It’s like any other system. Injuries need healing, weakness needs strengthening, and if you are struggling, it may be time to ask for help.
These words echo back to me as I decide where to hide the latest dating app on my phone. Deciding to squirrel it away in a folder somewhere between the mindfulness and astrology icons while labeling it “someday, maybe.” I chuckle as I picture all of these pieces jumbled together, thinking it’s probably what my brain must look like. How long has it been since I have asked for help sorting it all out; how long since I have sought therapy?
It’s been a source of pride being in the minority of people—especially men—who seek out therapy in the first place. However, thinking of myself as proactive and emotionally aware was a quaint way of assuming the benefits without continuing the real work. Divorce will do that … or a breakup, or a flat tire; really anything that interrupts consistency. I don’t reproach myself for that lapse, much like I don’t when I miss the gym on occasion or eat a cheeseburger twice in one day. I just know I must start, with all the fresh fervor I can muster.
Space
So, I am here, psyching myself up to see another therapist, remembering what I will gain if I try again.
I curiously walk into the office a few minutes before my appointment and take full advantage of the complimentary refreshments.
Not every practice offers Perrier; in glass bottles no less. It’s cozy and clean, with plenty of light and the most perfect 72 degrees I have ever felt.
I realize then it’s more than a physical space I have craved, but a space for my mind as well. A dedicated space where I am entirely accepted is unfortunately rare in other dimensions of my life. Living in the shadow of my own limitations or someone else’s has made my approaches to life timid and indecisive.
Who can I really talk to openly? I know that I can talk to my therapist because of the very vacuum in which that relationship exists. It remains separate from every other sphere in my life but its sole purpose is to improve how I affect those areas.
Excavation
Halfway through the session it comes back to me why this is no walk in the park. Pics like childhood, past relationships, and the unavoidable question of how I feel today become increasingly difficult to answer with a growing tightness in my throat.
It feels, especially as a new client, like we are in a proverbial mining camp, and I am wondering just how many strata levels there are in me. However, that is the point of all this anyway, to dig and feel that catharsis at every layer I can.
The amount of fear that drives most of us, me included, is incredible. Entire hours have been squeezed for those last minutes of revelation. I recall one session years ago when I could finally see that the center of my anxieties, at least at that time, was the fear of being a bad father. It was sheer pain and sheer relief simultaneously, almost like receiving a tattoo directly on my heart. The only way through was feeling it—acknowledging it.
Focus
I begin to pick up speed as we near the close of our time. Insights of my own prime new conversations and fodder for subsequent meetings. “I am tired of reacting to things,” I say.
If there is one thing, among many, that is baffling to me when I am single and nearly impossible when in a relationship, is direction. The intoxication with my last relationship felt so poignant simply because it felt like I was making active decisions, not just being thrown circumstance.
It has been a slow but steady lesson of understanding that I allow choices to be made for me when placation becomes easier than ambition. Effective therapy is the process that pushes incremental changes toward using my own compass instead of others.
A Note: Above are thoughts and insights that can happen in one session or over a consistent time of treatment. What I stress above anything in my own personal journey is that you find someone to trust and connect with, which without will make any progress less than helpful. But, also, that you have empathy for yourself first, and the awareness that time spent understanding yourself is for the sake of others too.
