When my neighbor, Chloé, moved to the city–Master’s in hand– with the goal of landing a big job at a prestigious ad agency, she had not, even for a minute, considered that she would meet a man who would change her life in ways she never even imagined. The way they tell the story, she was the energetic account manager who oozed small-town charm, while Chris–the CEO of a successful start-up–was the somewhat more experienced of the two. “I was jaded,” he says. “My dating history was a disaster. All I wanted was a partnership where we each brought something, our own thing, to the table.” Chloé smiles. “And the commitment to making it work,” she adds.
Hypergamy is a big word for a simple human need. It describes the natural tendency for individuals, regardless of gender, to seek partners who possess attributes they lack or desire. These attributes can include financial status, education, intelligence, physical attractiveness, and social standing. Recognizing this natural inclination can help individuals feel validated in their relationship preferences.
The notion that individuals seek to marry partners of equal or higher socioeconomic status has long been a subject of fascination and much debate. However, the realities of hypergamous relationships are frequently oversimplified or just plain misunderstood. This article aims to challenge the stereotypes and delve deeper into the nuanced dynamics that shape these complex partnerships.
The roots of what we now call Hypergamy are traced to human evolutionary psychology. This suggests that this method of meeting a viable mate may have developed as a strategy to maximize reproductive success. When we select partners with desirable traits, we increase our chances of producing healthy and successful offspring. From an evolutionary and survival viewpoint, that is key.
When we discuss stereotypes or myths, it’s important to mention that Hypergamy does not have an inherent good or bad metric– it’s a natural human tendency that manifests in diverse ways. However, it’s also important to recognize that hypergamy can be influenced by unconscious biases or societal pressures. For instance, individuals may be more likely to seek partners with specific attributes because they have been socialized to value these traits. Understanding Hypergamy within the broader context of human mating and relationship dynamics is useful rather than constructing simplistic assumptions or judgments.
Healthy hypergamous relationships are not about one partner dominating the other. Rather, they are about two individuals with unique strengths and experiences who aim to create a synergistic and fulfilling partnership.
In a nourishing hypergamous dynamic, both partners regard and respect each other’s autonomy. They recognize that their differences complement one another, permitting them to grow and thrive as a unit. If one partner is more financially independent, they do not use their position to control or subjugate the other; instead, they use their resources and influence to uplift and empower their partner. It’s a team thing.
Likewise–ideally–the partner with less in the bank does not passively submit to each whim of the other’s will. Instead, they maintain their sense of identity and agency and contribute their ideas, skills, and perspectives to the relationship. It’s good to mention that the balance of power remains fluid, with each partner taking turns leading and supporting depending on the situation.
Ultimately, a healthy relationship based on Hypergamy is characterized by mutual respect, trust, and a shared vision for the future. It is a partnership of equals in which individuals feel valued, fulfilled, and empowered to be their best selves. Myths, however, prevail and it helps to confront some of the most persistent false stereotypes head-on.
Stereotype 1: Hypergamy is About Money and Status
Occasionally one runs into the misconception that Hypergamy is solely about someone seeking a partner with high financial status or extensive wealth. This is, however, an oversimplified and wildly inaccurate view of a complex concept.
Hypergamy is about much more than money or status. It is fundamentally about connecting with a compatible partner who shares your values, goals, and lifestyle. And while financial security certainly is one factor, it is far from the only or most significant consideration.
Compatibility, shared interests, and alignment of core values are crucial when it comes to relationships. A person seeking a partner through the lens of Hypergamy is looking for someone with whom they can build a fulfilling, long-term relationship–not just someone with a high-paying job or impressive net worth. The money and status stereotype does a disservice to the nuanced reality of what is a natural human tendency.
Stereotype 2: Hypergamy is for the Shallow and Materialistic
Another stubborn misconception that those in hypergamous relationships tend to be shallow and easily swayed by wealth and status. Again, this is an oversimplification, and the nuances and valid reasons why some individuals may prioritize certain traits in a partner need to be considered.
Hypergamous relationships are value qualities beyond just material resources. They often seek partners who can offer emotional maturity, intelligence, ambition, and the ability to be a true life partner. The desire for an equal, supportive relationship is as important as financial considerations.
