To answer the question:
    I have had wonderful experiences in the sugar world! It would fill an entire blog to share the benefits of meeting amazing SDs and sugar sisters! What makes them successful is patience, screening, knowing what you want and appreciating what can come to you here.

  236. Sorta new at this says:

    @Nico: Yes, it’s definitely a mistake I won’t be making again. Thanks 🙂

  237. Nico says:

    Sorta….welcome and good luck with your situation. Perhaps, to avoid the confusion going forward he could give you the envelope/card/gift instead of being sly and tucking it in your bag. An honest error but one that can be learned from.

    In future arrangements, I would always [emphasis added] make clear the amount and method. This way you’re a bit more in control and the problem that you unfortunately encountered should be a non-issue.

  238. Sorta new at this says:

    @ArcticSD: Thanks, by the way!

  239. Sorta new at this says:

    @ArcticSD: Well, before we started seeing each other, I had asked him about his previous arrangements. He told me that he’d had a per-visit allowance set-up with the other women, but had eventually set up accounts for them once the relationships had been more firmly established.

    I assumed he would do the same for me eventually. A per-meeting allowance isn’t so bad, but it is kind of stressful to wait until the night is over to find out if he’ll remember or not. I do wish he’d give me the allowance at the beginning of dates so I could just forget about it and relax.

    He’s been very kind and generous in every other way. We stay in great hotels, do cool cultural things together, have eaten in good restaurants, etc. So he’s not a cheapskate or anything like that. Things were going well enough that he recently had mentioned planning a trip somewhere with me.

    I think you’re right that I’ve hurt his feelings by bringing up the money thing in what seemed like a rather abrupt way. I’ll take your advice and let him cool off for a few days before I try contacting him again.

  240. NYGent says:

    Sorta: I think he’s overreacted. As arctic says let him cool off for a while and see if he gets back to you. If he doesn’t then it was destined to end anyway, if not over this then something else. So no need to torture yourself.

  241. ARCTIC SD says:

    Sorta – With all my SBs, I always ensure the allowance is given upfront tucked together with a little chocolate gift box as soon as the initial hug is exchanged when the meeting is near the first and fifteen day of the month.

    From the tone of your message, the arrangement was based on an allowance per meet. If so and if this SD cannot think of your sugar from the very start, this just showed his lack of integrity, IMHO.

    I would “next” him but considering you really like him, perhaps let him cool down for a few days as his ego might be a bit bruised. If he is still cold, I would then move on as the mood has changed drastically.

  242. Sorta new at this says:

    Hey: Wondering if anyone can give me some advice about a pickle I’m in.

    I’ve been in an arrangement for a few months, my first one ever. He’s also the only person I’m seeing now. It’s been going pretty well. We have good chemistry, similar tastes, and have had a lot of fun together. We’ve only been on four or five dates so far because he’s a very busy guy.

    We discussed the arrangement once, (over the phone before we met in person), but in somewhat vague terms. No dollar amounts were mentioned, though I did have a range listed in my profile, to which I referred him. So far, the allowance has come at the end of dates in varying amounts. Last time, he had to rush out and forgot to leave anything. This time, I thought the same thing had happened. It turned out that he had left something, but it was hidden in my bag and I didn’t find it until later.

    Believing he had left without giving me allowance for the second time, I composed a text message. It was business-like and to the point, but not rude or angry (at least, I hope it didn’t come across that way). I told him that I felt disappointed and that I had upheld my end of the arrangement, but it seemed he wasn’t fully fulfilling his end. I also said that we should iron this all out before meeting again. I think I might have held off on sending the text until I had a few days to think about it, but my finger slipped and I sent it by accident. Argh.

    Then, of course, I found the allowance in my bag. So I sent an apologetic text, called myself a jerk, and tried to play the whole thing off. Unfortunately, he was very offended and seems to want to end things.

    I’m kind of confused. Besides the chemistry I mentioned, I’ve been very well-behaved, accommodating, not demanding, and a good date. He seems to really like me. And, not to toot my own horn, but I think I’m a little unusual for this site in terms of my education level and background. I don’t understand how he can be so willing to give up on me so quickly.

    I sent a few texts begging for forgiveness after I received his. I don’t know what else to do. Is this FUBAR? Salvageable? What should I do?

  243. ARCTIC SD says:

    “your” great story.

  244. ARCTIC SD says:

    Bibaby – Good luck. Await you great story.

  245. BiBaby says:


    and yes, success story in the works, date on Thursday….yippee! 🙂

  246. Michael Alleycat says:


  247. ARCTIC SD says: