3 months ago
A Personal Journey: Searching for Soulmates

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We are all souls searching. Searching for something. What is that something?

After finishing my Freshman year at MIT in 1990, I flew back to Singapore for the summer.  One of my best friends insisted I go with him to see a Buddhist fortune reader. His Buddhist teacher had highly recommended her, because she foretold his entire future which unfolded over the years with unbelievable accuracy. Like most, I care about my future immensely, but I also believe the future is yet to be written and the outcomes lie solely in one’s own hands, albeit with a sprinkle of luck and circumstances every now and then.  

That visit changed my life in unimaginable ways.

The Buddhist Fortune Reader

Unlike most fortune tellers who read palms or tarot cards, this Buddhist nun asked me for my birthdate and the exact time I was born.  Then, referring to a thick Buddhist book, she flipped to the exact page that corresponds to the moment, in space and time, when I was born.  As though it was science, she started telling stories about my past life, about what I did right and what I did wrong. My karma, a tally of all the good and evil across all my past lives, has led me to this moment of birth, to the family I was born into, and into the tendencies I have in this life.  She told me I will become a successful businessman, that I will travel far and often, but she also told me that for some mistakes made in my past life, I would be disadvantaged when it comes to finding love.

True to her predictions, or perhaps it was self fulfilling prophecy, I am here today, three times divorced but a whole lot happier.  

When I met my first wife, I was in my mid-twenties. Even though I didn’t feel she was “the one”, I married her in part because after a year of dating, most people in traditional relationships always end up asking the question “when will you propose.”  Feeling pressured by her, and also by the predictions of the Buddhist nun, I proposed and married her soon after. I thought if I married someone who loved me more than I loved her, I could break that loveless spell.

Boy was I wrong.  A few years into the marriage, I was cheating, and my unhappiness led to divorce.

My second and third marriage didn’t fare well either.  

While trying to save my third marriage, I had a breakthrough.  This time it was an energy healer and tarot card reader who told me she sensed genuine love between me and Tanya, and recommended we pay a visit to a therapist she knew well.   

The Therapist

On my first visit to the therapist, I asked a simple question: “What is wrong with me?”  

I told her that a year or two into any romantic relationship, I would always end up cheating.  I wanted to know if there is a reason I was incapable of monogamy, and I wanted a fix for it.

She listened patiently, and when I was done, she said, “Nothing is wrong with you.”

She went on to explain that my symptoms point to the fact that I am “non-monogamous.”  Interestingly enough, most men and some women are non-monogamous by nature, even if they have never thought of classifying themselves as such.  She told me that much like a gay person or a transsexual was born that way, I was born a “non-monogamous.”

A “non-monogamous” person would naturally find it harder to be monogamous.  For those reasons, she said I needed to find people who will accept and love me for who I am.  She also told me to read up on what it means to be “non-monogamous”, and to explore different forms of open relationships and polyamory, to see what works for me.

With this new perspective and with my third divorced finalized, I jumped back into the dating pool and back on Seeking.com and WhatsYourPrice.com a few years ago as a “poly” armed with a new approach.

I now believed that if one can be completely honest with who they are and what they seek, they will then be able to find those who can truly love them.  Now in my late forties, I am set in my ways. I am not going to drastically change, and for that I need to be with those who can love me for me.

True Happiness:  The Ayahuasca Ceremony

Last year, in my quest to find happiness, an ex-girlfriend of mine convinced me to join her at an Ayahuasca ceremony. For those of you who do not know what Ayahuasca is, it is a plant-based drug used by Shamans, i.e., religious healers, in Peru. The drug has an interesting ability to help one drill deep into their subconscious mind to explore one’s pain, sadness, insecurities and emotional issues.

I had one question for Mother Ayahuasca that day.  I wanted to know why I have not felt truly happy. If Buddhism has taught me one thing, it is that desires and attachments are causes of suffering, and unless one can be content, they can never be happy.  I felt as though I was always chasing after the next thing, be it the next business idea or the next romantic relationship. Why was I so dissatisfied with my status quo, even when I have achieved so much success and am in love with a wonderful woman?

The next morning, at the sharing circle, each person took turns to speak of their new found realizations from the night before.  One man was dealing with the emotional issues he faced with his daughter’s upcoming wedding, lamenting on how he was depressed over losing her, and how Ayahuasca led him to appreciate that he wasn’t losing his daughter to another man, but rather welcoming another man into his expanding family.  Another woman spoke of how she was dealing with her depression and insecurities, and how Ayahuasca made her realize she needed to focus on the now and to take life one day at a time.

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When it came to my turn, I told the sharing circle, that my question going into the night was why I wasn’t happy, and what I needed to do to be truly happy.  Then, I described the visions I had. Of me surfing, and chasing one wave after another. Smiling the entire time, while being truly happy and present in the moment, and appreciating my life and the freedom I felt when in the water and on that surfboard.

My realization that evening was another life changing event for me.  Ayahuasca made me realize I was already truly happy; because I have a supportive family who is there for me at my lowest moments; I have genuine friends; I was lucky to have built a successful business with my family; I have good employees and business partners; and I am dating an amazing woman who loves me.  I realize that I am happy because I appreciate what I have, and that I want to achieve more success, acquire more wealth or find more girlfriends, not because I had an insatiable desire, but rather, I do it because I love the chase.

Lessons Learned

Seeking.com is an interesting place to date.  My experience on the website I created 13 years ago to solve my dating problems have been incredible.  My journey and the people who have come into and out of my life in those years have been joyful, sprinkled with moments of disappointments, but always lessons learned.

For those of you who are searching for genuine relationships or soulmates, like I am, here are some advice:

1. Are they kind souls?

One thing I learned about the SA community is that most of us here who are genuinely looking to date, whether it be short or long term, are open minded and kind.  I can’t say the same of the bots, scammers, or those who are here for non-dating intent.

Having encountered many souls over the years, I have come to realize that most are kind, even though they may not have been looking for the same thing.  Some are looking for short term flings, some to cure boredom, some for emotional support, some for love and marriage, and others for a helping hand.

But no matter what we seek, it is important to avoid those who will lie or manipulate to get what they want without remorse.  When you meet someone new, ask questions, listen, and observe their actions over time.

Ask yourself. Is he or she a kind soul?

2. How much baggage you will carry?

A few years ago, I was dating a girl whose baggage was her insecurity and constant anxiety. Many months into the relationship, I discovered she was addicted to opiates.  After fighting for her well being, which included interventions and sending her to rehab multiple times, I finally realize nothing I do can fix her. Her baggage was dragging me into the abyss until I decided I had to let go.

Each of us come with our own set of baggage, whether it is an overbearing personality, depression, trauma, or sexual dysfunction.  Yet, it is important for us to find out what baggage someone comes with, because we will end up having to carry that baggage when we are in a relationship with them.

Know what you are getting yourself into.

3. Who to let in the door?

My inner circle, comprising of my family, soulmates, and closest friends, mean the world to me.  Knowing who to let into your lives matter, because when you let the wrong people through, hurt and pain almost always follow.

I have been in too many situations where I am attracted to someone, but ignored signs that they may have been with me for the wrong reasons.  The person who is genuinely attracted to you, likes you, and wants to be with you will naturally show in how they behave around you, their body language, and how they interact with you.  That is what we call “chemistry”.

Even when there is chemistry, does the person have your best interest at heart.  We live in a world full of self-centered and ego-centric personalities. Yet, when it comes time to choose our business partners, or soulmates, it is important to find those who not only care about their self interests, but also yours.

SA was built based on the notion of forming mutually beneficial relationships.  Let us not forget that everyone in our inner circle ought to add to the relationship, not just take from it.  It is easy to find friends when you are beautiful, successful and wealthy, but true friends are those who stick with you through thick and thin.

Conclusion

The past year has been bright for me.  Through Seeking, I met my girlfriend, Zoe, who is honestly one of the kindest souls I have ever known.  For a guy who once said, “Love is a concept invented by poor people”, it was love at first sight the moment I met her.  I have told her many times that we have known each other for millions of years, spanned across thousands and thousands of past lives.  Maybe that is how you feel when you meet someone who loves you for you, no matter what.

I am self reflective by nature, but I am by no means always right.  I hope by sharing insights I have gained from my personal journey, I am able to help each of you avoid the mistakes I have made as you search for your soulmates or your version of happiness.

Where art thou kind souls. Let us fly together. We are soulmates.

We are all souls searching. Searching for something. What is that something?

Note: Statements presented in this article are intended as personal opinions of the author, not scientific facts.

Instagram:  @askbrandonwade
Twitter:  @askbrandonwade
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Leave a Reply

26 Responses to “A Personal Journey: Searching for Soulmates”

  1. Anonymous says:

    this is interesting article.hmmm

  2. Ricky says:

    Wow is that dude homely. Yikes.

  3. Anonymous says:

    So what’s what’s?? Money is great but crane creartioks that still never be there. I’m ineludible. I need a little help. But mostly I’m linemy. World live to meet and see what happens. And I’m not even talk about sex

  4. voice of reason says:

    For the luv of God for any girls reading this. Please stop posting stupid pictures of you with dog ears whiskers etc. Makes you look very immature and stupid. Also what is with all the photos with your tongues out? Are you trying to show me you don’t have Thrush or want something on your tongue? Either way it’s just plain stupid.

  5. StrawberryPop says:

    This was such a beautiful read. With sugaring becoming more a trend and less of a relationship, it’s like searching for a needle in a haystack. Oh how I wish I knew about this lifestyle 5 years ago!

  6. Amanda says:

    Hm, interesting post! But I don’t know if I can fully accept this new trend of calling oneselves for non-monogamous. I believe that people who are always seeking are still seeking because they are with the wrong person. People might believe that something is wrong with them, but this might not be the case. It might just be that you haven’t met your person, the one right for you? When I met my ex-husband I knew right away that he was the One. For all the years we were together really handsome men could cross my path without me ever looking. I knew I had found the best person on Earth, so there was no need to further look around! I was so hapoy with him, many years i to our marriage I still pinched my arm in the morning to see if it was real. I was on fluffy pink clouds. I felt like I would have died for him!! Have YOU ever loved someone this much? I beleieve that if the answer is no, then maybe you are wasting your time getting busy with someone who is distracting you from finding your soul mate. I had a friend who was in a relationship for 6 years. She was never in love with him, but they were friends and never fought. She said that she kept him because she was not the girl to ever fall in love with anyone, and he was a great guy. She thought she didn’t have it in her… well, she finally dumped him. And later found love! See? Another aspect of LOVE is showing GRATEFULNESS. I told myself ever day that I woke up that I was the HAPPIEST HUMAN on earth, because I was so in love with my husband. Mind you, this was 10 years later. We ended up divorcing after he had a severe depresssion and hia life fell apart – but I still care for him and feel like he is my special person. I hope that a man can ever make me so happy again. But I have been single for over 3 years now, just because I refuse to settle for less. Now I know that Real Love ia out there. And once you find it – you will say your thanks to universe every single day. If you do not show gratitude, that is when your problems start. As long as you do not recognize that you are with the prettiest and most amazing woman you have ever met, you will unconsciously desire other women. But once you manifest the love in this way… I am sure that no man will ever look at another woman! And remember – when you are not grateful you LOSE. #GratitudeAttitude

  7. Shan says:

    I wish you would put more of this time and effort into vetting the men that join this site…

  8. Grace says:

    I think this article is beautiful. Very well said

  9. I can relate to this story because theres so many out there that put on a kind show but arent really kind it’s all show. I believe to always be yourself and except the person your with the way they are or move on and get out of it because you can not change them they can only change if they want to change for themselves. Kind souls are hard to come by and finding that person that is willing to except you for who you are and stand behind you if you have problems and really truly want to fix them and that goes both ways. We a want to change our lifes in some way to better ourselves and it helps to have somebody you can trust to be there to encourage you and show there kindness and love and support. Relationships are based on acceptance of each other being loyal, honestand faithfull.Being kind, generous In many ways and always showing how much you really love him. Once that trust is broken it’s hard to get it back. And always be yourself in front of the person your with because you except the way they are or get out of the relationship. Dont ever try to change somebody because it never works. Be loving and kind and treat people the way you want to be treated. Acceptance is what it’s all about. It sounds like he excepted the love and kindness he has and that brought him pure happiness.

