7 years ago
Messaging Blunders: Sugar Daddy Edition
  • Posted Sep 25, 2013


Thanks to all our members who shared their opinions of Sugar Baby messaging blunders. The comment section was alive with useful advice and anecdotes, and I’d like to share one of our contributions from an SD Guru. Ultimately, we all message with one goal: to get a date. For those of you who have yet to experience an arrangement, he sums up the first step quite well:

My advice is “don’t let it happen to you”. Specifically, don’t put yourself in a situation where you can be taken advantage of (this applies to both SD and SB’s). For example, why meet at the lounge of a posh hotel for a first meet? A simple meet and greet at a café would have answered 3 important questions:

  1. Will she show up as planned?
  2. Will she be as advertised in her profile? (in your case she wasn’t), and
  3. Is there compatibility and chemistry to proceed further? If things don’t go well then you could end the meeting with not much time and money invested. If things go well then you could easily continue the meeting at the posh hotel lounge and take it from there.


I now ask you, Sugar Babies, to share your “red flags” used to filter out the promising Sugar Daddies from the rabble . Personally, I believe that there exist three golden rules for messaging Sugar Babies. If Sugar Daddies follow these guidelines, then their messaging should never turn sour:

  1. Charm, Don’t Bargain: While it is obvious that Sugar Daddies should be courteous throughout their messaging, there still exists some less mindful users who cut directly to the chase. If you tell a complete stranger, man or woman, that you will give them money to do your bidding, they will react negatively. It disrespectful, degrading, and depending on the situation, illegal. Arrangements are created through mutual agreements upon meeting, not spam messages that “throw” money at strangers.
  2. Aspire To, Don’t Expect: Just because you are the benefactor, does not mean your Sugar Baby suddenly owes you. Holding the monthly allowance over his/her head and creating unrealistic expectations is a recipe for disaster. For the best results, go over what you both expect and reach a consensus before the onset of your arrangement, not after.
  3. Look Up, Don’t Look Down: Speak to your Sugar Baby as if he/she is your equal. In fact, the more highly you regard your Sugar Baby, the more likely the arrangement will flourish. Wealth is a very respectable quality, but wealth alone should never define a person. 

What types of messages (words, phrases, etc.) make you hesitant when choosing a Sugar Daddy?

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129 Responses to “Messaging Blunders: Sugar Daddy Edition”

  1. BSD says:

    I join SA last year (only for 2 weeks), i have dated a few SD i met offline in the past. Having activated my SA account back yesterday and spent a lot of hours reading SD profiles. I don’t think there is any hope finding a SD in England maybe in US or Canada.

    I think the SD should initiate the conversation and both party should be open and set expectations right.

    However, i disagree with people who say if the SD wants intimacy they have to ask. Is there a way you can discuss this with a stranger and not feel like a prostitute? I think its equally difficult for them too esp the respectable SD’s.

    Hope we all find what/who we are looking for! xx

  2. Scarlett says:

    I’m really new to this site and to the idea of being a sugar baby, I have never had a SD relationship. I am a little concerned as to how some of this works…

    I live in a small city and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of SD’s here, so for me to have a relationship it would have to be long distant. How many SD’s are actually okay with travelling to see their SB on a regular basis?
    Is it okay for a SB to feel timid about travelling to see their SD’s and how do they take it when you tell them that?

  3. John Neal says:

    And, by the way, I was single at the time. No longer a member because I ended up with a great girl I met a different way.

  4. John Neal says:

    How about this incredible blunder…I met one really interesting woman on SeekingArramgement and had a really nice date with her. Next thing I knew I had a passionate email from her…directed to the guy she was on her way to visit in Florida. Needless to say, we were done. Be detail oriented ladies. Keep your men sorted out.

  5. Max says:

    I just wanted to say hi and thank you for this informative blog site. Learning lots here!

  6. Chloe says:

    Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. If any of you could read my profile and give me some pointers cause it is a bit long, that would be awesome I would greatly appreciate it!


  7. sweetie says:

    flyr “There are very few people in this country who if they delay having children until they are married, late 20s and are willing to work 15 hours a day that will not be successful, even at menial jobs.”

    What does it mean to be successful at a menial job? Paradox to me. There are plenty examples of that not being true. How about career waitressing, retail jobs in general, restaurant, cleaning, babysitting, cashier, customer service, office etc. One does not move up from these jobs. They’re more like a trap.

  8. SugarySpicey says:

    On to the next, bloggies. Liking that we’ve turned up the dialogue a little.

  9. DorkyGuy says:

    @flyr~ that is a controversial stance! I agree with you though.

    Despite what we hear in the news, the class system in the USA is surprisingly fluid, especially compared to other countries. Practically anyone with a solid long-term plan, sweat, and determination, can make it into the 1%. It comes down to making good decisions early on. I grew up in the trailer park “doomed to poverty” crowd… and virtually all of the people I grew up with made decisions that ensured that they stayed there. I planned for my future and made sacrifices, while they partied. Now, 20 years later, we all pretty much have what we planned for…except they think somehow society has screwed them over, and somehow my success was due to luck, and I owe them something.

    @Richard~ I think the country absolutely needs a safety net for instances where it is really needed. People with learning/physical disabilities spring to mind. I also think that single parents where the other parent has bailed could use a hand. However, I think that if you want welfare, you should have to pass a drug test, quit smoking, cancel your cable-vision, sell your big-screen TV, and show that you have put a portion of the welfare check into a college fund for your kid. I would be definitely open to a welfare system that requires you to be enrolled in continuing education to receive benefits. It would be more expensive, but would do more to actually solve poverty.

  10. onyx_percula says:

    @ ax753753 — Thank for your answer. I am in the same camp as you. I figured this topic would be hot, too hot to handle or too hot to stop, looks like you have the guts!

  11. flyr says:

    There are very few people in this country who if they delay having children until they are married, late 20s and are willing to work 15 hours a day that will not be successful, even at menial jobs.

    But what we have done is to subsidize irresponsibility and laziness. In some ares 75% of children are born to unwed mothers who never finish high school. They and their mothers will be on welfare much if not all of their life. There’s also the problems of total welfare (direct welfare, subsidies and freebies like obamaphones) exceeds the income of many working families. It encourages others to go into the cash economy. It’s estimated that 40% of the workers in LA are working for cash.

  12. sweetie says:

    Richard, I’ve heard a lot about the welfare/food stamps from a lady who worked as a social assistant or something like that. She was very bitter about how people milk the system, particularly immigrants without papers. I don’t know how that’s possible, however immigrants with papers or not, they still pay taxes. Every time you buy something, you pay taxes. I feel for people without papers, they work very hard. While in Chicago for many years, I’ve never seen a hispanic begging for money on the streets. The hispanic population there is significant, they’re all Mexicans to the regular American.

    Now about Flyr’s assistant, not sure how many kids in Ro get to have a dad who’s in the Intelligence, not many. Plus, papers or no papers off the boat makes a big difference in this country.

  13. ax753753 says:

    @ flyr: Thank you for the advice above on checking accounts. I hope it will come in handy soon. 😉

  14. ax753753 says:

    @ onyx_percula:
    Regarding “SBs, do you set boundaries in your sexuality? How does this help you or hurt you? Have you ever talked about what I experienced with this former SB where I felt more like a customer than a regular man seeing a woman?”

    I do not set boundaries depending on the type of relationship. (Why limit my fun 😉

  15. KatPaw says:

    Problem with “welfare” SNAP ( as it’s called now) is the people who abuse it. It’s great should be in place but it’s sickening at times how “played” the system gets. It’s very disappointing seeing those families that are really in need get let down by the system.

