What Your iPhone vs. Android Choice Says About You When It Comes To Dating
Men who sexually dominate women, or often referred to as “doms,” always seem to own an Android phone instead of an iPhone. Or so says a woman on Instagram, recounting her life as a sexual submissive, or a “sub.” This got me thinking about the subs (pseudonym names only) in my life, and iPhone versus Android dating.
First, let’s check with my sub Kaia, whose ex gave her sex once a month—a 4-minute ordeal—after blindfolding her and tying her down in knots.
“I didn’t see his dick for four years,” she says, after which she vapes and smirks. “I loved him.”
Kaia is an iPhone conformist who speaks in such TikTok lingo as, “Excuse me, sir, this is a Wendy’s.”
Next is my sub Kora. She comes to my house bearing a spiky wheel toy to roll over her skin because it gives her multiple orgasms.
“I’m in love with you,” she says with an intensity I adore and respect.
Kora uses a OnePlus Android phone. She likes the big battery.
Finally there’s Iris, a chipper sub who yearns to be valued as everyone’s obedient pet.
“Please, Daddy, please—I’ll be a good girl, I promise!”
Iris is a rich Google Pixel doomscroller.
Final tally: My subs own one iPhone and two Androids. Not a scientific survey but orgasm-infused.
Me? Their dom? I own an iPhone but my daily phone is a luxurious Samsung. Why?
Why Do Apple Snobs Hate the Green Bubble?
Because there are few fresh hells worse than an iPhone group chat, so I keep my iPhone in a drawer most days. This is unthinkable to iPhone dogmatists. But iMessage elitism is their problem, not mine.
Other people in the dating pool are less sanguine about America’s big dumb Apple vs. Android war.
A survey of 1,000 people by All About Cookies discovered:
–31% of iPhone men say a green bubble is a deal breaker.
–16% of iPhone women say a green bubble is a deal breaker.
–22% of all iPhone people think less of Android people.
–24% of Android users know they’ve been left out of group chats.
–52% of Android people get made fun of by Apple bigots.
I’ve been mocked by iPhone sectarians. But I laugh at their simple minds the way a dom laughs at his basic subs on their knees.
My friend Stephen teases me about my Samsung messages coming into his iPhone in green bubbles instead of blue.
“Those green bubbles!” he always says, as the tortured consumer in him writhes in discomfort.
Not to be outdone, I make fun of his obvious vulnerability, “OK, Swifty.”
I don’t actually care if he’s an iPhone Swifty, but that’s how the United States is dividing and falling—cult vs. cult.
Not All Apple People Are Snobs
Stephen is gay, and my other close gay friends are on Apple too. The status symbol, you know.
My lesbian friend Adriana remembers I’m on Samsung when she tries to swap constant location mapping.
I love her but I shall be 24/7 mapped by none.
My straight male friends never talk about iPhones or Androids. Well, one straight guy, Cole, gives me grief. Over backyard beers, Cole smokes a cancer enhancer and snootily waves me off: “Why do you insist on not using an iPhone?”
Incidentally, he’s the poorest person I know. He’s worth maybe $200, dead or alive, gross or net. But Cole’s got that ad-campaigned iPhone, doesn’t he?
Is the Green Bubble a Deal Breaker on Tinder and Reddit?
Android and iPhone people occasionally battle over dating-pool deal breakers on Reddit’s dating and dating_advice subreddits, like when brotherhood4232 wrote: “I hate to be an iMessage elitist, but the majority of young women nowadays use iPhone. Does it make your bot/scammer senses tingle when you see the green bubble?”
Meanwhile, Android people brag about using green-bubble deal breakers as a litmus test to filter out “petty” and “ecosystem-obsessed” lemmings.
Someone named @DelusionPosting tweeted: “Show her the green bubble. So you can weed out the unworthy.”
The Apple vs. Android War Is Pretty Laughable
I’ve used iPhones and Samsungs extensively. News flash: They seem mostly identical. They have the same popular apps, same swiping, same look and feel—except on Android you can make everyone’s messages blue!
I didn’t even know what brand my New Yorker friend, Kurt, uses until I brought it up. He’s on Android. I texted: “I don’t know why, but I was expecting you to be an iPhone person who was going to bitch about my green bubble.”
He New-Yorked me back: “Fuck you too.”
