Men Will Have to Leave Their Apartments To Overcome the Problem
We’ve heard a lot about the male loneliness epidemic over the past few years, particularly when it comes to dating. But when single women who want to meet men go looking for them in real life, they’re often not there. Speed-dating events, singles mixers and even social clubs tend to be female-dominated, while men tend to stick to the same apps they complain about.
In my days as a single sex and relationships writer, I often attended speed-dating and singles mixers events. At straight and mixed-orientation dating functions, the women drastically outnumbered the men every time I was there, leaving the women to chat with each other while the men were overwhelmed with attention.
There are a few reasons why men are absent from so many dating events—and reasons why they are present at particular dating events. experts say.
“I think there are deep societal reasons for why men don’t go to certain things,” Jesse Rauch, the co-founder of Weeknights community-building platform and Community Week NYC,” told STNDRDS.
According to Rauch, a large part of it comes down to language and marketing. For example, marketing an event as a “Mini Art Party,” which is code for feminine, versus “Bad Art Party,” or more gender-neutral.
“Words can sometimes say to a man, ‘I don’t know if I’ll be comfortable there,’” she explained.
In some ways, male loneliness is self-perpetuating because men are less likely than women to have close friends. So they often don’t have someone they can ask to attend a dating event with them. And, as anyone who’s been to one knows, singles mixers can be intimidating, particularly if it’s your first time attending one.
Additionally, men are often less skilled in active listening and making small talk than women, due to socialization that begins in childhood.
“Patriarchy has imposed loneliness on men,” Rauch said. “You’d think it would be the other way around, but that’s why ending the patriarchy supports all people.”
Of course, there are some men who are consistently showing up to dating events—especially gay men.
“At a heterosexual mixer, you’re worried, ‘maybe all these women are just going to say no to me,’” said Daniel Cooley, a gay matchmaker who also runs speed-dating events for same-sex-oriented men. “I think the worries about rejection are a little bit higher because in the hetero world, typically the man goes after the woman; while in the gay world, we just go after each other.”
There’s another area of interest where men, including straight men, do show up to dating events— kinky ones.
“Men often outnumber the women at my ‘Kinky Speed Flirting’ events,” said Amanda K. Rue, an intimacy coordinator and pleasure coach based in Hudson Valley, New York. “The issue isn’t the men not showing up. It’s that the women are more cautious, likely due to past dating experiences.
“A lot of women arrive already braced for aggression or awkward pressure, and there’s the added emotional labor of potentially rejecting somebody face to face; plus, the general nervousness that comes with trying something new.”
Rue added that in her point of view, the male loneliness epidemic is a little more complicated. In addition to the hesitation that women feel, men sometimes need to adjust their mind-set—it’s part of why she changed the name of her event from “Kinky Speed Dating”— to encourage “give energy,” which she defines as being present and showing up for the collective, shared experience.
“What I see is more men arriving in ‘acquisition mode,’ focused more on the outcome than on the exchange. Real connection requires reciprocity, which is a relational skill,” Rue explained.
“The loneliness epidemic is real, but there is a meaningful difference between showing up and turning proximity into genuine intimacy and connection.”Victoria Joseph, founder of the ethnically nonmonogamous matchmaking firm Birds of a Feather, has some advice that applies to anyone of any gender, sexuality or dating style: “The more you go to these events, the more comfortable you get. It’s something you need to practice, and a muscle you flex.”