  16. Richard says:

    flyr – No offense, but I think you should be feeling a bit of cognitive dissonance. A wonderful success story, but “heredity (mother chem Phd, father Romanian Intel disguised as Econ Affairs) and potential” followed by “no welfare, no food stamps” and “too many people in the US are ready to blame others for their lack of initiative.” I don’t know many people with her pedigree who are on welfare or food stamps…but even so, you do realize half of food stamp recipients are children or the elderly, and the remainder are primarily single mothers? And it’s very temporary, generally lasting three to six months?

    Personally, I think a country as wealthy as ours can afford to temporarily provide $150/month to buy food for kids, single mothers, and old people. But you may disagree. I’m doing my best to take at least one person off the welfare rolls, how about you? (j/k)

  17. sweetie says:

    I see. Are you in the sugar pool now?

  18. flyr says:

    “Regarding this “And no, there’s no sugar bowl in the company.” Are you saying you consider sugaring a cop-out?”

    No sugar bowl in the company as it comes with too many potential complications. Not like a couple decades ago when pretty much anything went in the office. Of course sugar is not a cop out . It often has a lot more integrity than the typical dating process.

  19. sweetie says:

    That’s a nice story, good for her. Thanks for sharing.

    Regarding this “And no, there’s no sugar bowl in the company.” Are you saying you consider sugaring a cop-out?

  20. flyr says:

    @sw “Flyr, Romanian assistant, huh? Care to elaborate a bit?” Came to me as a recommendation from a friend’s wife, fresh off the boat with rudimentary English skills. When it comes to hiring I use some of the same principles as in buying or betting on horses – heredity (mother chem Phd, father Romanian Intel disguised as Econ Affairs) and potential. Playboy had already approached her but she declined . I mention all of this because one of the most delightful characteristics was her daily gratitude at just being allowed to enter the United States. No welfare, no food stamps-just hard work with a little bit of mischief. Happiest day in the office – I had mentioned to Richard Tyler that she was a fan of his designs and a week later a box and card from Tyler arrived, inside the perfect little black dress. Night school at a local community college, full boat scholarship to Brown and on to grad school also full scholarship. I mention all of this because too many people in the US are ready to blame others for their lack of initiative. We hosted a going away party at which two young men proposed marriage but she had her sights set on school and beyond. And no, there’s no sugar bowl in the company.

  21. Zack says:

    Five Hundred quatloos for the Orion.

  22. Totally agree with the 3 tips for messaging sugar babies above. The best way to get a successful response from sugar babies is to avoid coming off like a fake sugar daddy…here’s what we look for when deciding you’re fake or actually worth our time…http://sugardating101.com/how-to-weed-out-fake-sugar-daddies-8-types-of-men-to-pass-on/

  23. KatPaw says:

    @Chloe I’m sure it actually has nothing to do with your skin color at all. It could be wording in your profile itself. What pics you have posted… Ect.. I’m sure if you post your profile number and ask for suggestions you will get plenty of them! I did this a few days ago and with the wonderful advice suggestions ect. I rewrote a much better profile.

  24. SugarySpicey says:

    @Chloe, it’ll take a little longer for you, but the sugar bowl changes every week – and it really isn’t unheard of for it to take 6 months to meet someone. You may also want to try What’s Your Price – it’s a good way to make a little cash while you wait for your SD. Good luck, I know other Carmel and chocolate honeys have done well in the bowl.

  25. Noob_SD says:

    I @ Chloe Okay so this is my second time using this site (I’m 21 by the way) and I’m hearing a lot of great advice, but I still have a terrible problem. I’ve interested only 3 guys (none in which I met my first time using this site), but with MOST of the guys I take interest in I always got the “I don’t like black girls” or I’m not into black girl”. One guy even said “I love that you’re light skinned, but that’s still black to me.” Sorry if this is off topic, but I need advice badly.

    I rarely visit this blog these days. But your post drew my attention. Ignore those who say that. I know it sounds cliche’, but this is important not just in sugar bowl, but life in general. And I’m speaking from experience – don’t let these thoughts dwell in you mind – they have a way of feeding negativity.

    Back to sugar bowl, the reality is that we all discriminate. If it’s not color, it’ll be something else – tall/short, hairy/smooth, bald/unbald, muscular/fat, wild/mild etc. I, for one, most definitely could care less what color you are – but I do discriminate in other ways. In my experience, it was hard to find an SB here for me, for that very reason. Keep looking and keep the sugar bowl as a side focus – an entertainment/indulgence/hobby that does not occupy the major/main part of your life. Some time back when I was googling to learn more about SD/SBs I remember coming across blogs by black SBs.

    PS: I like black girls 🙂

  26. DorkyGuy says:

    “Naked? You guys take your clothes off?!? Isn’t it easier to just unzip?”

    If everyone just unzips what they need satisfied… how does that work? You unzip your pants… she unzips her purse… are you supposed to just stick it in her purse?

    I know I wouldn’t want to be the one to have to clean it out.

  27. Richard says:

    Naked? You guys take your clothes off?!? Isn’t it easier to just unzip?

  28. KatPaw says:

    @ flyR lmao hmmm that would be a very interesting discussion…

  29. Mark says:

    I have not been in a Sugar Daddy/Son relationship yet (Looking for one now) but all of these tips seem helpful.


  30. flyr says:

    My nomination for the next topic would be handling the early minutes of the first naked encounter of a relationship

  31. DorkyGuy says:

    Seems like it is about time for a new blog topic. My spidey sense is tingling. I bet the next one will be a doozey.

  32. sweetie says:

    Flyr, Romanian assistant, huh? Care to elaborate a bit?

  33. Chloe says:

    Okay so this is my second time using this site (I’m 21 by the way) and I’m hearing a lot of great advice, but I still have a terrible problem. I’ve interested only 3 guys (none in which I met my first time using this site), but with MOST of the guys I take interest in I always got the “I don’t like black girls” or I’m not into black girl”. One guy even said “I love that you’re light skinned, but that’s still black to me.” So what if my pictures ARE THE problem, not the SD’s? I love my foreign boys and the interracial culture and I don’t feel it’s right being stuck making arrangements with only african (american) decent guys.

    If a meet was to be made, they’re going to have to see me eventually. I’m not drop dead sexy, but I’m not kill-it-with-fire ugly either. -__-

    Sorry if this is off topic, but I need advice badly.

  34. onyx_percula says:

    @ SDs and SBs

    Got to thinking about something that I thought might be a good topic for our SBs and SDs here.

    Boundaries. I had an SB that escorted for a time. We had many talks about escorting, sugar, sex and “what was available” to whom. For her she set a lot of limits when she was escorting, opened up more with sugar but was only fully open and available to a BF. That was how she survived being an escort without coming to loath all men and maintain her self respect.

    After a few months together it wore on me more and more, I started to feel more like a customer or a client. Its wasn’t like I was asking for things that where off limits but I seemed like one way or another I was constantly reminded I was something less than just a man with a woman.

    SBs, do you set boundaries in your sexuality? How does this help you or hurt you? Have you ever talked about what I experienced with this former SB where I felt more like a customer than a regular man seeing a woman?

    SDs, how do you feel about being restricted rather you would want to go further or not? If you ever felt the same way I did, how did it change your relationship or did you come into with that expectation? If the relationship was transaction based in nature, why be in that higher maintenance relationship when you would get the same from an escort without the overhead?

  35. Richard says:

    Just to follow up on an earlier point. I don’t think you should be afraid to discuss the allowance early in your correspondence with a potential SD. I don’t put an allowance budget on my profile, but I discussed it very early on with all four women I’ve met in person, and with some others. I never found it a difficult discussion, and I was not offended if they raised the subject.

    The range has been very large, with the highest being $15k per month (actually, phrased as $3.5k per week, which I found interesting…either she is a good marketer or realizes how unlikely it would be for someone to pay for a month up front at that level!). I suspect that profile is a fake one as I don’t believe she is actually the Russian supermodel whose photos she is using.

