Does anyone know how to flirt anymore? Some say that dating apps, social media, and the internet overall have killed the art of real-life flirtation—the smile from across the room, the confident introduction, the offer to buy you a drink.
“We’ve spent so much of our lives communicating through texts, voice notes, and algorithms that we’ve lost the confidence to navigate the ambiguity of flirting with a stranger,” wrote journalist Meehika Barua in Time. She argues that as our world has turned increasingly digital, people have lost opportunities to develop interpersonal skills like making small talk, listening carefully, reading body language, and risking rejection by asking to see someone again.
Seeking.com‘s co-CEOs, Brandon Wade and Dana Rosewall, see it a little differently. Flirting isn’t dead, Dana says, but people aren’t doing it as often. “I do think all the opportunities that people had to flirt are still here. I just don’t think people are taking them,” she says. Dating apps like Seeking.com offer a different way to flirt — with some unique benefits, too. “These days, technology gives you many, many different tools,” Brandon says.
Brandon and Dana shared their advice on flirting in the internet age with us — and they would know. They met on Seeking.com when Dana messaged Brandon (“That was me flirting,” she says. “It was a good move.”), Then they began falling for each other over a four-hour phone call. “When I was talking to Dana the first time, I was in my PJs, and I was on the phone chilling,” Brandon says. “I didn’t have to worry about the way I looked. I could simply focus on the way I spoke and how we connected.” Here’s what they told us:
Break it down into stages
One benefit of dating apps is that you can focus on presenting yourself in your own words before making a physical impression, complete with choosing an outfit and trying to convey the right body language. “Rather than thinking of flirting as a holistic art, I was able to break it into pieces and focus on the individual components separately,” Brandon explains. By starting with messaging and then talking on the phone before meeting in person, “I was able to show Dana that I can really make her laugh. And once I had, in a sense, knocked it out of the ballpark, it gave me more confidence to focus on how I presented myself when we went on that first date.”
Get to know someone before you reach out
Whether you meet someone on an app or simply know their social media handle, the internet means that you can find out a few facts about someone before you reach out — their interests, their hobbies, maybe even a beloved pet. “You can see some type of connection beyond looks,” Dana says.
Show off your best qualities
Brandon compares dating to “the art of courtships in birds.” He explains, “They dance, they peacock themselves, they sing to the opposite sex to try to catch their attention. It’s about the amount of effort that they put into showcasing what they bring to the table.” Traditional dating sites, limited to a photo, age, and location, didn’t allow him to “peacock” his best qualities, so he started Seeking.com to fill a gap.
“I felt I brought a lot to the table that the women would want to know,” he says. “For instance, I have a great education. I make a good living. I accomplish whatever professional goals I set out to accomplish. Or even the fact that I’m simply a very generous person — I love to open doors for the people I date; I love to pay for meals. Those are characteristics that I feel should be peacocked.”
You don’t need to be traditional
Both Brandon and Dana point out that Dana messaged Brandon first, breaking traditional gender roles. “In today’s society, men and women initiate and flirt equally,” Brandon says. “One of the interesting stats that we see on Seeking.com is that women tend to initiate more conversations than men do.” He adds, “It’s not about whether a man should make the first move or a woman should make the first move. It’s more about, is there a desire that draws you to want to make that first move?”
Take a risk
Whether you’re flirting in person or over an app, risking rejection can feel scary. But if you don’t try, you won’t succeed. “Be more bold and direct. Take a chance,” says Dana. “The worst someone can do is say no. I think everyone should take risks when it comes to flirting.”
Brandon agrees: “It’s about getting over the fear of rejection and finding different ways to express that you like someone.”