Contrary to some negative connotations, Hypergamy is a rational and understandable strategy, especially for those who have traditionally faced more significant social and financial barriers. Choosing a partner who can provide stability, resources, and security is a pragmatic approach to ensuring one’s well-being and that of any potential offspring.
Additionally, it bears repeating, Hypergamy is not solely about wealth or status; seeking a partner who complements one’s strengths and aspirations is a reasonable desire. It does not inherently make someone shallow. Or materialistic.
The choice to engage in Hypergamy is intensely personal and influenced by a variety of societal, cultural, and individual factors. It’s about meeting a partner with whom one can be a teammate and collaborator rather than a means to an end. Hypergamy is about trying a new way to connect with a complementary match, not necessarily acquiring the most affluent suitor. This personal choice empowers individuals to shape their relationships according to their own needs and desires.
By understanding the nuances of connection and attraction, we begin to dispel the tenacious stereotypes that may seek to discredit those who find collaborative partnerships using Hypergamy.
Stereotype #3: Hypergamy is Inherently Unethical or Manipulative
Hypergamy is a valid relationship preference. Read that again. Hypergamy is not an unethical or manipulative practice. Some misconceptions will always surround all our choices in life, and, as usual, it’s essential to understand it from an objective, informative perspective.
All things considered, Hypergamy is simply another way of going about finding the right fit, not about exploitation or control. If it works, it works, and it does work, as many of the members of Seeking.com will attest. Those who practice Hypergamy are simply looking for a partner who can provide security, stability, and resources that align with their values and goals. This does not make them manipulative or unethical; it’s a choice—a valid relationship option.
It’s useful to approach the topic of Hypergamy with an open and curious mindset. By understanding the nuances and debunking the myths surrounding this concept, we emerge with a more balanced and constructive discussion about the role of personal preferences in romantic relationships.
Healthy Hypergamous Relationships in Action
While Hypergamy is sometimes discussed in cold or theoretical terms, it’s also essential to examine real-life examples of successful hypergamous partnerships. Some case studies may provide valuable insights into how Hypergamy works when we build relationships on foundations such as mutual respect, communication, and shared values.
Research shows many examples of successful, long-lasting relationships founded on Hypergamy. One such Seeking.com success story is that of Sarah and John. While John has a higher income and more prestigious job, Sarah brings numerous valuable qualities to the relationship, including her extraordinary organizational skills, nurturing personality, and supportive attitude. Together, they are building a fulfilling partnership based on mutual respect and shared life goals.
Another example of a couple who have found Hypergamy to be a perfect solution is Emily and David. Emily had a more impressive Ivy League educational background and subsequent career trajectory than David. However, from their first real-life meeting, after chatting on Seeking.com for a while, David impressed Emily with his kindness, dependability, and willingness to be an equal partner in a relationship. David and Emily recently purchased a hobby farm in Wisconsin, and while Emily is still heavily committed to her corporate career, he is able to plan and maintain what may be a lucrative shared project over time. Their hypergamous dynamic works because they value each other’s strengths and work as a team.
Another great example of real-life success using Hypergamy as a rudder is that of Brandon Wade, Founder and CEO of Seeking.com. Brandon met his soulmate, Dana, on Seeking.com in late 2020, and they married in 2022. After spending over 18 months traveling the world with Dana, they returned home with a deeper understanding of love and a clearer vision of where their relationship and Seeking.com needed to go.
When asked about the future, Brandon says, “Since I returned to lead Seeking.com earlier this year, I have been working on fixing issues with our service, rebranding, and a new direction for the business. I am lucky to have my wife, a 23-year-old Gen-Zer, who will be adding the feminine touch. She is currently being mentored by me, and we will soon announce her appointment as co-CEO of Seeking.com.”
Finding Perfect Harmony for YOU
These real-life examples demonstrate how healthy relationships based on Hypergamy are not foundationally about money or status. Instead, they are about finding an optimal partner to meet one’s needs on multiple emotional, intellectual, and practical levels.
At Seeking, we get that building a life with the right someone heightens your ambition and celebrates your triumphs. We also appreciate the intricacies of shared purpose. And that connection is not solely based on physical attraction but also shared aspiration, intellectual curiosity, and a desire for a fulfilling partnership.