    For me personally, the amount is less important than other factors, like how much travel is necessary (can be expensive and time consuming). Most SDs are good with numbers and will calculate the total cost of a relationship, including their time and inconvenience, and the allowance may actually be a small part of that.

    For example, traveling to NYC and spending two nights in a nice hotel once a week could easily cost more than $5k/month…

  36. flyr says:

    RE Joint checking accounts

    I believe that’s going to take two tax ID’s and in today’s world it means that every deposit and disbursement will be stored forever and indexed to the id’s. It raises all kinds of issues in the near and distant term including the potential for the wife to come after the SB

    A more opaque way of handling the matter is that the SD opens an account and has a debit card issued in his name but in your purse. Last time I checked a card in the SB name required ID and stuff like that. If the SB is less than fully comfortable she just takes the money out at the first of the month. It takes cash out of the meetings (after the startup) which I think is good. The card makes it easy to add cash to cover an emergency on the road or to tell her she should get those shoes she was admiring.

    As noted I think taking cash or envelopes of cash out of the meeting is good in most cases. However, my experience over the years is that for some SB’s it’s bad to disconnect the cash from the meetings because they have forgotten it by the time they arrive.

  37. flyr says:

    @AX “Very funny! Lastly, no SB wants to be prey for a hunter hungry for a kill. If there are any telltale signs we SB’s can look for, it would be wonderful if you would share them. I think becoming a SD’s game makes us (and women in general) bitter. It steals our innocence – which once gone can never come back.”
    From what you have shared it sounds like you have done an awesome job of selecting and nurturing your SD’s

    I think you see a lot of the stories here, offers that are too good to be true, international jet setters. Allowances that are out of line. It’s not just in the sugar world or even the men women relationships. For most of us hardly a day passes without a few emails wanting us to serve in some capacity to invest $100 million arriving out of Africa, Russia etc Yet people keep getting stuck by these scams.

    My racing partner was one of those, there were two self proclaimed fiancees and several other current, intimate acquaintances at his funeral. Add one southern mother, bitter x wife and it was great drama.

    Re Allowance – You did not say what your profile said about allowance. If it had an amount he might have assumed that the top was a done deal.

  38. onyx_percula says:

    @ ax753753 — It’s a draw then. I had a nice talk with the new SB last night. I got some input from her too. She has been in the sugar bowl for about 8 years now, but has never put herself in a position to be reliant on an allowance. She has always lived within her means, been successful in working and used sugar to go to school, which is what she is starting to again, going for her JD/PhD.

    A thought she shared… Some woman feel the desire/demand for stability and security stronger than others. If you aren’t comfortable in your relationship regardless of why its eventually going to cause problems.

    As it seems with all things sugary, communications are the end all.

  39. ax753753 says:

    Thank you everyone! You have been extremely generous with your feedback and insight.

    @ Onyx_Percula: Thank you for the lengthy and helpful response. Your suggestion #1 seems like it would fit my current situation best. Also, it was very kind of you to thank me for making you a better SD. No need to thank me though, just be more compassionate of your SB’s innate desire for security & we’ll call it a draw.

    @ Flyr: I like the proposed wording you suggested. It allows me to be honest and also gently express my request. Also, LOL – I find it very interesting your comment about the uptick of activity toward the end of the month. Very funny! Lastly, no SB wants to be prey for a hunter hungry for a kill. If there are any telltale signs we SB’s can look for, it would be wonderful if you would share them. I think becoming a SD’s game makes us (and women in general) bitter. It steals our innocence – which once gone can never come back. 🙁

    @ SD Guru: I have had three of these long-term relationships before. All three initially proposed a gift amount that I was satisfied with. No one made me give a number first. (Certainly, I have met other SD’s but when their proposals were too low, we never proceded further) The first relationship lasted a year. We eventually lost interest in each other. Not as friends, but the sexual intensity had gone. That was a decade ago. He has kept in touch with me over the years and sends me gifts on occasion. He did ask me back twice, but I did not accept. The second relationship lasted about six months. His wife got very suspicious and he opted to end it. The third relationship lasted two years. He ended it after the first year because he met someone he wanted to have a real relationship with. (He was single). When that didn’t work out for him, he asked me to return to him. I did for another year. He & I set up a joint bank account and that worked well for both of us. Then, he ran into financial difficulties and needed to end it after the second year. We remained close friends and he’s rebounded financially. He asked me to return and even move in with him. I’ve emotionally moved on and do not want to rekindle that relationship.

    @ SugarySpice: Good Advice! Thank you very much!

    @ Jeanandtshirt76: Thank you for suggesting I go in with a healthy number & not one that will cause me angst down the road. I guess you are right too, that if I ask for for an exit allowance, that I REALLY must be prepared to never see it.

    Again, thank you all! I know what I need to do now.

  40. Exotic SB says:

    “There are people that shape their lives. They do not see themselves as a product of their environment or their past. Instead, they view themselves as a powerful force that shapes the world around them, and can shape their own future. These people realize that the life you have is mostly a result of the decisions that you make. They are self-aware. They recognize their destructive behaviors, and correct them, in a constant cycle of self-improvement. When life throws them a curve-ball, they are resilient, recovering quickly and pressing forward. They feel in control, because they feel empowered to shape their lives into whatever they want it to be.”

    @Dorky – Cheers! Your simplification sets a solid foundation for truth to reside within ~ all the many shades of it that exist 😉

    @Canadian SD! Hello 😀 Happy birthday?!

    @Spicey & Jeanandtshirt76 – great advice, sugars!

  41. Jeanandtshirt76 says:


    All depends on the SD, I gave my last one two months allowance just make sure she was ok, but more will not. You have to be comfortable putting a number on what you want for an allowance. If you can’t realistically do that this arrangement thing is not for you. It’s a negotiation, simple as that, keeping in mind thought most SB I’ve talked to underestimate what they actually need a month to survive. If you low ball yourself and have to go back and constantly ask for a bit extra that where you’ll make the SD fell like a bank machine, if he’s a real SD he won’t get offended when you are making the arrangement and you talk about money, it’s after all part of the coming to an arrangement process and he knows that and you need to know and realize that also. Don’t take a lower allowance with the agreement that their will be a parting gift as he might not live up to his promises and you’ll be the one left holding your bills not him. Don’t ever put yourself in that situation.

  42. SugarySpicey says:

    I wouldn’t trust a commitment of a final month’s parting gift. You just can’t predict why you’ll part ways. Ask for 25% more than you want, save it, and assume the relationship will end at the 3-4 month mark. Then, be prepared with that extra month in your pocket.
    AX- in this case, however, naming an amount may be detrimental. Instead, try listing a few items – tuition, rent, car, phone and see how many of these expenses he’d like to cover. Due to your inexperience and developing affections, that might feel better to you long te than accepting cash in an envelope.

  43. flyr says:

    @WCSD – My only disagreement would be that the termination that is unexpected is the one presents the risk.

    Potential reasons – wife finds out, husband chickens out, business downturn, irs audit renders him incapable, boredom .

    The potential SB should try to differentiate between the SD who is a hunter who lives for the kill vs the SD looking for a true long term relationship. If it’s a wayward husband the chances are that he is in the hunter category and the clock is ticking.

    • SD Guru says:

      “I’ve had a few of these relationships before & they have never ended on bad terms.”

      That statement brought some questions to mind… How did you handle the allowance discussion in the past? How long were your sugar relationships and why did they end? Consider yourself lucky that you haven’t had one ended on bad terms.

  44. flyr says:

    @AX Forgive me if I have not read all the comments on the two questions posed.

    Probably the two most critical points in a sugar relationship are the closing of the arrangement details and the first naked moments.

    If the SD posted a range and you are happy with the lower amount I would approach both questions with something like

    I really like you and look forward to being with you. You have indicated an allowance range and quite frankly I would be pleased with the lower amount, again because I like you and I treasure the gift of your mentoring, what I ask in exchange is that you agree that if this does not work out I will either get a month notice or that amount of allowance to help me transition.