  10. Ericka says:

    I love this article.

  11. TequilaStrapple says:

    This is so lovely. I am ethically non-monogamous, including polyamorous. So I have more than one non-platonic relationship, and it’s all open, honest, and transparent. I am in the happiest and healthiest relationships of my life. It is unfortunate when one’s journey to ethical non-monogamy has to start with UNethical non-monogamy, because it means other people getting hurt along the way, but I am happy for you Brandon that you eventually found your way. and that you are now able to be true to who you are at your core, with it being a source of joy rather than a source of pain. I’m a big fan of compersion (for non-polyamorous people not familiar with the term: “A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”). I too love “the chase” (although I prefer being the one who is wooed rather than the one doing the wooing), and one of the joys of ethical non-monogamy is that we get to experience that – and the fireworks and intensity that come with it – again and again, without anyone being cheated on. Some relationships don’t survive that early fireworks phase, as they start out burning brightly and either fizzle out or implode. But sometimes as a relationship settles a little and finds its level, it develops into something meaningful that can last for years. I embrace and risk the former, while being open to the possibility of the latter. It sounds like you and Zoe have found the latter, and I’m truly happy for you. ❤️

  12. yougottabekiddingme says:

    What the actual hell?

  13. Maria says:

    My boyfriend and I met on SA 6 months ago. We truly love each other and enjoy each others company. We don’t do allowances as our relationship is genuine and in a way he feels embarrassed we met on SA but I tell him its OK. We were here looking for someone as we were in other sites. I like older he likes younger and thats how we found each other. We are 18 years apart, not a huge age gap. Dont give up, if you are looking for love, it will find you.
    Xoxo

    • I disagree says:

      I disagree. Love finds you when you’re not looking.

    • voice of reason says:

      Never will last. Trust will always be an issue. He will never trust you that you aren’t sugaring on the side and you won’t trust him that he isn’t either. Just being honest.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much. much appreciated from South Africa.

  15. duh says:

    what a lot of vague limp nonsense, this guy is a mess. No wonder SA is such a neurotic breading ground for insecure emotionally stunted relationships where selfish people are just seeking to parasite off someone else while covering up their own inner turmoils

    • Carol says:

      Wow-what a rude thing to say, and incredibly shallow perspective to have. This man shared a very personal experience. The vulnerability it takes to put something like that out there for all to see-I think it took courage and most of all, a genuine concern for other people. I’ve been on this site for like a minute, but I agree with Mr Wade-generally speaking, (and looking at the broad picture)-the people I’ve chatted with have seemed to be true to the information in their profiles. I was born and raised in a very small town where judgment and criticism make up the constant whispers we hear as that little small voice. Maybe we wouldn’t have as many wolves to worry about if we could all just be a little more caring, and open-minded. I’ve learned many lessons the hard way, but I don’t want the bitterness of betrayal to be my guide throughout. I’m sorry for what you’ve experienced that’s caused you to feel like you do. I really am sorry you’ve been hurt. Hopefully, sometime in the future you’ll find whatever it is that you’re searching for.

  16. sara says:

    wow lovely article i love it

  17. Pirouette Annette says:

    Everyone should read this when joining the seeking ❤️ Thank you for sharing this personal journey ❤️

  18. Michael says:

    Brandon, you’ve finally become the leader I had always hoped for on this site. Thanks for changing the world. :-)

  19. Jake says:

    Wow, great article. Thanks for sharing.

  20. Michael says:

    What an amazing read 🙏

  21. Petrana says:

    An interesting reading. It always depends on people…it’s important to be honest to each other what are your needs in relationship what you expect to avoid all pain and frustration… I have been almost all my life single because somehow I cannot find what I need. I guess I have to make my own dating site …

  22. @sexytruth says:

    What a beautiful article! I enjoyed this reading very much. Congrats to you and Zoe!

  23. :) says:

    Thank you for an article.
    I am so soooooo happy for everyone who already found their true soulmate, the perfect teammate.
    Lets wish each other a luck:)

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