    If the SB is using the allowance for shoes and travel then the notice/payoff is not critical. But in today’s world many are using it to stay in school or keep the wolf from the door. I have noticed that starting about 10 days before the end of the month there is an uptick in the number of first notes and favorites.

    If wifey is around you may want to do something like an apartment rent first and last’s prior to move-in.

    There’s no right or wrong other than to maintain situational awareness throughout the process so that you are in a conversation, not sounding like talking heads on TV.

    From my wonderful former Romanian assistant the eternal advice – men are like puppies, you have to punish bad behavior immediately.” The converse is true ….. ‘when he mans up and reduces your anxiety and risk a super reward is warranted. I’m sure you’ll think of something.

  45. onyx_percula says:

    @ ax753753 — Myself I am more inclined to make a commitment to give you a months notice, although I also would not be opposed to giving you a month on parting assuming the parting was not a total nightmare on your part. I am a little old fashion I guess because when I make a commitment I keep it. I gave my #2 a two month notice this weekend. While sad she was surprised and happy that I would do that for her. She never asked for anything like that btw, I just know her financial situation too well to just rip the carpet out from under her.

    Of course that takes a lot of trust on your part with someone that you likely do not completely trust, if for no other reason than you haven’t known each other all that long or well.

    From the SD point of view, we are cautious of getting ripped off, hence why many don’t pony up a full months allowance but break the first month or two in two twos. This is also where the old saying of the “the sugar flows when the panties hit the floor” comes from. Any real SD understands he is taking a risk and is willing to gambol an allowance on his good judgement.

    From your perspective you want something that gives you a little security. So two thoughts…

    1) Ask for more than you need especially if he is used to paying more and bank the excess yourself as a cushion against sudden endings.

    2) Ask if maybe he would be willing to open a joint saving account that takes two signatures to release funds and put a months allowance in that for you. It gives him a level of security from a grab and dash and gives you some security that he can’t just withdraw it and tell you bye bye. Of course not all SDs are going to be willing to expose that much exposure but hey its an idea that might work for some.

    And yes security is a HUGE issue for many SBs. It’s something I need to be more aware of. Thank you for helping make me a better SD… looks like I need to have a couple of serious talks in the near future.

    If you have questions that you don’t want to post, ask the mods for my email address, I would be glad to answer.

  46. ax753753 says:

    @ WCSD: Thank you again for taking the time to respond further. I’ve had a few of these relationships before & they have never ended on bad terms. In fact, the majority of SD’s have wanted me back after they ended it. However, if the typical SB/SD ending is an unpleasant one, then yes I guess what I’m proposing is rather pointless. (Even if giving someone I loath a killer BJ so they can remember me, does kind of turn me on)

    Also, thank you for saying that expressing my ‘requests’ wouldn’t necessarily be a devastating move. It’s never something I’d consider a demand, but good to know clearly what I should and shouldn’t do if I want to give us a chance.

  47. WCSD says:

    @ax753753 – The only time I’ve heard of an exit ‘payment’ being made (that makes sense to me anyway) is when there is a specific end date to an arrangement (i.e. she graduates school and doesn’t want to be a SB any longer, she only wants to be a SB until she has raised X to start a business, etc.). But in most situations a sugar relationship ends for ‘non-pleasant’ reasons. Timing doesn’t work out, one party doesn’t feel they are getting what was agreed, drama of any sort has come into the relationship and the other doesn’t want it, etc. In those situations to think that I’m going to have to payout an exit payment, or you’d have to give an exit blow job just seems ridiculous. In my experience, most of these relationships end with the ‘ugly’ ending rather than the ‘movie ending’…so planning (or even expecting) the movie ending just seems like a waste of time. If the relationship was that good and happended that way, then she would be an incredible friend and giving an exit package would be natural and not negotiated.

    But, I don’t think I’d be offended if someone brought it up. I’d state my beliefs (similar to what I’ve done here) and we’d make a decision if that is a deal breaker for us. I’ve never ended something with a pot because she made a request. I’ve ended it because she’s made a demand, but was it me ending it or her ending it for making it a demand?? Either or, when anyone has a demand that the other does not want to give, the relationship ends…

  48. ax753753 says:

    Well, I guess my request could be construed as a “messaging blunder.”

    But, respectfully, I am surprised by the SD’s feedback about it. I think of a SB/SD friendship as one where both people are free to express what they really want. If he wants an exit BJ, well I am open to discussing & perhaps agreeing to it. It never would have dawned on me, prior to hearing your feedback, that stating the importance of an exit allowance to me would be so negatively interpreted. Also, in these types of friendships/relationships, there must be a level of trust. I would not have thought that if we initially agreed to an exit allowance, that in the end (which, though we don’t want it to, comes inevitably) he would not respectfully hold up his end of the agreement; neither because it would be the right thing to do nor because he cared enough for me to want to know I’ll be ok. Gentlemen…you shocked me on this one.

  49. ax753753 says:

    Oh no! Richard, you are against it too!?? Glad I ran this by you before I angered him too with the request. Yikes!

  50. ax753753 says:

    WCSD: The income disparity for many on this site is undeniably vast. Some struggle just to make the monthly car payment, so saving for a rainy day is next to impossible. Whereas others simply take one less vacation abroad or buy one less toy in order to save for that rainy day. Plus, women like security. I am not the type who wants to have multiple SD’s in order to hedge the fear that I may be instantly cut off, should the wife find out. I, like many SB’s, want one & preferably long-term SD. If we could build in an exit allowance, it would give us a lot more comfort. In fact, I would gladly take a lower monthly amount in order to have an exit appropriation secured. But, like you kind gentlemen have wisely said, I think this want of mine is something I need to touch upon when he & I discuss our wants & needs.

  51. Richard says:

    No, absolutely don’t ask for an “exit” gift, especially now. First, you’re bringing up something unpleasant (the end of your relationship), which neither of you really wants to think about now. Second, it’s highly unlikely he’d pay it even if he commits to it now…just human nature.

    That said, you should be putting part of your allowance away for a rainy day, and you can be honest with him about it. Just common sense, and I’d be disappointed with anyone who didn’t….SB or not.

  52. WCSD says:

    This has been discussed in the past…a SD giving an ‘exit’ allowance when the relationship ends. I’ve never done that in the past myself, and find it an odd request. If a SB decided to end it, would it be acceptable for the SD to ask for a going away blow job? (Ok, he might ask, but is it acceptable for him to expect it…) I guess I’m much more of the mindset that you should always be preparing yourself for a rainy day. I do it, so why wouldn’t I expect others to be doing the same. I know this isn’t easy to do if you are relying on your SD for your life expenses (food, rent, etc.), but then again SBs who rely on their SD for the necessities are never attractive to me. They are far too desperate…

  53. ax753753 says:

    Would it be distasteful to ask that if or when ‘he’ ends the relationship, that he also gift me with a month extra allowance at that point. It’s sad when a relationship has to end (both from a physical standpoint and because I’m losing a friend), but it’s hard on me financially.

  54. onyx_percula says:

    @ ax753753 — Forgot to add… A smart thing to do is save enough months worth of “allowance” so you can quit that second job and not be in a bad spot of being too dependent on “Daddy”. So build into your monthly request a little padding to allow you to save a few months worth of what you really need fairly quickly, i.e. 3-6 months.

  55. ax753753 says:

    @ Onyx_Percula: Thank you!

  56. onyx_percula says:

    @ ax753753 — Richard and WCSD have excellent points. For a lot of SDs the sugar thing is a lot about helping a young woman reach her goals, faster, easier, etc. So for example if you have to work two jobs, get enough that you could quit it, or reduce hours, etc. That would not only free you up to see your SD, it would free you up to get better grades if you are in school, go to school, etc, etc.

    Another way I have used to help my SBs come up with a number (hint hint a good SD will help you). Let’s say you are in school, how much do you need to go to school full time? i.e. not working, just school.

  57. ax753753 says:

    WCSD & Richard: Thank you both very much. I would not have thought it wise of me to leave $ on the table, but perhaps it is ok. (I still need to wrap it around my head a little more). I also really like the idea of expressing what I’ve written here to him and communicating what ‘his decision’ to gift me with could mean for me. Thank you gentlemen.

  58. Richard says:

    Why don’t you tell him exactly what you’re telling us? If you are becoming close friends, which is what it sounds like, he’ll not only appreciate your candor and probably figure out a way to alleviate your concerns (men like to solve problems). From what you’re saying, it sounds like he wants to help you and make your life less stressful, otherwise he wouldn’t be asking.

    You might also just say something like “I need $xx in order to pay my bills and survive month to month. If I had $xxx then I could accomplish Y, if I had $xxxx I could accomplish Y and Z and put away a little for a rainy day.” Then you’re letting him decide how much he wants to help you.

    If his range is high, it may be because for him (and some others on this site), the amount is not that significant to him, and he can afford it easily.

  59. ax753753 says:

    Actually, what is on my mind is that I value his frienship far more than the $. It is why it is so uncomfortable for me to give a number. Though I definitely need the money, by giving a number I feel like I’m turning our blosseming friendship more toward a transactional situation. By giving a number, I feel like I’m labeling him as an ATM. 🙁

  60. WCSD says:

    The last thing a SD wants is to be seen or treated like an ATM. If you make it a business transaction, expect to be treated like a business transaction. And realize as a SB if you are trying to negotiate the relationship purely from a business transaction standpoint, in the end you will more than likely lose. SD’s in general are MUCH more experienced in negotiation, also when you put it in that manner, you become a commodity, and to be honest, there is a LOT of that commodity out there…which very lowers your bargaining power immensely.

  61. ax753753 says:

    Thank you WCSD. I appreciate your frankness.

  62. WCSD says:

    @ax753753 – There has been countless discussion about this in previous blogs. My advice is this:
    1) don’t feel uncomfortable. You met in this environment, it is expected that this discussion will happen. He is even asking you, which means he is very open to discussing it. So get over it and just go into it.
    2) His range shouldn’t matter. State what you want, and why (for me the why is almost if not more important than the amount. It shows that you have a plan, you have considered different options, and you have a logical reason why you want $X. Note: ‘because I deserve it/am worth it’ is NOT a valid reason why!)

    Again, being in an arrangement is NOT about feeling greedy, in either case. Ask for what you are comfortable with, and if you get it you are happy. Don’t think about ‘money left on the table’, etc. If that is what you are worried about, then he is the wrong guy, and you are focusing on the wrong thing.

    Again, just my opinion.

  63. ax753753 says:

    It would be great if an in-depth discussion could be on how to get to an allowance amount. My new SD keeps asking me what are my expectations. It feels extremely, extremely uncomfortable to give a number. Also, the range he put in his profile is higher than I’ve ever received. If I give a number that is at the base of his range, I feel like I’m being greedy. Any advice would be appreciated.

  64. onyx_percula says:

    @ NC Gent — Gent’s prefer blonds… dohhh!

  65. NC Gent says:

    and regarding birthdays, all but one of my SBs met or exceeded my expectations. However, there was one SB that I had, when I told her my birthday was coming up, she quipped, “thanks for sharing that with me,” and she did absolutely nothing – not even a text message…. dumped her shortly thereafter for a couple of other reasons… and she acted surprised and shocked!!! duhhhhhhh

  66. NC Gent says:

    Regarding experience of the SB, I would say in general I prefer a less experienced SB, but it really doesn’t matter that much – wouldn’t even hit the top 20 things I would seek.

    Hey Genuine — sorry — was kind of MIA — I just messaged Guru and asked him to give you my email address.

  67. GenuineSD says:

    @NCGent. Florida ?

  68. GenuineSD says:

    Re:Birthdays. I’ve only had one remember….
    But as others have already observed, the thought was the most important part of it.
    She was able to find something that was unique, exactly fit my personality, and was a heartfelt memento of our times together…

  69. flyr says:

    RE Birthdays

    I have really appreciated it when it was more thoughtful than expensive

    A really carefully selected shirt and having a little mini cake surprise at our restaurant. A bit of mischievous naughtiness in the car on the way back to my place.

  70. Richard says:

    Experience can come in many forms. Most quality women and most successful men have experienced an “arrangement” already, even if it wasn’t explicitly called that. The most expensive SB on this site could never cost me as much per month as my ex-wife did…though we didn’t have an explicit arrangement even when we were just dating.

    Personally, I don’t care if she is an “experienced SB” or not…there are many things that would matter more to me. The only caveat being I suppose an experienced SB is less likely to get attached and cause drama…but again, every situation and interaction is different.

  71. GenuineSD says:

    @Guru, Sweetie and all
    WRT experienced SBs..,I think it depends…
    I know it’s helpful to meet someone that’s already been through the mental exercise before… But agree with flyr… It’s a more complex analysis….
    Experience can bring an appreciation for a good arrangement along with maturity confidence, clarity..,
    Or it can bring a “flinch” from past bad experiences…
    Inexperience can bring excitement and gratitude for the help.., or nervousness and all the other challenges of a first-time experience
    Depends on the person… Depends on how experienced and sensitive the SD is too…
    Patience and a stable demeanor can go a long way to helping…

  72. onyx_percula says:

    @ CanadianSD — Of the last (4) of mt SBs, two have asked for my bday. One was with me at the time and definitely remembered, the other is the new SB and she asked for it.

    @ SD Guru — From a “I know what this is all about, I am comfortable with a mutually beneficial arrangement” experience is KING! This of course is highly colored by recent experiences where “Playboy” a “perfect” SB is fine with the money right up to the point of taking it, getting guilty and feeling like a whore and ending the arrangement after two weeks… To the new SB that has zero issues with the money and I expect to be around for years to come (cross my fingers).

    Remember a girl can get into this at ~18, so a sweet 28 year old little bit of hotness can still have ten years of experience dealing with older men. I think having one that has been there done that makes for a better time. It nice to not have to keep looking ahead for bumps that she already knows about and how to deal with.

    The negative is a lot of the fun is experiencing new things with my SBs, and having one that has been there done that, it’s a lot harder to find new things short of things like a month in China or a rafting trip down the head waters of the amazon…

  73. flyr says:

    my prior lost its formatting and some text in transmission ignore

  74. sweetie says:

    I have seen SD profiles that request experienced SBs only.

  75. flyr says:

    @ony ” I wonder if SD’s prefer their SB’s to be more or less experienced than they are.”

    I think it is an area that’s tough to generalize perhaps a 4 cornered distribution

    Young and Enthusiastic Older and hardened
    Works well with right SD no fun
    In it for more than $

    Young and confused Older and relaxed
    frightened, repulsed Picks well, nurtures
    picks poorly

  76. KatPaw says:

    @Jeanandtshirt the problem with the younger generation is they are spoiled and have grown up with an intidalment complex. They believe they are just “owed” it.

    • SD Guru says:

      “She has been in the sugar bowl longer than I have, so zero worries there. She has been a SB for 8+ years now.”

      That’s interesting… I wonder if SD’s prefer their SB’s to be more or less experienced than they are. And whether SB’s who have been in sugar for a long time are more or less desirable. Thoughts?

  77. Jeanandtshirt76 says:


    A SB should remember the SD birthday, SB don’t have lots of money for the most part so give her a bit of extra and you might get something nice, don’t expect something expensive as you said a simple card or spending the day with you is usually what is in order. However my last SB never remembered mine, even got upset when I drop a hint my birthday was coming up and I wanted to go somewhere for a weekend with her. This seams much more typical of the SB 25 and under from what I’ve experienced and talk to, for the most part their are fully willing to discuss money, but not discuss the two way beneficial arrangement, at least from my discussions, last one we discusses what she wanted which I was fine with, but under no circumstances would she discuss what I want or said yes but that’s like 12 to 18 months down the road, ok same with the allowance was my reply 12 to 18 months down the road, she said that was unreasonable and needed the money immediately.

    I loosing faith in the younger generation quickly based on the numerous email I’ve been getting.

    I know all are not like this, but 75 to 85% of my messages from SB 25 and under are like this lately

  78. onyx_percula says:

    Everyone is different, their tolerance to tragedy and suffering is different. It’s all relative to the person. What is a bad week to one, utterly destroys another.

    Remember too that emotional trauma causes changes in the brain, there is still some debate as rather its just learning or actual damage. But most studies indicate its physically damaging to the brain, with damaged and dead brain cells. So just because something seems trivial doesn’t make it a real and serious problem for someone else.

    Even though I am an atheist this is still an apt saying “Don’t judge for but by the grace of God there go you.”

  79. DorkyGuy says:

    I think that fundamentally, there are two different kinds of people. (maybe an oversimplification, but not by much).

    There are people that shape their lives. They do not see themselves as a product of their environment or their past. Instead, they view themselves as a powerful force that shapes the world around them, and can shape their own future. These people realize that the life you have is mostly a result of the decisions that you make. They are self-aware. They recognize their destructive behaviors, and correct them, in a constant cycle of self-improvement. When life throws them a curve-ball, they are resilient, recovering quickly and pressing forward. They feel in control, because they feel empowered to shape their lives into whatever they want it to be.

    Then there are people that are blown from one crisis to the next. They feel out of control. They are shaped by their past, and have very little control over their future. They don’t think far ahead… instead, they spend most of their time reacting to events rather than shaping events. Because they don’t have a long-term plan that they are executing, their life doesn’t improve substantially, and they are trapped. They tend not to be self-aware enough to recognize that their present circumstances are shaped by their past decisions, and they have the power to shape their future by making forward-thinking decisions now.

    If these two people are placed in the exact same tragic circumstance, they handle it very differently, and come out of it with a very different amount of baggage.

    In my humble opinion…

  80. sweetie says:

    flyr, people react to stuff the only way they know how to. These encounters often leave marks and sometimes people can’t move on, so they continue trapped in the hell they’re into. It’s not easy to get bird’s eye view when in the middle of it all. So, these ladies face the world bitter from then on because that’s all they’re left with.

  81. flyr says:

    @Sweetie – Life Experience not equal baggage

    I guess I classify baggage as unprocessed life experience which negatively impacts current relationships.

    There are women whose husbands ran off with the secretary after berating them for years, who are bitter towards all mankind and those who gather from the experience an appreciation for someone who treats them better.

  82. onyx_percula says:

    @ gtt_envy — Good luck bother!

    Oh I hear you, I am a natural born dominate, leader, “center of it all” guy that likes to plan and know everything in advance. Oh yeah and I tell them “f’off I don’t have a bday!” lol.

    It was freaking scary as hell but she put SO much into it, that I decided to go alone and see what would happen. It was a unique dynamic, she was VERY demure, down right shy about it all, lots of blushing and shyly hiding her face, averting her eyes. It wasn’t like she became dominate and myself submissive, more like a different kind of submission on her part. Every time she wanted to do something it was like a unspoken “may I please you? yes love, you may”. Still trying to get my head around it all.

    Oh we connected on an emotional level for sure. We are adults and have set expectations very clearly. I don’t think anyone is losing control here, but its definitely something to watch for.

    It’s a sealed deal, I gave her half of the coming months allowance earlier in the week. She has been in the sugar bowl longer than I have, so zero worries there. She has been a SB for 8+ years now.

  83. gtt_envy says:

    I must have skipped the last two sentences!! Congrats you found a keeper 😉 I have never experienced mind blowing sex with a SB sounds like you have. My heart of hearts tells me it’s because the emotional piece is missing, so you cannot truly connect with someone the way you do in a real life relationship. Crossing my fingers on this one!

    Again great to heart she will be a hard act to follow.

  84. gtt_envy says:

    @onxy, wow that is crazy!! I could never let my guard down enough to let anyone do that to me. I don’t do massages, spas, I don’t like surprises at all of any kind, I get the appeal of what she did for you, but for me there is no way I can be so “in the passenger seat” and not in control!

    I like to have everything planned, my plans, my gifts I give, my surprises for others, I don’t do well on the being the one that is on the receiving end. Shoot I skip birthdays cause I don’t like presents…..unless someone knows I don’t tell anyone just another day.

    With that being said she obviously put in a ton of planning, thought about your needs, and tried to make you happy. By your excitement it obviously that worked well!!

    Glad you are happy!! Hopefully when the deal is sealed your excitement lasts. That’s always where my SB relationships stumble we get along great, laugh, have a blast, communicate tons, but physical there usually ends up being something not quite right.

    This weekend will be our first truly intimate weekend together, so everything has been perfect so far, and I’m hoping I am blown away!

  85. Richard says:

    Onyx – I wouldn’t kick Elle Macpherson out of bed for eating crackers (she’s 49) and Iman is still stunning at 58 (hotter in person). Lots of others, but I agree they tend to be exceptions. Men are biologically wired to be attracted to youth and fertility, women to power and status.

  86. CanadianSD says:

    Wondering how many SB know their SD birthday? Do you do anything special for him, it’s not about something expensive, maybe just spend the day with him, or join him for a weekend get away on him of course or just a simple birthday card.

  87. onyx_percula says:

    @ sweetie — And here is to a loooooong term arrangement!

  88. onyx_percula says:

    @ Richard — Its cliche as hell but its still true… Age is just a number. I have been with 21 year olds that were more mature than 40’something, and known bright and wonderful 40’somethings. I still haven’t met a 50+ year old woman that made me say to myself, “Damn I want to…”. I meet 20 & 30’somethings all the time that I do say that about.

    Humm 15 years ago… dating 20’something college girls that came to the rock club I bounced at 😉

  89. sweetie says:

    Onyx, you got yourself one fine woman. Thanks for sharing. Enjoy the ride, dear. 🙂

  90. sweetie says:

    flyr “Older SD , successful who wants a long term relationship with younger woman for a variety of potential reasons including sensuality, freedom from baggage, positive attitude, ego etc.”

    Regarding the baggage, we all have it. It’s called life experience. I don’t think it’s something to stay away from or hide it. One has to decide if to accept it or move on. Drama free does not exist, we know that. It’s funny that women want a man with experience, who has his shit together, while men want the opposite (at least on this site). I am around young students everyday, I hear them speak in class, I see them hang out in town etc. Some of them are really jaded or have no clue what planet they’re on.

    I had a fling with a 44yo once, nice guy. While chatting all night on New Year’s Eve at a bar downtown somewhere he said, please tell me you’re at least 27. I liked that he was older.

  91. onyx_percula says:

    @ sweetie — My yesterday… I have put in a shit load of hours this week at work, lots of drama and stress. She txt’ed me about 9am (plenty of time to sleep in) and told me to not plan anything. OK… “Meet me a X at noon please”… OK. She met me in the parking lot of X which is a very nice local restaurant. Instead of going in, she puts me in her car and drives me to her place (first time I have been there).

    I am lead inside and sat in a wonderful chair, nice relaxing music is put on. She comes back with a steaming basin of water and washes and massages my feet. Then is time for a light home made lunch, as much fed to me as me eating it, lol.

    She comes back and tells me my bath is ready and I am lead to a nice hot bath. I am told to relax and unwind for a bit. She joined me later to wash my back and wash my hair. She dried me head to foot and lead me to her bed. Two Os later I am told to “sleep love, its your time to rest now”. She woke me up at 7pm in a most erotic manner, finished what she started and had dinner waiting.

    Cuddle on the couch watching a favorite movie, back to bed for more mind blowing sex and awakened in that wonderful manner she likes about 9am showered and taken back to my car “have a wonderful day lover!”.

    OMG, again please!

    My turn next weekend, its going to be hard to top, but I can do it.

    Overall, she is the nicest, most understanding and sexiest. Smart as hell and gets me hot with her mind and body. More understanding than 10 woman put together. Always positive, supportive. Gives me attention when I want it and leaves me alone when I want, most of the time without having to ask. She is going to make it hard to treat her as well as she treats me.

  92. Richard says:

    Onyx – Thanks for the warning…where were you 15 years ago? 🙂 Seriously, I’m very self-aware, so I know better than to get sucked in…but with the right woman I can indulge all my predilections, including the white knight one.

    I’m 43 and had similar experiences on conventional dating sites. But I find age doesn’t tell me much. There are women my age and older that take care of themselves and still know how to have fun, similarly there are 20 year old women that are conservative, aging quickly, and obsessed with finding a husband and having kids. There is a good argument for experience and emotional maturity, though!

  93. onyx_percula says:

    @ Richard — Be VERY careful bother, playing white knight sets you up to be used and abused, trust me I have been there and done that. I know the joy of helping, rescuing, etc, but if you are being used/abused even if your eyes are wide open, the reality is often much worse than you think it is.

    I don’t think you are unique, I am in a similar place too. My problem is I am 49 and am simply not attracted to women in my generation. I had a profile on a dating/hookup site that specifically listed my age range of interest. I still got contacted at the rate of 5+ day of women well over my top end age. Finding a twenty something or early 30s woman not looking to marry, have kids that can “color inside the lines” is damn hard to come by.

  94. sweetie says:

    Onyx “My new SB has ruined me for all other women, plain and simple. She has set a whole new standard to meet. I thought SBs where to be spoiled not the other way around… I guess I will just have to try harder to stay ahead of her.”

    Please elaborate.

  95. onyx_percula says:

    Screening — I still go back to my post a blog or two back on scams. Google those profile images, if they are anywhere else that doesn’t make sense stop communicating. I have asked for a received a picture with a pot SB that has written a code on a piece of paper. So that weeds out the fakes and to a great deal the misrepresented.

    I like to take things slow, I have had nothing but negative experiences with girls that insisted on moving things along quickly. If they can’t message on the site a few times before moving to email, chat, skype, etc then its a reg flag.

    Remember there are a lot of desperate (to one degree or another) girls out there. Desperate people do desperate things. It’s one thing to be desperate to “get out of student debt” versus desperate to make regular living expenses, to keep from getting evicted or repo’ed. Not working is another red flag.


    My new SB has ruined me for all other women, plain and simple. She has set a whole new standard to meet. I thought SBs where to be spoiled not the other way around… I guess I will just have to try harder to stay ahead of her.

  96. Richard says:

    There’s another category, which describes me and I’m sure others here. I have no trouble meeting and attracting quality women (by whatever metric you choose to apply), but it is very difficult to find one that is comfortable meeting only a few times per month and doesn’t want to eventually marry, settle down and have children. In my case I’m willing to pay an allowance simply to avoid the drama and emotional and logistical entanglements.

    That’s the theory, anyway!

    I also have a bit of a “white knight” syndrome where I get satisfaction from helping the damsel in distress. And I very much enjoy selecting, buying and giving gifts. I’d be surprised if that is uncommon.

  97. KatPaw says:

    I know flyR I miss everything else that was discussed! Lol

  98. flyr says:

    ATTN BLOG GODS It would be great if you could restore the missing portions of this discussion

  99. flyr says:

    RE “SD’s are flakey” – It’s no different from a continuum extending from the Garden of Eve to today’s internet dating scene………

    Sugar represents the willingness of Party A to add economic benefits to a relationship in order to establish an equilibrium point. The sugar is used to balance the inequity between what the parties bring to the relationship. The imbalance may be just transitional ( The 30 year old , good looking rocket scientist who wants to get laid tomorrow and doesn’t have an available playmate at the moment) or more permanent – Older SD , successful who wants a long term relationship with younger woman for a variety of potential reasons including sensuality, freedom from baggage, positive attitude, ego etc.

    Ironically the rocket scientist with modestly degraded social skills and confidence is likely to be cured by his SB in short order. In addition there’s a large pool of young women looking for a man that meets their high standards
    a- knows entire alphabet
    b- not done felony time
    c- reasonably successful
    d-reasonably good looking
    e-has a steady income
    f-elementary knowledge of pleasing
    g-owns on toothbrush
    h-has been known to hold the door open

    The SB with a younger SD is likely to be replaced by a “free model” unless she brings something special to the relationship
    If the government gave away Louis Vuitton bags the high end stores would be out of business

    Plan SD capture mission within your capabilities and goals

    Fly your plan – avoiding shortcuts and distractions

    Making a 180 turn is often the wisest rather than modifying the plan

    If sugar is the foundation of your reason for being here then screen for
    a) those who have had medium to long term sugar relationships in the past
    b) men you would be comfortable with within the proposed relationship-If he looks like your grandfather but loves to stick his tongue in your ear in public you’ll either need to accept this or just meet in private.
    c) men where you would leave each meeting looking forward to the next meeting, not having counted the minutes until you could escape.
    d) men who you think will leave the meeting feeling the same about you.
    At the risk of getting in trouble I’ll add another
    e) if you are attracted to honesty you are probably not going to find it with the typical married SD. Both Monica and Jennifer Flowers really believed Bill was going to leave Hillary for them and continue to believe that had circumstances only been different …….

    Play to your strengths
    Learn from your mistakes………………….

  100. sweetie says:

    Yeah, it takes a while. Don’t get discouraged, there are good girls out there. Just screen better. Good luck!

  101. Richard says:

    Sweetie – About two months. Four actual meetings (six flakes within a day or less of the meeting). Two of the four were as represented, sincere and high quality individuals just not a good match for different reasons. One was not willing to share more than one photo or Skype before meeting and I discovered why in person (lesson learned). The other was married (she said she was single, but Google and Twitter made it clear very quickly after we met) and that doesn’t work for me. BUT I’ve wasted way too much time with dozens of others before realizing they were misrepresenting themselves,

    The good news is I have yet to fall victim to any scammers or be propositioned by any escorts. But my profile is hidden from search, which may help.

    Too bad the verification process can’t vet the photos for you! I’ve also found several women who are using this site as a kind of virtual fantasy, mainly interested in lots of emails and texts, never intending to meet.

    I’m learning. 🙂

  102. sweetie says:

    Richard, that’s the problem on both sides. A lot of SDs/SBs misrepresent themselves. You have to find the ones who don’t. It takes time and patience. How long have you been looking on SA? How many meetings have you had?

  103. Richard says:

    Sugary – Makes sense. It also seems like very few of the women here are real, sincere, and intelligent. I guess I shouldn’t expect too much, but it seems like most are using fake photos (even “verified” SBs), misrepresenting themselves, or don’t have a realistic understanding of this type of arrangement. I’m sure I’m too picky, though. 🙂

  104. KatPaw says:

    @flyR thank you for all the help on the new improved profile.

    Even though all the comments are missing I want to thank all the others that helped with suggestions!

  105. SugarySpicey says:

    Richard – sometimes these men are open and up front and because they’re young and/or good looking and more successful than your average guy, things work out. Some men aren’t really aware of themselves or what they want and only discover they’re looking for a traditional relationship once the allowance conversation comes up – and they leave the site unsatisfied. And then some are a little deceptive and girls on this site get burned, which is where they learn they should ask for gift$ up front in future SA.

  106. Richard says:

    I haven’t looked at the SD profiles, but I would think if your net worth isn’t at least 10x your income you’re either very young, very bad at managing your money, or have recently experienced a major reversal in your investments. That said, it’s very difficult to accurately determine “net worth,” especially if most of it is illiquid (like mine).

    I’d also be surprised if any SD is capable of sustaining a monthly allowance of more than 10% of their income, so someone that grosses $300k a year isn’t going to be able to afford more than $2500 a month. I’m not sure how many SB really do the math, though.

    @Sugary I’m a bit surprised by that…really a “majority” here? I’m new to this site, and to explicit arrangements (had many implicit ones, including my last wife…lol), but wouldn’t any real SB want some earnest money up front before entering an arrangement? How do these “fake” SDs get past that?

  107. SugarySpicey says:

    MC2 – an important thing to remember with this site, a majority of the male users are successful but have no interest in an SB/SD arrangement, they’re just trying to game the odds of online dating in their favor. That’s why the incomes don’t seem to support sugar dating, they don’t have any intention of being an SD, they want to be a BF.

  108. DorkyGuy says:

    So us guys can create a wish list too? sweet! As soon as some SB gives me that $7k sapphire gold bracelet, I am going to sell it on eBay.

  109. sweetie says:

    This is funny. Conspiracy anyone? Hehehe!

  110. flyr says:

    that’s a bummer as this was an interesting thread.

    I was on about 3 days ago when the system went down ( I am innocent) for a while it was not bringing up any photos (Eric Holder was probably shopping for a date)

  111. onyx_percula says:

    Time warp less likely but could be more fun

  112. KatPaw says:

    Was wondering what happened to the rest of the posts!

  113. DorkyGuy says:

    Server crash, followed by a backup from 3 days ago?

    Hoping that only the blog was affected and not the main site!

  114. MC2 says:

    A newbie here, and loving the blog. Very informative and engaging. As newbie to this site, though having been in a previous relationship with a highly successful guy that occurred offline a few years ago (before sites like this really took off), the transaction to such a format is a bit interesting and confusing.

    A few thoughts/questions:
    1) Is the net worth and income balances on a lot of profiles, well, out-of-whack? If you make $250,000-$1,000,000, shouldn’t your net worth exceed the $1,000,000 threshold (not including your primary residence)? Also, if you’re worth more than $5,000,000 or $10,000,000, is it wrong to assume that you should be pulling in $1 million+ in income? I understand that equity and income don’t always go together, such as equity positions that are illiquid and don’t pay dividends (like a promising tech upstart), but it’s, interesting.

    2) How important should being a Diamond Sugar Daddy rating be?

    3) How do you handle those who are protective of their identities in their profiles?

    4) To go back to this site, is there way too many fakes or guys, at least in opinion, who quite honestly, are a little out-of-their-league financially to maintain a serious, long-term sugar commitment? I understand everyone has their own situation and arrangement, but it’s not a cheap endeavor, and having the financial resources is part of the successful, intelligent, sophisticated, and ambitious package that makes such men attractive and rare.

    5) Will you date younger men than you, but who are successful?

    Thanks! I know, a lot of questions.

  115. sweetie says:

    Sorry to hear that. Personally, I haven’t gotten anything extreme. No genitals pictures, no inquiries about sexual oddities, just plain and normal delete worthy messages. Guess I’m lucky!

  116. onyx_percula says:

    @ sweetie — My new “SB to be” showed me here messages on SA and another site. She had her profile up for a total of about 3.5 days. On SA she had (153) messages and on the other site (211). I guess its a good thing she found me or I would have been lost in the mess, lol. And page after page of “Hi” and “I’m interested in…” and “You’re hot” or “Pictures…”. She let me read a couple of them too, and wow, some of these guys are total asshats, not only did they come to her like she was a hooker but like she was a cheap third world hooker.

  117. sweetie says:

    Onyx, good pointers you mentioned above. I don’t think SDs actually think SBs receive hundreds of offers, maybe that’s why they don’t bother to write something worth responding to… or they only invest the minimum necessary. So, I guess they’re not actually interested, they’re only throwing around some shitty bait.
    I believe some of them have no idea what SA is, nor what they should do with it. Wealth of resources at their hands and they cry foul. At least SBs have an excuse: NOT ENOUGH SDs OUT THERE! 🙂

  118. onyx_percula says:

    @ Exotic SB — Thanks for the help today babe. You are up to two lunches on me now.

  119. onyx_percula says:

    @ Dulce iz Bk B*** — Now if every pot SB had the same X in her countdowns… Oh you should told Mr BJ that you could make him cum in 2 minutes, but that you require someone that can last at least 15x as long.

  120. DorkyGuy says:

    “Charm, Don’t Bargain”… Lead off with photos of your most charming assets!

  121. Dulce iz Bk B*** says:

    Please. Please. Please. Before you decide to even contact an SB make sure you either have or make time to communicate with her regularly. Nobody wants to wait 1 week+ for an email / text from someone they never met.
    Before sending email please note the min you
    send the first email there is a countdown. A x
    amount of time before we expect a phonecall or
    Skype and x amount of time we before
    expecting to meet.
    @z thanks for noticing

  122. Dulce iz Bk B*** says:

    @ Zack. scareface voice: You talkin to me?
    Its weight training. Just getting started.

  123. onyx_percula says:

    A couple of thoughts after reading the new blog…

    All great points for SDs. IME and in talking with my SBs they are just like we are when it comes to seeing the same old same old initial messages and canned replies.

    Boring subject lines of “Hi” and “I’m interested in you” just wont cut it. If you are making the initial contact with a “not uglier than sin” pot SB that just opened her profile… Expect to be one of literally hundreds of messages as everyone seems to want to jump on the “fresh meat”. If you are 1 of 100 “Hi” messages do you really expect to have your message read? Oh and forget about “WOW! You are X”, SBs throw in some more over used subject lines please.

    Now assuming you were a little bit original and have your message read… you better bring your A game or it will be an instant delete, no reply. The ladies already know you’re interested so no need to mention that in the message. chances are they at least looked at your profile picture so no need to tell them what you look like. There is an assumption you can afford to play the real sport of kings so no need to tell them about how big your bank account is, how big your house(s) is, or what you drive. And definitely don’t tell them about body parts!

    What they want is to know something real about you. Don’t use all of the same old same old. Yes we like younger women or we wouldn’t be here. Yes we like to travel, who doesn’t. Yes we want to have a fun and drama free relationship, etc, etc. So does she. So tell her something that only you can tell her about, tell her what brings joy into your life, what you are proud of, how you actually treat a lady, what you plan to do in the coming months if you have anything exciting planned. Giver her an idea of what she will be able to do if she if with you.

  124. Dulce iz Bk B*** says:

    Love love love! You are my benefactor not my owner don’t expect to get All my time and All my attention. And please dont discuss sex too much in the first emails it makes you seem like a desperate horney perve.But do mention if you
    are looking for intimacy. Not all arrangements
    are the same,some SDs just want
    companionship. Don’t assume your gonna get
    some just because your dropping x amount of
    dollars. Try saying ” I am looking for both
    intimacy and companionship” .That way you
    don’t sound like a john looking for a pro… I had
    a guy ask me ” how good are you at giving bjs?!
    I want someone who can blow my mind make
    me come in 2mins” …. Needless to say i hit

  125. Dulce iz Bk B*** says:


  126. Leroy says:

    All personalities and perspectives are welcome in the blog, while personal attacks and name calling are not. It’s inevitable that there will be disagreements but let’s handle it as mature adults with class to keep the dialog constructive and respectful. Please refer to the “Blog Etiquette” for more details. For the newbies, please take a look at the “Sugar Daddy Dating Tips” section on the right for a list of commonly discussed topics and the “SD and SB Blog List” section to see the perspective of other sugars. Now comment away and let’s enjoy the blog…